''God, what you want me to do??''
Sighhhh.....what a week man!! a busiest week ever which i have to go through.....
who say i'm not scared??
who say no more tears means i'm strong enough??
who say i'm superwomen??
No...ALL WRONG!!
So tired...
so broken...
so weak....
till i have not been able to sit and take a proper rest.
till i have not been able to spend some time with Him.....
so many obstacles,
challenges go and come again,
go and come again, even getting BIGGER and bigger each time...
BIGGER than all them??
Don't you know it's so hard??
i choose not to complain...not even a word or grumble out of my mouth...
i choose to appreciate...to continue...to hang on...to live for Him...
So, God, can You pls tell me what You want me to do?? what am i fighting so hard for??
what is the purpose for sending me here but failing in everything?? what am i going to do for You?? So muchhhh ques juggling in my mind....so mucchhh....
Yet, You tell me to have faith in You with actions. coz with faith but no action, the faith is dead!!
I know my redemeer lives....coz He let me live.....
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
me myself...
Hmm...
i'm disappointed on myself...
I'm disappointed in everything i'm procrastinating...
I'm scared i fail so, i withdraw,
I'm scared what if people know my stories,
so i always lie, lie to the world, lie till i can't even reach my own stories...
I'm terrified of people's sympathy as it's not love,
I'm terrified of judgement as it's not care,
I'm terrified to let ppl step into my little own world....
coz i scare expectations fail, love fails understandings fail,
so, i choose to build the wall as high as possible,
i choose to harden my fragile heart so it won't break so easily,
I choose to let myself to be the strongest one,
I choose to smile and laugh everyday even though inside is so bitter.....
who am i?? i can't even tell u if u throw such a question to me...
i will just say i don't know, really i don't...
Love me means understand me??
Nope....all and all is only disappointments and disappointments instead....
So, no more jane!!! NO MORE....
Stand up, be yourself!!!
Fight for Him.....
LIVE FOR HIM...
i'm disappointed on myself...
I'm disappointed in everything i'm procrastinating...
I'm scared i fail so, i withdraw,
I'm scared what if people know my stories,
so i always lie, lie to the world, lie till i can't even reach my own stories...
I'm terrified of people's sympathy as it's not love,
I'm terrified of judgement as it's not care,
I'm terrified to let ppl step into my little own world....
coz i scare expectations fail, love fails understandings fail,
so, i choose to build the wall as high as possible,
i choose to harden my fragile heart so it won't break so easily,
I choose to let myself to be the strongest one,
I choose to smile and laugh everyday even though inside is so bitter.....
who am i?? i can't even tell u if u throw such a question to me...
i will just say i don't know, really i don't...
Love me means understand me??
Nope....all and all is only disappointments and disappointments instead....
So, no more jane!!! NO MORE....
Stand up, be yourself!!!
Fight for Him.....
LIVE FOR HIM...
Monday, July 19, 2010
Goodbye to you !! :)
After the kinda long talk to you on skype,
i reckon that we have changed so much since the thing had past for a very long time,
still, not really long enough for me to get ready to get into another courtship,
But, i'm very sure that finally i have get over you!!
Goodbye to you!!!
Goodbye to everything that i knew about you!!!
HOOO!!!
Finally...
After such a long time,
After such a heartbroken experience,
After such a longsuffering healings,
i FINALLY GET OVER you!!!
and you know what?
i FINALLY can encounter myself,
and the reality of you love her
with all my blessing and pretty smile!!!
NO MORE JEALOUSY!!
NO MORE SORROW!!
NO MORE PAIN!!
HOW AWESOME huh??
and i know that i'll take good care of myself,
i'll let myself to live happily,
i'll let myself to have a life that i want so much,
i'll do everything that i promised Him for Him and His people,
i'll be a better person afterall!! :)
And, kudos to Wei :))
Thanks for the accompaniment till so far,
Thanks for reminding me to be myself yet not ashamed,
Thanks for the bearing and patience,
Thanks for being there to talk to me, and listen,
And i'll be given the best man ever by Him in one point of my life..
coz i'll be loved....
i reckon that we have changed so much since the thing had past for a very long time,
still, not really long enough for me to get ready to get into another courtship,
But, i'm very sure that finally i have get over you!!
Goodbye to you!!!
Goodbye to everything that i knew about you!!!
HOOO!!!
Finally...
After such a long time,
After such a heartbroken experience,
After such a longsuffering healings,
i FINALLY GET OVER you!!!
and you know what?
i FINALLY can encounter myself,
and the reality of you love her
with all my blessing and pretty smile!!!
NO MORE JEALOUSY!!
NO MORE SORROW!!
NO MORE PAIN!!
HOW AWESOME huh??
and i know that i'll take good care of myself,
i'll let myself to live happily,
i'll let myself to have a life that i want so much,
i'll do everything that i promised Him for Him and His people,
i'll be a better person afterall!! :)
And, kudos to Wei :))
Thanks for the accompaniment till so far,
Thanks for reminding me to be myself yet not ashamed,
Thanks for the bearing and patience,
Thanks for being there to talk to me, and listen,
And i'll be given the best man ever by Him in one point of my life..
coz i'll be loved....
Saturday, July 17, 2010
A Prom :)
Well,
i really wish to go to a prom with you in blue someday :)
it'll be very awesome i suppose!!!
That pic shows the ''blue'' that i wish both of us wearing in our first ball :)
The strip line blazer shown above is as similar as yours!! and i wish to wear the dark-blue dress shown to suit you!!:)
pretty cool huh??
Then, in the prom,
we shall hold each other this way,
we shall dance this way,
we shall take each other hands and dance,
we shall embrace each other with love,
we shall make it works till marry!! :)
A little princess fairy tale of mine :)
pretty childish,
yet, still, i hope it's going to come true in some point of my simple plain life :)
A charming prince in blue tie with his blazer on, comes with a bouquet of white roses and daisy, pick me up on time into his clean, shimmering car, lovingly we go to a ball with romance and excitement!! :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Have i told you lately or would you listen??
Have i told you lately that i love you??
Or would you ever take a glance on me??
I'm not a gentle, smart, pretty and hot one...
yet, simple till sometimes i wonder who am i....
Lately, friend here and there all done with their singleness...
Only me, still in stagnant....
Love yet probably not the right time, right one,
Love yet probably no wisdom to make it soar,
Love yet probably no security and hope in it,
Love yet probably no courage to express by words....
And now i realized that, the ball of love is not in my court, nothing such as i want to give a shot, then it will definitely make it work....Not the broken me can control.....
The ball is in God's hand, and he is the only who calls the shots...
so we can see the shooting stars,
and make it even more beautiful :)
Or would you ever take a glance on me??
I'm not a gentle, smart, pretty and hot one...
yet, simple till sometimes i wonder who am i....
Lately, friend here and there all done with their singleness...
Only me, still in stagnant....
Love yet probably not the right time, right one,
Love yet probably no wisdom to make it soar,
Love yet probably no security and hope in it,
Love yet probably no courage to express by words....
And now i realized that, the ball of love is not in my court, nothing such as i want to give a shot, then it will definitely make it work....Not the broken me can control.....
The ball is in God's hand, and he is the only who calls the shots...
so we can see the shooting stars,
and make it even more beautiful :)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Oh God You are my God...
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride...
Your words and love is the medidation
from the rising till the settling of the sun...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
grief...
Lost of a child is a grief to a mother,
Lost of his wife is a grief to her husband,
Lost of a dream is a grief to a pursuer,
all leads to heartbroken......
we go to denial because the lost is unthinkable,
so we let go and move into acceptance,
grief may be a thing we all have in common,
yet, it looks different on everyone,
It's not only death we have to grief,
is life, is lost, is changes sometimes,
and when we wonder why it sucks so much,
or it hurts too badly,
the thing we gonna to remember is to turn it on and dine,
So, when it hurts so much till you can't breathe,
this is how you survive.....
till one day, somehow, impossibly,
it won't feel this way, then it won't hurt this much,
But, the really crappy thing, the worst part of this,
is that you can't control it and let it go is all we can,
Still, the very worst part is that the minute you think you passed,
it starts all over again,
and always everytime it takes your breathe away...
Lost of his wife is a grief to her husband,
Lost of a dream is a grief to a pursuer,
all leads to heartbroken......
we go to denial because the lost is unthinkable,
so we let go and move into acceptance,
grief may be a thing we all have in common,
yet, it looks different on everyone,
It's not only death we have to grief,
is life, is lost, is changes sometimes,
and when we wonder why it sucks so much,
or it hurts too badly,
the thing we gonna to remember is to turn it on and dine,
So, when it hurts so much till you can't breathe,
this is how you survive.....
till one day, somehow, impossibly,
it won't feel this way, then it won't hurt this much,
But, the really crappy thing, the worst part of this,
is that you can't control it and let it go is all we can,
Still, the very worst part is that the minute you think you passed,
it starts all over again,
and always everytime it takes your breathe away...
Monday, July 5, 2010
You must have something to live for, or maybe just the possibility of something....
This phrase sticks in my mind after i watched Grey's. So inspiring...
When the life breakdowns, when we breakdown, there's no science, we just have to feel our way through....
Actually, it really hard for me to stand up again...it really does coz it matters!!!
and i care, i really do....
you didn't tell anyone it hurts you, doesn't mean it's not painful.
you didn't show your depressing face, doesn't mean you're not sad about it.
The pain is there, still there....
It breaks me into pieces....
Yet, i still doing my very best to live, to live for the One who make the world turns around, to live for the possibility of something.....
This phrase sticks in my mind after i watched Grey's. So inspiring...
When the life breakdowns, when we breakdown, there's no science, we just have to feel our way through....
Actually, it really hard for me to stand up again...it really does coz it matters!!!
and i care, i really do....
you didn't tell anyone it hurts you, doesn't mean it's not painful.
you didn't show your depressing face, doesn't mean you're not sad about it.
The pain is there, still there....
It breaks me into pieces....
Yet, i still doing my very best to live, to live for the One who make the world turns around, to live for the possibility of something.....
Friday, July 2, 2010
Broken into pieces...
i had broken into pieces...
nobody will understand how painful it is...
nobody will care, not even a single word of comfort...
well, i used to be so emo till people leave me without leaving a word...
Then, i tried to change...till someone who lost her almost every emotion...
Smile doesn't mean i'm happy,
sad without a tear falling down my chin,
disappointed without telling anyone but God,
angry but not even show my black face to people...
mum teached me to bear with patience...
even though offended by ppl sometimes,
just bear it with all i have...
I remembered that wei asked me before that '' why i changed because of what people say or people left you without a proper good reason??''
I said '' coz he breaks me into pieces, till i can't even love myself anymore, till i started to hate myself, that's why i changed''
He said '' No, you shouldn't. You are jane, the only special one in the world, no one else you could be replaced with. You are emotional girl. Then, admit it that you're. Not to be ashamed of it. Not to be afraid of it. You are you who God's special made living creature!!! ''
I cried...first time i cried in front of him....
The tears which i disallow myself to fall all burst out in a time....
Now, i cry again because of my failure...
so broken...torn..
so painful everytime i think of my failure..
so sorry about my failure and let my parents down...
so useless in the way that i can't do anything well...
picking up the pieces needs so much time, effort, trust, faith, wisdom, tranquil.....
don't you know ???
nobody will understand how painful it is...
nobody will care, not even a single word of comfort...
well, i used to be so emo till people leave me without leaving a word...
