We were once like that...

I was studying the whole day in med lib with alicia and ben. Their actions reminded me of us. The '' together studying'', sharing food, teaching each other, nagging, grumbling...reminded me of us. We were once like that. You always and always bear on my grumpiness. We always share our food during recess. I always bring more cakes which made by my mum to share with you and you always allow me to have a bite on your chicken-frosted bun. Lols....i miss that time....That time which you'll always there for me even though we're not in a relationship. I miss the time when i always snatch your addmath book and exercises while you're doing. I miss the time we were sharing your notes and reminding each other the main point to be remembered. I miss the time you was teaching me all the sciences and math stuffs whereas i teached you sejarah instead. I miss the time when i will never ever sit alone during tuition because you'll always sit by my side.

How strange is that as we were so close so good in 5 years but never commit in a relationship??
How strange is that as everytime i went back for visit, i could feel that you're not willing to let me go by purposely make more few turns on road??
How strange is that as everytime i chat with you in msn, you are still be able to bear with me??
How strange is that as in everytime i was in troubles i am thinking of you?? thinking that how good it would be if you could be here for me??
How strange is that you always scare me that i'll misunderstand you have fallen for someone??

We were once like that......
You were once who allowed me to dream that there's a gurdian angel....
I was once to be allowed to be myself in front of you...
we were once like that.....

like a porcupine

after the last smile,
after they left,
my tears fall,
they jz keep on falling without brake,
i felt like crumble in these days,
physically n mentally totally broke down....
n i had a research essay to pass up on the 5th..
but, i had never started yet..
helpless....jz so faze n fearful...
i wonder how am i gonna to submit it....sigh..

flatting by myself,
isn't that easy,
i don't know how to open n use the electric stove,
i used two days to clean the whole house,
from sweeping, vacuuming, wiping the kitchen, washing plates n cups,washing the toilet, cleaning my room, arranging my stuffs, fixing the bookshelf (it's really tough), buying groceries from supermarket, washing all the bedlinens n clothes n etc...
i was crumbled after those cleaning tasks....
ohhh...mummy!!! where r u??
i cried to myself n only myself...
i lied to mum n dad ''i'm okay although all by myself''...
i smiled in front of peers, cousins n family...
i never ever dare to ask for help (unless i really can't do it)
i never ever complaint or grumble to others...
i jz hiding all my internal fears n matters precisely n carefully....
coz i don't know who are going to listen to me??
who can i tell?? or who care??
Only HIM, The big papa up there...
n this faithful blog...

2009,
i had been tried so hard to step into ppl life....
i had been learnt so hard to practice their cultures n languages (i don't good at eng)
n the ways they speak n chat n of course their interests..
i had been in masked face for so long time..
i had been expecting too much from ppl n lastly came to only disappointments...
i had been done my best to greet my good friends in my hometown but no one will greet me instead, not even a simple ''how are u?''.....
i had been learnt to be independent n mature in whatever i do...
i had been trying my best to please everyone..n to hang out..

Yet,
who's willing to step into my life??
who's willing to understand the real me??
who's willing to jz ''say hello'' to me from hometown n not forsake me??
who's willing to support me n hear from me??
who's willing to make me grow in everything??

I don't know...i really don't...
i don't have the security i used to have....
i don't have the trust to ppl who may be hurted me one day...
i don't have the faith in whatever i do although i really want to do it well...
i don't have the hope in almost everything....

I am like a porcupine...
full of sharp thorns...
to protect, to fight, to cover up...
only left a little bit pride