Then, i tried to change...till someone who lost her almost every emotion...
Smile doesn't mean i'm happy,
sad without a tear falling down my chin,
disappointed without telling anyone but God,
angry but not even show my black face to people...
mum teached me to bear with patience...
even though offended by ppl sometimes,
just bear it with all i have...
I remembered that wei asked me before that '' why i changed because of what people say or people left you without a proper good reason??''
I said '' coz he breaks me into pieces, till i can't even love myself anymore, till i started to hate myself, that's why i changed''
He said '' No, you shouldn't. You are jane, the only special one in the world, no one else you could be replaced with. You are emotional girl. Then, admit it that you're. Not to be ashamed of it. Not to be afraid of it. You are you who God's special made living creature!!! ''
I cried...first time i cried in front of him....
The tears which i disallow myself to fall all burst out in a time....
Now, i cry again because of my failure...
so broken...torn..
so painful everytime i think of my failure..
so sorry about my failure and let my parents down...
so useless in the way that i can't do anything well...
picking up the pieces needs so much time, effort, trust, faith, wisdom, tranquil.....
don't you know ???
Thursday, July 1, 2010
say goodbye...
so hard to say goodbye to the person or things you cherished, you loved so much...
so hard to comfort yourself that there is still a way to break through...
so hard to accept the truth that NO, NO OTHER WAYS ANYMORE....
so hard to believe that You will not cheat on me again and again....
so hard to be good and to carry on or to live on...
so goodbye for everything for now...even this!!
Last and goodbye for now..
let me take a breather...
silence may make me feel better...
when everyone cares about how high you soar, only those who truly love you cares about how tiring you are when you are soaring...
crumbled...i need a rest to carry on...
so hard to comfort yourself that there is still a way to break through...
so hard to accept the truth that NO, NO OTHER WAYS ANYMORE....
so hard to believe that You will not cheat on me again and again....
so hard to be good and to carry on or to live on...
so goodbye for everything for now...even this!!
Last and goodbye for now..
let me take a breather...
silence may make me feel better...
when everyone cares about how high you soar, only those who truly love you cares about how tiring you are when you are soaring...
crumbled...i need a rest to carry on...
Last and it is broken :(
Would You know my name if i saw You in heaven??
Would You be the same if i saw You in heaven??
Would You hold my hands if i saw You in heaven??
Would You help me stand if i saw You in heaven??
Would there be no more this in heaven??
梦想破碎的那一刻，
就像心里被几千百万刀割，
让你忘了痛的感觉，
但那份遗憾就像刀疤，
也许这一辈子没有办法愈合，
为什么要送我来却让我跌倒谷底？
为什么说好会牵好我的手一起走的却成了谎言？
我知道不应该问为什么，应该相信你的，
但我却不懂得如何走下去，
爸爸说人啊，走到了尽头，就是上帝的开始，
你要开始了吗？你会遵守你的承诺吗？
我很害怕，
害怕得不敢再相信，
害怕满满的希望全落空，
害怕未来的路不知该怎么走，
害怕失败，失去，失落，
很怕，真的很怕。。。
Last and it's broken...
the little dream of mine is broken,
the little hope and faith is broken,
the little heart of mine is broken,
what left is only the ugly scar.....
Would You let me see You are real ??
Would You let me know You love me??
Would You let me believe again that You're bigger than everything??
Take the wheel pls...
drive me to somewhere You want me to go...
Would You be the same if i saw You in heaven??
Would You hold my hands if i saw You in heaven??
Would You help me stand if i saw You in heaven??
Would there be no more this in heaven??
梦想破碎的那一刻，
就像心里被几千百万刀割，
让你忘了痛的感觉，
但那份遗憾就像刀疤，
也许这一辈子没有办法愈合，
为什么要送我来却让我跌倒谷底？
为什么说好会牵好我的手一起走的却成了谎言？
我知道不应该问为什么，应该相信你的，
但我却不懂得如何走下去，
爸爸说人啊，走到了尽头，就是上帝的开始，
你要开始了吗？你会遵守你的承诺吗？
我很害怕，
害怕得不敢再相信，
害怕满满的希望全落空，
害怕未来的路不知该怎么走，
害怕失败，失去，失落，
很怕，真的很怕。。。
Last and it's broken...
the little dream of mine is broken,
the little hope and faith is broken,
the little heart of mine is broken,
what left is only the ugly scar.....
Would You let me see You are real ??
Would You let me know You love me??
Would You let me believe again that You're bigger than everything??
Take the wheel pls...
drive me to somewhere You want me to go...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The power of LOVE :)
After a superb trip to welly and christchurch, i think God wants me to learn what we called the power of LOVE. It was quite amazing when i realise that the power of LOVE supress ALL. First and the foremost, I had seen through the power of love between couples. A relationship of christians is not just dating, yet it's a courtship which is romance with wisdom controlling it so the romance can soar. In order to truly lay the relationship down at god's feet, both parties had to part with them. From the relationship of my friends, i can see that they are striving their best to make the romance work, not in their way, but in god's way instead. A strong foundation is so important to make the long term works, to not to hurt each other, to sustain the love. It takes so much efforts, commitments, willingnesses, wisdoms and courages of course.
Then, here comes the power of LOVE between friends. During the trip, two of my friends angry with each other for a small matters for almost a day. Yet, forget and forgive is the value which God wants me to learn from this. And of course God wants me to learn how to deal with people who get angry and bitter easily with patience. I did do my very best to become the peacemaker. Although i just done what i should, yet i did learn a lots which is more than i could imagine actually. If i could not bear with it, i might just give both of them a slap within saying anything. Yet, i know i couldn't actually do it as it would only make things worst and it doesn't bring any good anyhow. God's command- love others as much as He loves us. And i believe that we will be loved if we willing to love people with an accepting heart. Have a BIG heart people!!! :)
Well, i'm reading ''boys meet girls'' by Joshua Harris to have a deeper understanding about romance which God wants - courtship. Following by '' I kissed date goodbye'' by Joshua Harris too!! :) Both are good books which helps us to have a deeper understanding about romance. Well, God will provide someone who suits you, who you need, who love you, who care about you, who need you, who is willing to sleep in the same bed with you till you get old, who will take your hand and walk through ALL :)
Then, here comes the power of LOVE between friends. During the trip, two of my friends angry with each other for a small matters for almost a day. Yet, forget and forgive is the value which God wants me to learn from this. And of course God wants me to learn how to deal with people who get angry and bitter easily with patience. I did do my very best to become the peacemaker. Although i just done what i should, yet i did learn a lots which is more than i could imagine actually. If i could not bear with it, i might just give both of them a slap within saying anything. Yet, i know i couldn't actually do it as it would only make things worst and it doesn't bring any good anyhow. God's command- love others as much as He loves us. And i believe that we will be loved if we willing to love people with an accepting heart. Have a BIG heart people!!! :)
Well, i'm reading ''boys meet girls'' by Joshua Harris to have a deeper understanding about romance which God wants - courtship. Following by '' I kissed date goodbye'' by Joshua Harris too!! :) Both are good books which helps us to have a deeper understanding about romance. Well, God will provide someone who suits you, who you need, who love you, who care about you, who need you, who is willing to sleep in the same bed with you till you get old, who will take your hand and walk through ALL :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sometimes, it can be as simple as just like that!!
This song reminds me of you in the late night. Reminds me that how hard you are learning to sing this song as you like it that much too!!! ''As in i'm in paradise with your presence'' is the meaning of the whole song. Happiness is as simple as just with the presence of your loved one. Sometimes, he/she might not be yours, yet he/she is in your heart. The presence of love deep in the heart. Yet, so hard for me to believe that i will be loved, i will be cherished, i will be adored, So HARD!!! Thus, not to let myself to have the time to think too much, to hope for love, to search its presence, to not to be broken into pieces again, i choose to close my heart for now. Not the time ready to love someone, no right one appear for now, not the correct period to fall for someone, not enough courage to open my heart again. I might admire, yet it's just admire, not love. Anyway, God will provide when the time comes and this is the only thing i believe in love.
I guess i miss you again when there's no one else tricks me as you always do. All alone is a little bit of creepy i reckon. Anyhow, Off to chch and welly from tmrw!!! A big 'YEAH!!!'' for that!!! N thanks dear Lord for being still good to me!! :)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
we hwin!!! :)
YES!!! WE WERE THERE :)
They scrumed me :(
ALL BLACKS are doing the HAKA!!! :)
singing national athems!!! nz's nicer!!!
ALL BLACKS'S logo :)) sooo prettyyy!!!
Indeed, it was a really awesome match!!! Last match in Carisbrook stadium, Dunedin!!! But, my first ever!!! It was a really good one as i really cheer till my voice box hurts. The quick waves was fun too!!! It was good that They won by 42-9 to the Wales. It was even better that finally i had an opportunity to shout out all my anxieties and frustrations. Thanks my good friends too!!! :)) You guys are awesome too!!!
that's weird....i guess i did miss you when i listen to the songs that you like....i miss you!!
ALL BLACKS are doing the HAKA!!! :)
singing national athems!!! nz's nicer!!!
ALL BLACKS'S logo :)) sooo prettyyy!!! Indeed, it was a really awesome match!!! Last match in Carisbrook stadium, Dunedin!!! But, my first ever!!! It was a really good one as i really cheer till my voice box hurts. The quick waves was fun too!!! It was good that They won by 42-9 to the Wales. It was even better that finally i had an opportunity to shout out all my anxieties and frustrations. Thanks my good friends too!!! :)) You guys are awesome too!!!
what's coming up next?? christchurch & welly!!! woootsss!!! :)))
It is good as God is always good to us.
Sweet things always come after the battle.
Yet, there more to be done, to be pulled through...
n I want to make it all well done with You.
that's weird....i guess i did miss you when i listen to the songs that you like....i miss you!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
need You now....
hooked!!!
it's a quarter after one, i'm a little drunk and i need you now....
it's a quarter after one, i'm all alone and i need you now...
ohh...physic....i need you to go into my mind now...
Oh Lord, need so much wisdom, so much!!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
arrogance
Hmm...finally, left the last to go, yet it's hard...
Yesterday, the ugly me came out and pissed him off.
Why am i so arrogant??
why am i so capricious,muleheaded??
maybe it's exam fever...
but i still need to control myself,
i still need to behave myself,
i still need to have the patience(which is so hard for me to earn)!!!
The guiltiness overwhelming my head and soul from last night till now,
albeit he is not angry anymore.
Yet, sorry seems to be the hardest to say...indeed, i can't spill it out from my mouth due to my ego and arrogance.
He is someone who is near to perfect,
someone who is more precise than me in doing task,
someone who has the patience which i don't really have,
someone who care and love people via words and actions,
someone who is knowledgable, smart, charming,
someone who you might think he is witty but he's not,
someone who always build me up instead of drag me down,
someone who i love to chat and grumble with and listen to,
someone who love origami, romance movie, love songs & starting to hum chinese songs,
someone who take very good care of his health, even teach me how to eat healthily,
someone who always help me to remember what i forgot most of the time (keys!!!)
Thanks God for showing me such a nice person who is becoming a mentor of me,
God,
change me to a better one,
change me to someone who can be able to do Your great works,
change me to someone who can be able to serve Your people,
change me to someone who a christian girl should be...
change me O Lord....
Yesterday, the ugly me came out and pissed him off.
Why am i so arrogant??
why am i so capricious,muleheaded??
maybe it's exam fever...
but i still need to control myself,
i still need to behave myself,
i still need to have the patience(which is so hard for me to earn)!!!
The guiltiness overwhelming my head and soul from last night till now,
albeit he is not angry anymore.
Yet, sorry seems to be the hardest to say...indeed, i can't spill it out from my mouth due to my ego and arrogance.
He is someone who is near to perfect,
someone who is more precise than me in doing task,
someone who has the patience which i don't really have,
someone who care and love people via words and actions,
someone who is knowledgable, smart, charming,
someone who you might think he is witty but he's not,
someone who always build me up instead of drag me down,
someone who i love to chat and grumble with and listen to,
someone who love origami, romance movie, love songs & starting to hum chinese songs,
someone who take very good care of his health, even teach me how to eat healthily,
someone who always help me to remember what i forgot most of the time (keys!!!)
Thanks God for showing me such a nice person who is becoming a mentor of me,
God,
change me to a better one,
change me to someone who can be able to do Your great works,
change me to someone who can be able to serve Your people,
change me to someone who a christian girl should be...
change me O Lord....
Sunday, June 13, 2010
strong enough to save.....
He is strong enough to save...
strong enough to save you and me....
strong enough to hold us from the chaos...
strong enough to make me to live for Him again....
strong enough to strengthen us from our weaknesses....
strong enough to pull me through all these....
You are strong enough to let me cling on You in the storm...
2 down, 2 to go!!!
Pls remember He is strong enough to save....
hold on girl!!!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
knock on the stupid me!!!
This time really sighhhhhh....
cels = knock on the hardhead of stupid me!!!
How?? How?? HOW??
how to be bigger than this??
how can i keep memorising it without forgetting??
dieeeeeeeee......dieeeeeeeee!!!
perhaps, i really not suitable to do science.....
SIGHHHHH......
i really don't how to carry on....
couldn't sleep, couldn't eat,
what goes in, all come out,
the heart, the faith all sink,
no hope, no tomorrow, no future,
oh God, pls help!!!
You said You're here,
but where are You now??
cels = knock on the hardhead of stupid me!!!
How?? How?? HOW??
how to be bigger than this??
how can i keep memorising it without forgetting??
dieeeeeeeee......dieeeeeeeee!!!
perhaps, i really not suitable to do science.....
SIGHHHHH......
i really don't how to carry on....
couldn't sleep, couldn't eat,
what goes in, all come out,
the heart, the faith all sink,
no hope, no tomorrow, no future,
oh God, pls help!!!
You said You're here,
but where are You now??
Friday, June 11, 2010
1 down 3 to go....
woohoosss!!!
after a day less than 4 hrs sleep,
hubs was done!!!
i couldn't say that i had aced it well,
yet, i knew that i had done my very best,
all i need to do is just surrender the outcome to God,
no matter how would the result be,
i will accept, coz You are the want who provides,
You are the one who gives and takes away,
You are the one who shapes me to be someone who i should be,
Not in the other way round, it's not about who i want to be,
is all about who You want me to be.....
so either dentistry or pharmacy,
i will give thanks,
coz i am not bornt to be given either both,
coz i am a broken one who is not deserved those,
coz i am just just a simple one, not an extremely smart geek,
not a very hardworking nerd, not as faithful as You to me,
Yet, Your graces and mercies never stop flowing over my life,
Your love never stop falling over me,
Your heartbeat never stop beating for me.
Thanks for the first is done. 3 more to go!!! 3 more girl!!!
after these, there're more to come, bigger one coming, n tougher i suppose...
Yet, i'm looking forward my one week holidays to christchurch and wellington...HAHA!!! :)
AND home has 1 just left for holidays ( mummy kim flies today!!! )
3 more going to leave soon too :(
i guess i will be missing them.....
They're part of my life here....
Without them, i don't think i can go so far.....
so, mummy kim, big mama sally, jiejie ivy, koko wei, uncle steven.....
i love you guys so much....
i know you guys do so :)
after a day less than 4 hrs sleep,
hubs was done!!!
i couldn't say that i had aced it well,
yet, i knew that i had done my very best,
all i need to do is just surrender the outcome to God,
no matter how would the result be,
i will accept, coz You are the want who provides,
You are the one who gives and takes away,
You are the one who shapes me to be someone who i should be,
Not in the other way round, it's not about who i want to be,
is all about who You want me to be.....
so either dentistry or pharmacy,
i will give thanks,
coz i am not bornt to be given either both,
coz i am a broken one who is not deserved those,
coz i am just just a simple one, not an extremely smart geek,
not a very hardworking nerd, not as faithful as You to me,
Yet, Your graces and mercies never stop flowing over my life,
Your love never stop falling over me,
Your heartbeat never stop beating for me.
Thanks for the first is done. 3 more to go!!! 3 more girl!!!
after these, there're more to come, bigger one coming, n tougher i suppose...
Yet, i'm looking forward my one week holidays to christchurch and wellington...HAHA!!! :)
AND home has 1 just left for holidays ( mummy kim flies today!!! )
3 more going to leave soon too :(
i guess i will be missing them.....
They're part of my life here....
Without them, i don't think i can go so far.....
so, mummy kim, big mama sally, jiejie ivy, koko wei, uncle steven.....
i love you guys so much....
i know you guys do so :)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
This love is dancing in my heart....
'' stand in the rain,
when everything is crushing down,
dance in the rain,
you wouldn't drown,
as He is dancing with you,
His love is dancing in your heart....''
We're looking on a couple who were dancing salsa yesterday when we were getting too tired to study. The ''salsa'' amazed us. He say how cool it would be if i know how to dance, n I was laughing loudly at him....haha...i couldn't really imagine if he did make it :p Okay, enough of us!!! Exam is 2 days....the overwhelming pressure, the heaps of studies, the 3-5 cups of coffee a day, the goji berries which i am binging on, the ''too comfy'' bed which is so hard for me to get up.....etc, etc...are what happening during this tough period. Yet, He keeps remind me that He is dancing with me in this storm.....
I can hear that He is whispering to me that ''keep on....keeping on my girl!!! shall we keep dancing?? ''
when everything is crushing down,
dance in the rain,
you wouldn't drown,
as He is dancing with you,
His love is dancing in your heart....''
We're looking on a couple who were dancing salsa yesterday when we were getting too tired to study. The ''salsa'' amazed us. He say how cool it would be if i know how to dance, n I was laughing loudly at him....haha...i couldn't really imagine if he did make it :p Okay, enough of us!!! Exam is 2 days....the overwhelming pressure, the heaps of studies, the 3-5 cups of coffee a day, the goji berries which i am binging on, the ''too comfy'' bed which is so hard for me to get up.....etc, etc...are what happening during this tough period. Yet, He keeps remind me that He is dancing with me in this storm.....
I can hear that He is whispering to me that ''keep on....keeping on my girl!!! shall we keep dancing?? ''
Sunday, June 6, 2010
you....
you put stress on me as in you want me get into den so so much....
you flirt with every girls in msn yet you said that i can see...no secret...
you asked me how long i take to let go the past, then you said you might take longer...
you know i dislike capsicum although you like, yet u will never cook it for dinner...
you know i am super duper grumpy when i'm hnugry, yet you always bear with it...
you asked me if i have a bf..will i tell people...i said of course!!! n make it official..
you urge me to go study when i am so tempted on tv dramas or comp games...
you change my perspective on you when you said that you wish to go to poor countries to provide free health services....although you always say that you work for money...
you asked me to stop binging on food when you notice that i'm growing horizontally...
you motivates me to go on and hang on with a cheerful heart....
yet,
i hope you can believe Him,
i hope you can love Him,
i hope you can count on Him,
i hope one day you would tell me,
i like this place,
it brings me peace,
it makes me feel loved,
it let me see hopes,
and He is the one i want to follow,
serve, live and love in my entire life.....
you flirt with every girls in msn yet you said that i can see...no secret...
you asked me how long i take to let go the past, then you said you might take longer...
you know i dislike capsicum although you like, yet u will never cook it for dinner...
you know i am super duper grumpy when i'm hnugry, yet you always bear with it...
you asked me if i have a bf..will i tell people...i said of course!!! n make it official..
you urge me to go study when i am so tempted on tv dramas or comp games...
you change my perspective on you when you said that you wish to go to poor countries to provide free health services....although you always say that you work for money...
you asked me to stop binging on food when you notice that i'm growing horizontally...
you motivates me to go on and hang on with a cheerful heart....
yet,
i hope you can believe Him,
i hope you can love Him,
i hope you can count on Him,
i hope one day you would tell me,
i like this place,
it brings me peace,
it makes me feel loved,
it let me see hopes,
and He is the one i want to follow,
serve, live and love in my entire life.....
I have a dream....
I have a BIG dream since i'm five.
It probably would not be achieved if i didn't work hard enough.
I wish to become a doctor or dentist,
yet neither for greed nor pride,
I wish to become one just so
i could go to Kenya, Africa,
to treat the youngs and olds from illness,
to provide free health services,
to see them recover from sickness,
to share how great is our Lord,
to lead worship with a just a guitar,
to dance with the children,
to see the olds clapping and cheering for Him,
to bring the love, faith and hope to them,
to let them know we have a LOVING god,
and,
i wish to get married there too, funny huh??
not with the blacks if can,
yet ,
with someone who has the same dream as me,
with someone who leads me to achieve this dream,
with someone who i can make this dream come true together,
with someone who is more passionate and loving,
with someone who has such a BIG heart for people,
with someone who can love my weaknesses instead of my strength,
with someone who loves God more than me...
This is my dream, which it seems so so hard to make it true,
Yet, it's not impossible...
I'm praying and praying about it everyday.....
In Him,
nothing is impossible,
when hope all gone,
when the road is ended,
when impossibilities cover,
He'll amaze me
if i believe.
Friday, June 4, 2010
save the man???
A line caught my interest today after i was watching Dr Phils during lunch....
''Are you trying to save your man or the man who you expect him to be ??''
Good question to think about :)
sometimes, it does confuse us. Are we love the man's heart or we just fall for someone who we need him to help us in everything and just so our lives become easier?? or we love just because he is the ideal one who has fulfilled all the qualities, preferences and conditions?? we love because he is the perfect one??
To me, No!!!
i rather fall for the fat and ugly man with a genuine heart, yet not the good-looking one who act superficially. It's the matters of heart, not how good the one is.
Thus, think about it :) it's good to remind me to look for the heart but not my expectations towards man, so do you. :)
''Are you trying to save your man or the man who you expect him to be ??''
Good question to think about :)
sometimes, it does confuse us. Are we love the man's heart or we just fall for someone who we need him to help us in everything and just so our lives become easier?? or we love just because he is the ideal one who has fulfilled all the qualities, preferences and conditions?? we love because he is the perfect one??
To me, No!!!
i rather fall for the fat and ugly man with a genuine heart, yet not the good-looking one who act superficially. It's the matters of heart, not how good the one is.
Thus, think about it :) it's good to remind me to look for the heart but not my expectations towards man, so do you. :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
familiar vs unfamiliar.....
There is somewhere so familiar to me, Yet with people who are unfamiliar to me.....
There are faces which is so familiar to me, Yet i don't even know their names....
There are words which is so familiar to me, Yet they always slip away from my mind....
There are you who is so familiar to me, Yet i can't understand your heart...
Sometimes, when you reckon that you're so familiar to the things which you have been with for a very long time, yet, it doesn't really mean that you truly understand them, it doesn't mean you have seen through them, it doesn't mean they have became part of you and your life........They are just something which is just walking pass in your life for a very brief moment, or just somebody who is standing by you for just a little while......They will not be ever yours, they'll gone.......it's just the matter of early or late, still, they'll leave....
So, only only Him, will not go away from your life. Even when the whole world crumble, HE will definitely cover you with ALL He has. ALL!!!
There are faces which is so familiar to me, Yet i don't even know their names....
There are words which is so familiar to me, Yet they always slip away from my mind....
There are you who is so familiar to me, Yet i can't understand your heart...
Sometimes, when you reckon that you're so familiar to the things which you have been with for a very long time, yet, it doesn't really mean that you truly understand them, it doesn't mean you have seen through them, it doesn't mean they have became part of you and your life........They are just something which is just walking pass in your life for a very brief moment, or just somebody who is standing by you for just a little while......They will not be ever yours, they'll gone.......it's just the matter of early or late, still, they'll leave....
So, only only Him, will not go away from your life. Even when the whole world crumble, HE will definitely cover you with ALL He has. ALL!!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
You're the alpha and omega!!!
'' It's all about You, Jesus,
And all these is for You,
for Your glory and faith,
It's not about me,
as You should do things my way,
You alone are God and
I surrender!!! ''
You're the lover of my soul. Alpha and Omega, You have loved me. And i SURRENDER!!!
When everything juggled, anxieties covered, worries overwhelmed, I found out that You're carrying everything, EVERYTHING with me........I am not walking alone, not studying alone in the small cubicle in Med library everyday till it closes at the midnight, even though there's no one else anymore, But I'm very sure that You're there with me......
And all these is for You,
for Your glory and faith,
It's not about me,
as You should do things my way,
You alone are God and
I surrender!!! ''
You're the lover of my soul. Alpha and Omega, You have loved me. And i SURRENDER!!!
When everything juggled, anxieties covered, worries overwhelmed, I found out that You're carrying everything, EVERYTHING with me........I am not walking alone, not studying alone in the small cubicle in Med library everyday till it closes at the midnight, even though there's no one else anymore, But I'm very sure that You're there with me......
Sunday, May 30, 2010
We were once like that...
I was studying the whole day in med lib with alicia and ben. Their actions reminded me of us. The '' together studying'', sharing food, teaching each other, nagging, grumbling...reminded me of us. We were once like that. You always and always bear on my grumpiness. We always share our food during recess. I always bring more cakes which made by my mum to share with you and you always allow me to have a bite on your chicken-frosted bun. Lols....i miss that time....That time which you'll always there for me even though we're not in a relationship. I miss the time when i always snatch your addmath book and exercises while you're doing. I miss the time we were sharing your notes and reminding each other the main point to be remembered. I miss the time you was teaching me all the sciences and math stuffs whereas i teached you sejarah instead. I miss the time when i will never ever sit alone during tuition because you'll always sit by my side.
How strange is that as we were so close so good in 5 years but never commit in a relationship??
How strange is that as everytime i went back for visit, i could feel that you're not willing to let me go by purposely make more few turns on road??
How strange is that as everytime i chat with you in msn, you are still be able to bear with me??
How strange is that as in everytime i was in troubles i am thinking of you?? thinking that how good it would be if you could be here for me??
How strange is that you always scare me that i'll misunderstand you have fallen for someone??
We were once like that......
You were once who allowed me to dream that there's a gurdian angel....
I was once to be allowed to be myself in front of you...
we were once like that.....
How strange is that as we were so close so good in 5 years but never commit in a relationship??
How strange is that as everytime i went back for visit, i could feel that you're not willing to let me go by purposely make more few turns on road??
How strange is that as everytime i chat with you in msn, you are still be able to bear with me??
How strange is that as in everytime i was in troubles i am thinking of you?? thinking that how good it would be if you could be here for me??
How strange is that you always scare me that i'll misunderstand you have fallen for someone??
We were once like that......
You were once who allowed me to dream that there's a gurdian angel....
I was once to be allowed to be myself in front of you...
we were once like that.....
Friday, May 28, 2010
it's the time!!!
''Time to rise above the circumstances.'', such a well said by Jimmy.
It's less than 2 weeks. But what i had done is just less than what should be expected!!!
The challenges + the crappy weather tear me up seriously!!!
Stop dreaming Jane,
Stop thinking about the unrealistic matters,
Stop procrastinating,
Stop!!!!
You gonna to rise above the circumstances!!!
be a strong daughter of Him!!!
It's less than 2 weeks. But what i had done is just less than what should be expected!!!
The challenges + the crappy weather tear me up seriously!!!
Stop dreaming Jane,
Stop thinking about the unrealistic matters,
Stop procrastinating,
Stop!!!!
You gonna to rise above the circumstances!!!
be a strong daughter of Him!!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Mr sunshine...
Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so attractive,
you're so beautiful,
but why i don't see you??
Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so in need,
you're being loved,
but why you still in apathy??
Oh my Mr Sunshine,
without you, i hibernate,
without you, i binge on food,
without you, i am in cold,
So, don't you know how much how badly i am missing you??
you're so attractive,
you're so beautiful,
but why i don't see you??
Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so in need,
you're being loved,
but why you still in apathy??
Oh my Mr Sunshine,
without you, i hibernate,
without you, i binge on food,
without you, i am in cold,
So, don't you know how much how badly i am missing you??
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tears in heaven
I don't why my tears burst out when i hear this song. Like always, he starts to learn how to play this song with guitar. I was nagging at him again because of my terrible mood swing. I was wondering why he loves this so much so badly. Everday, he learn to play a little phase of the song. Actually, his playing is not that bad and annoying, just maybe i am overwhelming with heaps and heaps of burdens and anxieties. Sorry for always bearing my weaknesses.
Haha, i realise his playing on first three notes ''da da da'' is kinda similar with Eric Clapton. Woahhh....haha!!!
I will pick up this song with guitar during holidays when all of you guys leave, i promise!!!
(would you know my name if i saw you in heaven??
would you be the same if i saw you in heaven??? )
i am terrified of changes and leavings....i can't handle...
Yet, people come and go and this is the fact, which something you and i can't change
even though we are so keen to, still, it can't be changed.
sometimes, i really wish that we're all blood-related. Really wish that we're the biological bro and sis. And it's a wish which will never ever gonna to come true.
( Just a small dream from a little girl.)
Anyhow, thank you for always by my side, indeed, Thank You.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
be reminded again :)
You want me to walk through the fire. But, You never want me to walk through this all by myself. You never want me to get burnt while i'm walking through the flame. Simply because You still want me to stay strong and pretty for You. And again, You tell me that i will never ever walk alone......never!!!
Thanks for reminding me that You're walking me through the fire......
Saturday, May 22, 2010
You're my everything.
'' Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.'' (Isaiah 11:5)
He is so faithful,
faithful in every single little things,
faithful in His unfailing promises,
faithful in the ways He works.
However,
I am not,
not faithful at all,
i doubt His love,
i reckon that He's not with me,
i blamed and grumbled at Him,
if you ask me ''isn't He is your everything??'',
i might not know how to answer,
i might not say Yes,
i might hesistate before i can actually answer,
Why?? why i lose FAITH in Him??
why the track that i walk with Him becoming so tough??
why i am so doubtful of His Great Love??
I can't really feel that He is my everything,
could be said that i found it so hard for me to claim that He is actually my everything, it's just so hard for me to proclaim it.So hard!!! I could say that He is my King, my saviour, my Prince of peace, but is just so hard for me to say that He is my EVERYTHING, the everything of me and in me!!!
I know i should not doubt,
should not suspect,
should not ask why,
SHOULD NOT!!!
I really really want to be faithful to You as much as how much You're faithful to me, even though i doubt, i suspect, i fear, i insecure with Your love. I'm trying my very best, the very best to come back to the path which i used to walked with You, the very best to relook how You're working in my life with Your Great Love and the very best to sustain my Faith in You.
You're my everything,
the word 'everything' is too strong....
till hard to say yes....
He is so faithful,
faithful in every single little things,
faithful in His unfailing promises,
faithful in the ways He works.
However,
I am not,
not faithful at all,
i doubt His love,
i reckon that He's not with me,
i blamed and grumbled at Him,
if you ask me ''isn't He is your everything??'',
i might not know how to answer,
i might not say Yes,
i might hesistate before i can actually answer,
Why?? why i lose FAITH in Him??
why the track that i walk with Him becoming so tough??
why i am so doubtful of His Great Love??
I can't really feel that He is my everything,
could be said that i found it so hard for me to claim that He is actually my everything, it's just so hard for me to proclaim it.So hard!!! I could say that He is my King, my saviour, my Prince of peace, but is just so hard for me to say that He is my EVERYTHING, the everything of me and in me!!!
I know i should not doubt,
should not suspect,
should not ask why,
SHOULD NOT!!!
I really really want to be faithful to You as much as how much You're faithful to me, even though i doubt, i suspect, i fear, i insecure with Your love. I'm trying my very best, the very best to come back to the path which i used to walked with You, the very best to relook how You're working in my life with Your Great Love and the very best to sustain my Faith in You.
You're my everything,
the word 'everything' is too strong....
till hard to say yes....
Thursday, May 20, 2010
broken strings...
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything
When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else
Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late
Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late
You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
sigh...should be studying!!!!
But, feels like listen to this.
n it makes me feel like the broken string.
so broken, hard to be mended,
it's broken, can't be played on.
Just so broken, impossible to make it all okay!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
beginning and the end.
Yesterday,
he asked me '' Are you ready to finish this sem?? and looking forward to the next??''
I looked at him and say nothing....
I was in deep thought about it....
Am i ready to let it to be ended just like that??
The ''not very promising'' results,
The ''not very excellent'' english,
The ''not very sustainable'' determinations,
I should have done more,
to make it better,
to not let myself feel bad,
to not let him down,
to make them proud,
to glorify His Great Name.
I really should do more, improve more, focus more, and be determined till the very last.
I have to,
I must.
So, God, pls be with me till the very end. And I NEED YOU desperately!!!!
he asked me '' Are you ready to finish this sem?? and looking forward to the next??''
I looked at him and say nothing....
I was in deep thought about it....
Am i ready to let it to be ended just like that??
The ''not very promising'' results,
The ''not very excellent'' english,
The ''not very sustainable'' determinations,
I should have done more,
to make it better,
to not let myself feel bad,
to not let him down,
to make them proud,
to glorify His Great Name.
I really should do more, improve more, focus more, and be determined till the very last.
I have to,
I must.
So, God, pls be with me till the very end. And I NEED YOU desperately!!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Beautiful soul
so addicted to this song (jesse is so handsome!!) , esp when everything juggled.
I don't want another pretty face,
i don't want just anyone to hold,
i don't want my love goes to waste,
i want you and your beautiful soul.
You're the one i want to chase,
you're the one i want to hold,
i won't let another minutes goes to waste,
i want you and your beautiful soul.
i just want You,only You.
Friday, May 14, 2010
When there's only a little time left....
sigh....sigh...SIGH....
when there's only a little time left, i wish it could be duplicated.
when there's only a little time left, everything become a little less.
when there's only a little time left, i lost my way and focus.
when there's only a little time left, i wish to step on the brake.
when there's only a little time left, i hope to halt the time.
when there's only a little time left, biological clock goes in wrong way.
when there's only a little time left, every obligations is being juggled.
when there's only a little time left, negative thoughts all come up.
when there's only a little time left, i am becoming someone who is so impatient!!!
really unbearable to my impatience, REALLY!!!
my mood swing is jz so random and terrible, worst i could say.
he say ''be more patient. No use to yell at the food as it will not be cooked any faster.''
he say ''be more patient. I am trying my best to wash faster, sorry.''
he say ''be more patient. The singer will not sing for you eventually.''
I wonder why i am becoming so so so grumpy and naggy!!!
Devotion today :
''whatever you do,work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. (colossians 3:23) ''
In the busyness of life, it's easy to only give a half-hearted effort, it's easy to become impatient in dealing things. There's so much to do and so many insignificant, monotonous tasks that need to be completed even though you don't really feel like doing it and so we often try to get by with giving only a small amount of energy. But, that's so wrong because things will never turn out well if we didn't really give our heart on it, it will never ever be good enough to glorify His name.
I reckon this is all i have to learn to become a better person. No matter in personal growth, daily life or in academic and even in social life, i should work at them with all my heart. I should focus and give my best in the small things then it will flow through in to all the other areas of my life. Should really really be more patient, less grouchy, or else will grow old super fast!!! :(
(Upon looking around the playground He noticed me coming His way and the change in me is remarkable) --i really really wish i could say it out loudly and proudly one day!!! :)
when there's only a little time left, i wish it could be duplicated.
when there's only a little time left, everything become a little less.
when there's only a little time left, i lost my way and focus.
when there's only a little time left, i wish to step on the brake.
when there's only a little time left, i hope to halt the time.
when there's only a little time left, biological clock goes in wrong way.
when there's only a little time left, every obligations is being juggled.
when there's only a little time left, negative thoughts all come up.
when there's only a little time left, i am becoming someone who is so impatient!!!
really unbearable to my impatience, REALLY!!!
my mood swing is jz so random and terrible, worst i could say.
he say ''be more patient. No use to yell at the food as it will not be cooked any faster.''
he say ''be more patient. I am trying my best to wash faster, sorry.''
he say ''be more patient. The singer will not sing for you eventually.''
I wonder why i am becoming so so so grumpy and naggy!!!
Devotion today :
''whatever you do,work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. (colossians 3:23) ''
In the busyness of life, it's easy to only give a half-hearted effort, it's easy to become impatient in dealing things. There's so much to do and so many insignificant, monotonous tasks that need to be completed even though you don't really feel like doing it and so we often try to get by with giving only a small amount of energy. But, that's so wrong because things will never turn out well if we didn't really give our heart on it, it will never ever be good enough to glorify His name.
I reckon this is all i have to learn to become a better person. No matter in personal growth, daily life or in academic and even in social life, i should work at them with all my heart. I should focus and give my best in the small things then it will flow through in to all the other areas of my life. Should really really be more patient, less grouchy, or else will grow old super fast!!! :(
(Upon looking around the playground He noticed me coming His way and the change in me is remarkable) --i really really wish i could say it out loudly and proudly one day!!! :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
he makes my day :)
''enjoy!! let the fun flows, then the story goes better!!!'' ( courtesy of the cute cels lecturer, Frank Griffin)
MUAHAHAHA!!!!
you know what??
He is so cute!!!
He talks about his africa's stories!!!
and most importantly,
HE MAKE MY DAY :)
i like him!!!
MUAHAHAHA!!!!
you know what??
He is so cute!!!
He talks about his africa's stories!!!
and most importantly,
HE MAKE MY DAY :)
i like him!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The 3 words...
''I LOVE YOU'',
these 3 words can mean a lots to some people,
yet it could jz be joke to some,
still, to me, i'm terrified of it,
terrified of either hearing or saying.
There are couples that commit to saying it to each other every single day, no matter what happens. On contrary, some only say it if they really, really mean it. They take the words very seriously and will refrain from saying them just as a response. There are some extreme ways of dealing with these three powerful words.
To me, i would say that i'm entirely terrified of these 3 words. I'm jz at the somewhere near the end of the extreme and see these words in fear and insecurity. Neither would i throw them around willy-nilly nor spur it out. And, it could be completely deleted or erased from my mind.
I'm jz don't really have the trust and faith in love or romance as promises always fail, expectations never come true, the feelings towards each other say bye, betrayal, unfaithfulness, changes of characteristics and many many reasons. Those pulls me down from believing it, takes away the attractions towards opposite sex, snatches away the feelings of being in loved and kills my heart till only bitterness left. So, for now, i'm not even want to fall in love to somebody and not even want to be loved. And, i don't think i'm really, indeed ready for it.
Thus, single always win, it never lie, never make you falls apart, never make your heart broken and never ever make you bitter!!!
Somehow, my mum told me, bible says '' These people will wait until they're ready to walk down aisle with someone before uttering these three words'' (2John 1:1-13). And, i believe that as much as i agree with this verse. So, wait until you're ready, then say, commit and sustain to suppress all till the very very end. God will definitely smile at you and say ''You guys make it!! well done!!! :) ''
just like them!!!! :)door....
''when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. '' -helen keller.
So,
when one way of success closes, another opens?
when one's relationship closes, another opens?
when one door of dream closes, another opens?
so isn't when one closes, another will definitely opens?
if it's , why people always look so long at the closed one, haunted by the past, suffered from the pain, became a bitter fellow, yet still do not want to reach out to the opened ones, still do not want to accept the opened ones??
Isn't it so fun and interesting to stop, stay at the roaring strong waves which is hitting your boat from time to time rather than keep paddling till you reach the tranquil and calm sea??
Sunday, May 9, 2010
the run...
what are you looking at?? hope?? faith?? love??
went to gym today,
after jud went home,
i continued to run on the machine,
to find back the determination that i used to have,
to find back the speed of motion that i used to run,
to find back myself after the storm,
to find back the faith, hope and love........
this run, not an easy one,
run in my own race, not an easy one....
while walking home,
i stare at the blue sky for few minutes,
the sky smile to me,
i smile at him too :)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mum, You're the best!!!
Happy mother's day!!!how much i wish to see her now...
how much i wish to go for a dinner with her now....
how much i wish to hear her naggings now....
how much i wish to sleep with her now.....
how much i wish i would be able to be with her now...
mum, those 10 things in the card which i sent to you are what you had nurtured me for years. The unfailing love, the uncountable efforts, the time, the strength and the incomprehensible cares that you had put in to my life are something which i can't be able to compensate. I am so honoured to be your child. I am so grateful that you had planted the God-given seed into my life and kept watering it to make sure that it will grow well, grow strong. I am so appreciate that you never ever give me up when i almost give up myself several times. I am so glad that you are always so understanding, accepting and forgiving. I am so blessed that i have a mum as you who i can talk to as a friend, hang out as a buddy, play with as peer.
Thanks for always and always make things possible.
Thanks for always and always give me the best.
Thanks for always and always sacrifice yours.
Thanks for always and always be there for me when i so in need.
Thanks for always and always smile for me even though i failed.
Thanks for always and always proud of me albeit i'm not the best.
Thanks for always and always love me.
Thank you for everything, mum.
i will do my very best for you, i promise.
thanks for making me someone who you can proud of today. :)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The second piece....
It's quite a bad day for me.
these 2 sheets of tissues has reminded me about the old days backhome,
when i am so down after getting my result,
i will only go to you and cry like a baby,
and you'll prepared a piece of tissue paper for me,
only the second piece of the whole packet i would use,
and only you know....
Hmm...was down today yet you're jz too far for me to cry to...
again, i hide the sadness,frustration,
coz i don't know who to cry to,
indeed, i don't have one....
i remembered everytime after i cried,
you will definitely go through my mistakes with me,
then start to remind me what i did wrongly,
and which part is my big weaknesses,
then ask me to be careful for next time...
Now, i don't even know what i did wrongly,
what i suppose to focus on,
what i should do more to improve,
what to do?? i don't understand!!!
sighhh....i found it so hard to be really crawl out from my comfort zone,
no more guardian angel,
no more free tutor,
no more soulmate,
no more second piece of tissue paper,
no more.....
too emo??
i don't think so...
jz when you really don't know what to do, how to do, you will explode.
jz when you don't have someone who can understand you and willing to listen to you,
you will definitely boom!!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
cold day....
fuiyo!!!!
nz suddenly becoming so cold,
weather is freezing,
wind is chilly,
and i can't feel my sense of touch,
-3degree in the early morning,
forcibly to be dragged up from bed,
shivering inside out,
3 layers of blankets can't win the day,
sighhhhhh.....
health deteriorating,
flatmates say i look pale,
he keeps asking 'are you sure you are okay??''
n i say ''YES!!! I'M!!! I AM JZ TOO COLD!!!''
OH, it tears me up,
i tried to hold on,
but it's too cold....
i can't feel anything,
not even have appetite for food. :(
Monday, May 3, 2010
the old one.....
It numbs more than 10 times a day....
can't even stand up when the numbs attacking......
sighhhh....what to do??
eat more calcium?? exercise?? don't sit too long??
well,
i've been there a thousand times,
feel the numbs like a thousand knives,
it's hurt, i know it's hurts.
it's hurt, i know it's hurts.
bear it through!!!
Hold on...hold on....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
You are good :)
When i am all by myself,
when i miss home,
when it's not my day,
when i am exhausted,
You are good, so good, still good......
Saturday, May 1, 2010
There is none like You...
After a long and tough week,
I was entirely exhausted inside out,
I realized that
when you want to hold tight on something that you love so badly,
when you are trying so hard to get over the pain and the past,
when you are doing your very best to stop killing your heart,
when you are expecting maybe,just maybe the past could be retrieved,
when you are still hoping he still will care and think about,
when you are doing what you can to avoid yourself to see,think,care,
when you are so afraid of losing everything that you have,
when you are searching maybe there's someone who can understand you,
when you are hiding your sorrow but hanging a fake smile to face the world,
you will so tired, exhausted, wear out,
physically, emotionally, spiritually,
and the HEART.
After i had read cheng yee's blog bout 'pain' that he is having,
everyone do have the pain-- something you don't want to reveal,
He used 9 years, 9!!! to forget, to let go, to put down,
i asked myself ''how long you have to take then??''
People can take jz within a month to find a new one,
to have a new life, to get over it, to start again.
Then, why can't you jz do the same?? WHY CAN'T YOU??
WHY IT'S STILL ACHING??? STILL BE HAUNTED EVERY DAY AND NIGHT??
Nothing i can actually do to stop killing my heart,
so i surrender all to Him,
today, when i reach out my hand during worship,
i feel that i touch His hands,
the pair of hands which i am searching and longing for so long,
i can feel he is holding me tightly,
he speaks to me,
''stop searching, stop killing yourself with the past, the pain,
pass it all to me, i will take the wheel.''
suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart as You do....
Thursday, April 29, 2010
onions...
Life like an onion,
when you peel a layer of it,
After weeping,
desperado onion soup,
might be the result...
That's life!!!
we weep,
Then, we stand up,
we fight for it,
victories come as good food...
when you peel a layer of it,
sometimes you weep...
After weeping,
desperado onion soup,
might be the result...
That's life!!!
we weep,
Then, we stand up,
we fight for it,
victories come as good food...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
No, you wouldn't...
Would you??
No, you wouldn't,
you had left silently,
i'm glad that you had left,
so,would you pls leave the core which is still aching as well??
as you would never ever be there....
The Omnipotent God...
Today is gonna to be a pretty brief one.......
I really really truly want to say a Very Big Thank You to Him!!!
I got 5 out 6 for my chem lab test which i thought that it was initially screwed up by me.
I thought i would get even 1 point, not even 1.
But, God gave me a surprise...a chance...an encouragement.
After getting the mark,
He speaks to me,
'' I gave you every single seconds, every minute, every hour, every day, week and months as a chance. A chance to do better for me, a chance to learn to cherish things that i had done and am doing for You, a chance to draw nearer to me, a chance to stand up for me after every falls, a chance to believe me, a chance to say you love me.''
AWWWW.....
YOU----The Omnipotent, ALL Powerful, Incomprehensibly loving God, I Love You!!!
I really really truly want to say a Very Big Thank You to Him!!!
I got 5 out 6 for my chem lab test which i thought that it was initially screwed up by me.
I thought i would get even 1 point, not even 1.
But, God gave me a surprise...a chance...an encouragement.
After getting the mark,
He speaks to me,
'' I gave you every single seconds, every minute, every hour, every day, week and months as a chance. A chance to do better for me, a chance to learn to cherish things that i had done and am doing for You, a chance to draw nearer to me, a chance to stand up for me after every falls, a chance to believe me, a chance to say you love me.''
AWWWW.....
YOU----The Omnipotent, ALL Powerful, Incomprehensibly loving God, I Love You!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Heaps like mountains....
''Ability may take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.'' - John Wooden.
hmm, my low ability in academic really really drag my faith and confidence down.
There are jz so much need to be done everyday,
so much need to be squeezed and stored into brain,
They took away my sleep, my courage....
Yet, it doesn't really give you an assurance that,
''WOW, I did well!!! ''
It doesn't for now...
maybe it didn't really been done well,
maybe i didn't really put enough efforts.
heaps of maybe-s marching in my mind.
heaps of fears covering my whole heart.
It's jz heaps and heaps....
Heaps to be done...be swallowed..
heaps to be sacrificed...be paid off..
Then heaps of good news will come.....
hmm, my low ability in academic really really drag my faith and confidence down.
There are jz so much need to be done everyday,
so much need to be squeezed and stored into brain,
They took away my sleep, my courage....
Yet, it doesn't really give you an assurance that,
''WOW, I did well!!! ''
It doesn't for now...
maybe it didn't really been done well,
maybe i didn't really put enough efforts.
heaps of maybe-s marching in my mind.
heaps of fears covering my whole heart.
It's jz heaps and heaps....
Heaps to be done...be swallowed..
heaps to be sacrificed...be paid off..
Then heaps of good news will come.....
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I am loved :)
Before i go off to bed,
i really really want to say,
A Big Thank You to,
My lovely flatties, who are giving me fully supports during exam...
seb, who texted me ''don't stress, God bless!!!'',
Johanna, who kept texting me physic jokes and the one who leads all prayers for us,
Alicia, my super duper lovely lg leader who always pray for me b4 everything is gonna to start and happen,
Carol, who will always flick me a text to add on my strength and Fear NOT!!!
Fiona, who send me a very long and touching text after she read my blog i guess....weehee!!!
Dorothy, who always teach, encourage, and advice me what to do when i'm so confused, helpless, lost and tempted by some other insteads of focusing on studies...
Dennis & Ade, who send texts to me as well, teach me how to deal with my study time and method, and umat stuffs....
Ginny and Ah gong, who are the lovely one, they came to send me medicine when i'm sick and always take good care of me by treating me good food (yumyum)!!!
Joel and Vicky, who sent me a ''de-stress packet'' to reduce my stress level----their homemade lovely and yummy cookies....hehehehe =))
So, in the midst of darkness and loneliness,
i'm not walking all by myself,
i'm not running in the single marathon,
i'm not racing alone,
i'm loved by awesome people,
they are the stars in the only blue sky,
they make my life shines,
they make me different,
they make me loved......
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I'M BLESSED....
I'M LOVED...
N I LOVE THEM...
i really really want to say,
A Big Thank You to,
My lovely flatties, who are giving me fully supports during exam...
seb, who texted me ''don't stress, God bless!!!'',
Johanna, who kept texting me physic jokes and the one who leads all prayers for us,
Alicia, my super duper lovely lg leader who always pray for me b4 everything is gonna to start and happen,
Carol, who will always flick me a text to add on my strength and Fear NOT!!!
Fiona, who send me a very long and touching text after she read my blog i guess....weehee!!!
Dorothy, who always teach, encourage, and advice me what to do when i'm so confused, helpless, lost and tempted by some other insteads of focusing on studies...
Dennis & Ade, who send texts to me as well, teach me how to deal with my study time and method, and umat stuffs....
Ginny and Ah gong, who are the lovely one, they came to send me medicine when i'm sick and always take good care of me by treating me good food (yumyum)!!!
Joel and Vicky, who sent me a ''de-stress packet'' to reduce my stress level----their homemade lovely and yummy cookies....hehehehe =))
So, in the midst of darkness and loneliness,
i'm not walking all by myself,
i'm not running in the single marathon,
i'm not racing alone,
i'm loved by awesome people,
they are the stars in the only blue sky,
they make my life shines,
they make me different,
they make me loved......
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I'M BLESSED....
I'M LOVED...
N I LOVE THEM...
Saturday, April 24, 2010
It's Your L.O.V.E......
This song sing my heart out...
Today, early in the morning, i have lifegroup bible study,we learn about whole chapter of Ephesian 3, it's really awesome. Because i found out that the whole chapter speaks to me.
I have to admit that I am that kind of shy and discouraged person. It could be said that ''i'm not that friendly and approacable to everyone.''. But, i'm really really trying my very best to say ''hi'' to everybody that i bump to no matter where and who. Yet, i feel that i always do insufficiently...It's jz not enough. And the result of my 'hard-to-approach'' to people, i have less friends...less trusted friends who i can really speak to, who i can pour my heart to, who i can study with and who i can grumble to. So, i'm becoming more quiet now...well,isn't people call maybe you're getting more mature so less in talking but choose to listen more instead?? Hmmm....i don't think so...i jz reckon that i'm not alright...How could a person who likes to talk and share, as time flies, she is becoming more and more introvert and quiet?? Well...i wonder who am i now...hmmm..a very good question to think about...
Well, about love, not about the ''BGR'' one, what i actually mean is about the love for people around me. Hmmm, i seem to be selfish nowadays or i jz don't know how to open my mouth and invite or offer. I used to love people so much. But, now, i found it's so hard for me to open my mouth to offer, like ask people want to taste the food that i order. Hmm...i wonder why...maybe i scare..i fear..that i maybe burst out with something wrong through my mouth. This is what people call lack of confidence and faith?? I suppose....i dislike myself being like this..it's jz something i can't accept and allow myself to have..THE SELFISHNESS!!! =((
I'm someone who is torn but still alive because of His Love.
I'm someone who is so unworthy to receive His Love everyday but He tells me that ''You're worthy, my girl.''.
I'm someone who is not pretty enough but He whispers to me that'' You're beautiful in my eyes''.
I'm someone who is so selfish, someone who don't know how to love, but He says '' You're willing to learn, you have the heart for it, you're not selfish, you're jz don't know where to start to love, jz sometimes find it hard to express your love to others. But, in my eyes, You're lovely.''
Lord, if i ever not know and believe you, i wouldn't have the faith to believe myself. If You not ever love me, i wouldn't grasp how wide, how deep, how immeasurable, how indescridable...How GREAT is Your LOVE!!!
'In Him through faith in him we way approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.'' ephesian 3:12-13
It's Your Love...I'm worthy...I'm beautiful...I'm who you specially made...I'm unashamed..
Because of Your Love...I'm trusting...I'm learning...I'm crawling out from my fear...i'm doing my best for You...
In You, i have FAITH.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
flatties = family ?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....i'm HAPPY today!!!!
We have a really nice and interesting talk during dinner today :)
Ah Ha?? we're gonna to sing ''Steven is gonna has a GF, Steven is gonna has a GF!!!''
Why we're so excited about it?? because we care!!! we're a big family!!!
Hmm, talk bout love, romance and relationship....
everyone has different opinions and perpectives...
But, everyone care about the how long the relationship is going to sustain??
How well you know about the special girl or guy??
How sure can you promised that you'll be faithful, so does she/he??
Those are the first part of questions everyone's mind pop out.
Then, Kim and Wei (who are those in a relationship) start to teach steven many kinds of methods to ask the girl out...or might jz bring her home and we're all gonna have a glance on her :)) HAHAHAHAHA.....
Why i said that we're like a family, sometimes more that siblings??
coz,
~when some of them wanna to go out for a date, they'll ask opinions from all of us on what kinds n colours of clothes should he/she wear in order to look as perfect as possible. (done by Wei)
~we share the happy or sad things which had happened during the day when dinner.
~we comfort, encourage and support each other during exam and test period.
~we go library to study together and get groceries as well.
~we play boardgames and say jokes together.
~we cook for each other.
~we care for each other in the ways of when we came home, who we're going out with and where and do what...
~we fight with each other sometimes, esp me and wei =)
~we are like a big family!!!
I really can't wait to create more n MORE memories and happy moments with you guys!!!
I am loved by those ppl (kim, sal, ivy, wei and ste).....
coz i'm the youngest!!!
N thank you Thank You n THANK YOU, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!! =))
We have a really nice and interesting talk during dinner today :)
Ah Ha?? we're gonna to sing ''Steven is gonna has a GF, Steven is gonna has a GF!!!''
Why we're so excited about it?? because we care!!! we're a big family!!!
Hmm, talk bout love, romance and relationship....
everyone has different opinions and perpectives...
But, everyone care about the how long the relationship is going to sustain??
How well you know about the special girl or guy??
How sure can you promised that you'll be faithful, so does she/he??
Those are the first part of questions everyone's mind pop out.
Then, Kim and Wei (who are those in a relationship) start to teach steven many kinds of methods to ask the girl out...or might jz bring her home and we're all gonna have a glance on her :)) HAHAHAHAHA.....
Why i said that we're like a family, sometimes more that siblings??
coz,
~when some of them wanna to go out for a date, they'll ask opinions from all of us on what kinds n colours of clothes should he/she wear in order to look as perfect as possible. (done by Wei)
~we share the happy or sad things which had happened during the day when dinner.
~we comfort, encourage and support each other during exam and test period.
~we go library to study together and get groceries as well.
~we play boardgames and say jokes together.
~we cook for each other.
~we care for each other in the ways of when we came home, who we're going out with and where and do what...
~we fight with each other sometimes, esp me and wei =)
~we are like a big family!!!
I really can't wait to create more n MORE memories and happy moments with you guys!!!
I am loved by those ppl (kim, sal, ivy, wei and ste).....
coz i'm the youngest!!!
N thank you Thank You n THANK YOU, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!! =))
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
voice of truth....
But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
once again, To climb out of this boat i'm in onto the crashing waves, To step out of my comfort zone into the realm of the unknown, the kind of faith it takes, i surrender ALL to You.......
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
once again, To climb out of this boat i'm in onto the crashing waves, To step out of my comfort zone into the realm of the unknown, the kind of faith it takes, i surrender ALL to You.......
Only Blue....
walked back from lib in the midst of the night...
was accompanied by the only blue sky...
i lifted up my head and start to admire the beauty of the only blue....
it was really beautiful although it's jz cover with a colour...
meanwhile, heart is full of excitement and anxieties...
why?? two is better than one?? hmmm...
people byside seems to be in another world of two....
but only me, seems like the only blue sky without stars shinning on it....
Yet, still, i'm enjoying life without two....
sometimes ''only blue'' is beautiful too...
simple, clean, attractive,nice albeit dull sometimes...
Yet, could embellish by jz a star with small dim of sparkling light...
as in girls as ''only blue'' jz need a simple love to fulfill her life..
simple love with sincerity, commitment, trust and god's approval....
Thus, ''Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.'' -Leo Buscagila.
Only blue,
the odd one,
Yet will be the brightest,
when a star shines on it...... =))
was accompanied by the only blue sky...
i lifted up my head and start to admire the beauty of the only blue....
it was really beautiful although it's jz cover with a colour...
meanwhile, heart is full of excitement and anxieties...
why?? two is better than one?? hmmm...
people byside seems to be in another world of two....
but only me, seems like the only blue sky without stars shinning on it....
Yet, still, i'm enjoying life without two....
sometimes ''only blue'' is beautiful too...
simple, clean, attractive,nice albeit dull sometimes...
Yet, could embellish by jz a star with small dim of sparkling light...
as in girls as ''only blue'' jz need a simple love to fulfill her life..
simple love with sincerity, commitment, trust and god's approval....
Thus, ''Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.'' -Leo Buscagila.
Only blue,
the odd one,
Yet will be the brightest,
when a star shines on it...... =))
Sunday, April 18, 2010
can't take my eye off You....
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.
well, i am so addicted to this song today!!! lolss!!
hmm...this song strikes my heart that i can't take my eye off Our Father Lord.
He is the lover of my soul...
I need and love him so badly...
well, you might think i'm kind of a weirdo...
But, the feeling of this kind of LOVE is jz so true every single moments in my life...It's jz pushing me through every challenge in life =)
I love this verse so much ''Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?? (Proverbs 20:6)
Sometimes, i might wonder that
'Isn't the person who claims that he loves me faithful enough to be my man??'
or in another way round,
'Isn't I am able to be faithful enough to be someone's lady??'
or 'Who will be really faithful enough??'
hmmm.....to me, till now, only Him (The awesome papa above) is jz so faithful enough as He never ever leave....He is always there...and the other man who is faithful enough is my dad, a man who loves God so much, a man who loves his family so much, a man who is unconditionally love me so so much!!!
I thanks God for giving me such a lovely dad...someone who is more than a dad but as a super duper great friend of mine!!! :)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
我也想好不好？！
憔悴的样子，
眼睛下方有着厚厚的眼袋，
脸上带着几百种虚伪的笑容，
但还是想好好地为梦想打拼。
流水般的眼泪，
带有酸，甜，苦，辣的味道，
拼了命地在他们面前强忍着，
一滴都不敢从眼眶里流出来，
但每次到了对话的最后，
声音开始变得如此低沉，
挂断后，眼泪夺眶而出,
但还是想忍一忍，因这是成长之路。
打不完的竞争，
每个人尽全力跑在最前端，
而我呢？我也在跑啊！
但就是必须跑比人家多倍，
才能赶上那几千人的脚步，
好累，好压力，跑得有点喘不过气，
但你知道吗？
我还是想和你们跑在同线，不再踏你们的影子。
明天，最后一天准备，
那一个小时的仗，
二十八仙的总分，
我们好像用了生命所用的一切作交换，
我还是会读了，又忘，又读，
也许频频失败，失望，
但我还是想带着钢灰，冲过去，闯过去好不好！！！
i am still wish to, still......
眼睛下方有着厚厚的眼袋，
脸上带着几百种虚伪的笑容，
但还是想好好地为梦想打拼。
流水般的眼泪，
带有酸，甜，苦，辣的味道，
拼了命地在他们面前强忍着，
一滴都不敢从眼眶里流出来，
但每次到了对话的最后，
声音开始变得如此低沉，
挂断后，眼泪夺眶而出,
但还是想忍一忍，因这是成长之路。
打不完的竞争，
每个人尽全力跑在最前端，
而我呢？我也在跑啊！
但就是必须跑比人家多倍，
才能赶上那几千人的脚步，
好累，好压力，跑得有点喘不过气，
但你知道吗？
我还是想和你们跑在同线，不再踏你们的影子。
明天，最后一天准备，
那一个小时的仗，
二十八仙的总分，
我们好像用了生命所用的一切作交换，
我还是会读了，又忘，又读，
也许频频失败，失望，
但我还是想带着钢灰，冲过去，闯过去好不好！！！
i am still wish to, still......
Monday, April 12, 2010
So Don't Care!!!
somethings matter, somethings don't,
once you had done your very best,
it's enough.....all is well.....
it applies on how you treat ppl too,
once you treat them the best you can,
it's enough.....all is well.....
sometimes you do care,
but some didn't even want to give a glance on you,
some didn't even ask how had you been,
some didn't even remember who you are,
But, ask yourself, don't you give enough love and cares?
don't you always remember ??
once you give in sufficiently,
it's enough.....all is well....
seek for your priority,
somethings we have to pay full price,
there will never be on sale,
no shortcuts for such achievements,
only endurance is the price tag for victories...
so once you give in all you can,
and leave the result to God,
it's enough....all is well...
So, to conclude, Don't Care too much about the uncertainities!!!
As He has a plan for anything, everything,
all is well :)
once you had done your very best,
it's enough.....all is well.....
it applies on how you treat ppl too,
once you treat them the best you can,
it's enough.....all is well.....
sometimes you do care,
but some didn't even want to give a glance on you,
some didn't even ask how had you been,
some didn't even remember who you are,
But, ask yourself, don't you give enough love and cares?
don't you always remember ??
once you give in sufficiently,
it's enough.....all is well....
seek for your priority,
somethings we have to pay full price,
there will never be on sale,
no shortcuts for such achievements,
only endurance is the price tag for victories...
so once you give in all you can,
and leave the result to God,
it's enough....all is well...
So, to conclude, Don't Care too much about the uncertainities!!!
As He has a plan for anything, everything,
all is well :)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
needles. numbs.
( isn't painful enough?? i bet so..............)now, my brain is jz stucked....
ohhh....celsss.....how can i absorb you guys??
i wonder '' how much more can i take??''
fear jz like needles...pokes and covers my whole heart...
till it numbs........
as my feet...it can numbs more than 10 times a day...
i can feel there are millions of needles poking on my feet....
soon it lost its feeling.....become spongy....soft...
then i need to put it straight to recover....
hmmm....annoying huh??
well....Abba Father....please please and please...give me sharp wisdom n mind...let me focus well...n let what i had memorized stay in my mind....
(quiet time today: if you wonder ''how much more can i take??'' Bishop JC Ryle: ''The only we may be assured of, that if tomorrow brings a cross, He who sends it can and will send the grace to bear it.'' In God's kingdom it works like this : Faith tested, character refined, abundance given.)
So, believe it or not?? i'm learning........
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Here in Your presence....
'' Here in Your presence we are undone,
Here in Your presence heaven and earth become one,
Here in Your presence all things are new,
Here in Your presence everything bow before You.''
hmm....this song strikes my heart strongly today during worship, esp the first and the last phrase. In His presence, we are undone. We are jz someone who is being bornt newly. In front of Him, i felt so broken....jz someone who is so incomplete in all ways. Sometimes, i wonder why He still love me as i am so terrible and useless?? Coz His love is divine...is unconditionally..is so wide..is forever ever...is irreplaceable =))
Yea....in His presence everything bow before Him. I was so didn't feel like going to church today. My worries, anxieties and fear over the coming tests outweigh everything in my life, even Him. I felt so guilty as i had a really bad thought to skip church today as i knew i can't steal God's time to do things of my own. I felt so wrong when i was singing this phrase....everything has to bow before Him, nothing can outweigh Him.....jz NOTHING is more significant than Him....
I heard a voice speaking to me during the worship moment, He said ''Jane, don't you ever know everything has to bow before me?? EVERYTHING.....do your best....leave the rest to me....n bow before me!!!'' In that moment, i knew God's heart had been broken by me, He is crying as His daughter never put Him in the very first place and put trust in Him. I felt so bad...so guilty...so so condemned...
I am learning..
learning to put trust in Him..
learning to do my best n leave the rest for Him..
learning to live everyday with His presence....
learning to survive with His divine love.....
Here in Your presence heaven and earth become one,
Here in Your presence all things are new,
Here in Your presence everything bow before You.''
hmm....this song strikes my heart strongly today during worship, esp the first and the last phrase. In His presence, we are undone. We are jz someone who is being bornt newly. In front of Him, i felt so broken....jz someone who is so incomplete in all ways. Sometimes, i wonder why He still love me as i am so terrible and useless?? Coz His love is divine...is unconditionally..is so wide..is forever ever...is irreplaceable =))
Yea....in His presence everything bow before Him. I was so didn't feel like going to church today. My worries, anxieties and fear over the coming tests outweigh everything in my life, even Him. I felt so guilty as i had a really bad thought to skip church today as i knew i can't steal God's time to do things of my own. I felt so wrong when i was singing this phrase....everything has to bow before Him, nothing can outweigh Him.....jz NOTHING is more significant than Him....
I heard a voice speaking to me during the worship moment, He said ''Jane, don't you ever know everything has to bow before me?? EVERYTHING.....do your best....leave the rest to me....n bow before me!!!'' In that moment, i knew God's heart had been broken by me, He is crying as His daughter never put Him in the very first place and put trust in Him. I felt so bad...so guilty...so so condemned...
I am learning..
learning to put trust in Him..
learning to do my best n leave the rest for Him..
learning to live everyday with His presence....
learning to survive with His divine love.....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Magnificent...
Well, easter camp had over...yet, the strong spirit of love n passion towards God is still so strong within my heart. ''Draw near, Hold fast & Go forward'' is the theme of the camp,10. Hmm, in spiritually, i had grown more n more. Drawing nearer to Him....pour out myself from inside out to Him this time....esp on saturday night. On that night, when pastor Then was holding the prayer sessions halfway in worshipping, i walked out from the crowd with one of my friend, dorothy, we kneeled down n leader approached to pray for us. We cried out our soul, our struggles, our pains to Him. For me, i always smile in front of ppl...seldom show my sadness or disappointments to ppl..seldom pour out myself to ppl...always n always pretending. However, on that night, i jz don't care how ppl look at me...i jz want Him...jz want Him comes into my life once again. The part which touches me so much is when all of the hsfy-ers hugged together n pray. We prayed for each other. We cried out our fear n pain in front of each other. We united in christ. How amazing is it?? jz pray n pray for hours....pray for each other's worries, pains, fears, problems and weaknesses......after tears dropping n praying, i felt so relieved...i felt there is peace....i felt God is always with me....walk with me =)
Then, the 2nd thing which amazed me tremendously is when all the leaders helped us to wash our feet. At first, i wonder why they want to help us to wash our feet. Then, melia told me it's because Jesus humbled himself to help his apostles to wash their feet, so do we leaders. We need to humble ourselves to serve Him n His people. Humilation and willingness with sincerity are necessities when serving. She told me that one day i will be washing ppl who i am serving too. I was like ''WOW!!!'' when serving, we need to be humble n sincere.
eugene was washing cyrus's feet.....
Lastly, dawn worship was really really impressive, which amazed me a lots. Although i did complaint that wake up by 6 am was honestly too early after a long day, but somehow it's worthy. As all of us made an effort to wake up early to worship together while waiting for the sunrise...to see the wonders of God's creations. It was really nice when all of us came together to worship Lord with our voices as there was only guitar accompaniments...so our voices outweighed the guitar's...so yea...it's pretty cool n awesome.
we started to worship from the dark......
we started to worship from the dark......
Then, slowly, there is small dim of light.......
gradually, stronger beams of light was being painted on the sky....nice right??
beams of light getting brighter n brighter....how's amazing huh??
Tada!!! daylight break through......i love it!!! how beautiful....woooottttsss!!!
So, Good morning ppl...it's a brand new day....a brand new life of all creatures...so do me =))Wednesday, March 31, 2010
exercise bonds relationship ;)
This week could be said that quite a productive one.
We girls (lifegroup) went exercise in unipol for twice a week.
From doing cardio till weights,
to make your quadriceps, hamstrings,triceps and biceps muscle firm n strong,
living in such a healthy life huh?? lolsss....
HAHA, i felt that i can be more n more open to my lifegroup girls.
Alicia (the very lady captain),stef,fio,jud n rachel...
well, i love to talk to alicia coz she is amazed me,
esp the maturity that she is having, the experiences, the promises...
i can jz pour out everything to her, can jz be so real in front of her...
can LAUGH OUT LOUD, can be funny, can be serious....lolss...
Tonight, we went for badminton...haha...enjoyable one...
exercise does help in bonding with ppl,
relationship btwn lg girls, btwn couples, btwn friends,
i love to play badminton,
either play seriously or jz for fun...
i love to hit the shuttlecock with all my strength,
jz like i am giving in all i can in living,
giving in all, hit every shuttles it comes to me,
as if conquers all challenges that approaching to me,
well, the feeling jz so so similar....
HAHA...tonight, we had a fun match...
me, caleb, fio n joel laughing all the ways when playing,
but, we did sweat...yet we played in a more relaxing ways...
had been long time for not laughing till stomach pain....
well, i laughed for 2 hrs today... =))
Love exercise, love my lg,
love badminton, love laughing out loud,
love to be myself by not bothering about how ppl look at me,
love doing life together,
love to give in all i can in everything i do,
love to do my best in pursuing dreams,
love God so much so much....
gonna to build a stronger relationship with Him,
easter coming, a break from everything,
the 4 days...
I JUST WANT TO GIVE ALL TO HIM....
''father lord, thank you that you love me so much so much, thank you that you are always by my side, thank you that you are willing to come into my heart n life to understand me, thank you for what you had provided n are providing, thank you for giving a great loving family backhome, thank you for deliver awesome friends in my life,thank you for listening to me,to my grumbles everyday, thank you for everything...i love you lord!!! so much, so much...in jesus name, amen :) ''
We girls (lifegroup) went exercise in unipol for twice a week.
From doing cardio till weights,
to make your quadriceps, hamstrings,triceps and biceps muscle firm n strong,
living in such a healthy life huh?? lolsss....
HAHA, i felt that i can be more n more open to my lifegroup girls.
Alicia (the very lady captain),stef,fio,jud n rachel...
well, i love to talk to alicia coz she is amazed me,
esp the maturity that she is having, the experiences, the promises...
i can jz pour out everything to her, can jz be so real in front of her...
can LAUGH OUT LOUD, can be funny, can be serious....lolss...
Tonight, we went for badminton...haha...enjoyable one...
exercise does help in bonding with ppl,
relationship btwn lg girls, btwn couples, btwn friends,
i love to play badminton,
either play seriously or jz for fun...
i love to hit the shuttlecock with all my strength,
jz like i am giving in all i can in living,
giving in all, hit every shuttles it comes to me,
as if conquers all challenges that approaching to me,
well, the feeling jz so so similar....
HAHA...tonight, we had a fun match...
me, caleb, fio n joel laughing all the ways when playing,
but, we did sweat...yet we played in a more relaxing ways...
had been long time for not laughing till stomach pain....
well, i laughed for 2 hrs today... =))
Love exercise, love my lg,
love badminton, love laughing out loud,
love to be myself by not bothering about how ppl look at me,
love doing life together,
love to give in all i can in everything i do,
love to do my best in pursuing dreams,
love God so much so much....
gonna to build a stronger relationship with Him,
easter coming, a break from everything,
the 4 days...
I JUST WANT TO GIVE ALL TO HIM....
''father lord, thank you that you love me so much so much, thank you that you are always by my side, thank you that you are willing to come into my heart n life to understand me, thank you for what you had provided n are providing, thank you for giving a great loving family backhome, thank you for deliver awesome friends in my life,thank you for listening to me,to my grumbles everyday, thank you for everything...i love you lord!!! so much, so much...in jesus name, amen :) ''
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
海阔天空
到了世界盡頭 開始習慣了風
捧著厚厚的寂寞 平靜向前走 不當做那是折磨
到了世界盡頭 開始學會快樂
＊不同方向的遼闊 是你最後溫柔 一直到現在我才懂
海闊天空 在我心中 濕透了眼就不再迷惑
望著你給的黑夜 當淚劃過 才能 對自己寬容
海闊天空 我頂著風 當霧散開就真的自由
獨自尋遍這地球 找新的出口 謝謝 你讓我愛過
repeat ＊
就算捨不得 也不能回頭
海闊天空 我頂著風 當霧散開就真的自由
獨自尋遍這地球 找新的出口 謝謝你讓我 愛過
indeed, tiredness conquer me,
every part of myself jz crumble,
the uncertainities, anxieties,fears,
add ons the loady workloads, revisions,
housechores, cooking, daily problems,
jz push me down...so tired....
life without papa n mama...
is so horrible n terrible...
lost house's key, internet banking breakdown,
shop for groceries n daily necessities,
prepare lunches, wash clothes, pay bills....
how much i wish my papa n mama are here..
who will jz do everything for me...
what i need to do is jz study..
no worrries bout how life gonna be tmrw n the days ahead...
well, i wish go back to the old days so badly...
i wish there'll always be someone who share my burdens...
i wish i can always be a child...forever ever...
haha...i know what i think of is jz so impossible to come true...
what to do le??
jz move forward lo...what can you do more missy?? you tell me la!!!
cry?? that's useless!!!
smile?? that's a fake one!!!
worries?? that's a killing factor!!!
fear?? that's a murder weapon!!!
well, believe and trust in Him?? unashamed on where you're standing?? pray??
Yea, these are the ways to motivate me to carry on and on....
it's always a journey...
God never fail you...
He'll never ever gonna to fail you!!! remember pls =))
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Unashamed
well, after a tough week, after the first hubs test, after all and all, i finally have time for You, Father Lord. (i know that was wrong as i should have time for Him everyday). SIGH.....I am lost in His track as i kept walking on my own. But, church yesterday was really great and awesome one. After a very tiring week, once again, i put down and surrender all to Him that night. My tears fall as i set free from Him after all and all. That's the tears of happiness and gratefulness.
I am grateful that You are here to walk with me everyday.
I am grateful that You deliver awesome people to speak to me in my life along this journey.
I am grateful that what You give are always more than enough.
I am grateful that You make me different from the past.
I am grateful that You are the only lover of my soul.
I am grateful that You love me so much so badly.
There is a cry in my heart,
There is a thirst for discipline,
There is a hunger for things that are deeper.
There is a yearn for peace and calm to reach its victories.
Unashamed by starfield~~
I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth
Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free
And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed
I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face
Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete
Hmm, this song hits my heart and life.
a song which make me reflects myself...
why should i be ashamed of myself who is being sent here??
why should i be ashamed of God who i believe so much??
why should i be ashamed of the place that He sent me??
why couldn't i be unashamed of where i am standing and how far that i had gone through??
why couldn't i be unashamed of what i am doing and pursuing so badly for??
well, these are the questions in my mind for now.
i know i should be UNASHAMED that i am His lovely daughter =))
easter holidays coming, easter camp coming,
time for refreshing after all n all....
time for me to find back the first love to Him =))
I am grateful that You are here to walk with me everyday.
I am grateful that You deliver awesome people to speak to me in my life along this journey.
I am grateful that what You give are always more than enough.
I am grateful that You make me different from the past.
I am grateful that You are the only lover of my soul.
I am grateful that You love me so much so badly.
There is a cry in my heart,
There is a thirst for discipline,
There is a hunger for things that are deeper.
There is a yearn for peace and calm to reach its victories.
Unashamed by starfield~~
I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth
Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free
And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed
I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face
Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete
Hmm, this song hits my heart and life.
a song which make me reflects myself...
why should i be ashamed of myself who is being sent here??
why should i be ashamed of God who i believe so much??
why should i be ashamed of the place that He sent me??
why couldn't i be unashamed of where i am standing and how far that i had gone through??
why couldn't i be unashamed of what i am doing and pursuing so badly for??
well, these are the questions in my mind for now.
i know i should be UNASHAMED that i am His lovely daughter =))
easter holidays coming, easter camp coming,
time for refreshing after all n all....
time for me to find back the first love to Him =))
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
a text prayer :)
WOAH!!!
Alicia sent me a text prayer yesterday night =))
First of my lifetime i never ever receive one,
so She ( my awesome lg leader) is the first!!!
An inordinary text,
a prayer which calms my soul and mind,
a prayer which gives me strength to push through,
a prayer which my tears that full of tiredness and anxieties fall for,
a prayer which i need so much so much....
a prayer which God amazed me by giving me a chance to believe....
a prayer which she fulfilled her promise :)
here is the first text prayer i received :
Father God, thank you that you love us and are our shepherd and our provider,our ever present help in times of need. Thank you for jane. Thank you for the lovely person that she is. Father, u commit her into your hands and pray that you will bless her and be with her. pray that as she prepares for her exams you will continue to guide her, give her a sharp mind, wisdom and understanding that she may study well...and peace of mind and calmness so she will not be anxious or stressed. Pray that she sill cast all her anxieties and burdens on you Lord because You care and she can trust you, knowing that You are in control of every situation. Thank you father God. In Jesus name i pray, Amen =)
Amen :)
Alicia sent me a text prayer yesterday night =))
First of my lifetime i never ever receive one,
so She ( my awesome lg leader) is the first!!!
An inordinary text,
a prayer which calms my soul and mind,
a prayer which gives me strength to push through,
a prayer which my tears that full of tiredness and anxieties fall for,
a prayer which i need so much so much....
a prayer which God amazed me by giving me a chance to believe....
a prayer which she fulfilled her promise :)
here is the first text prayer i received :
Father God, thank you that you love us and are our shepherd and our provider,our ever present help in times of need. Thank you for jane. Thank you for the lovely person that she is. Father, u commit her into your hands and pray that you will bless her and be with her. pray that as she prepares for her exams you will continue to guide her, give her a sharp mind, wisdom and understanding that she may study well...and peace of mind and calmness so she will not be anxious or stressed. Pray that she sill cast all her anxieties and burdens on you Lord because You care and she can trust you, knowing that You are in control of every situation. Thank you father God. In Jesus name i pray, Amen =)
Amen :)
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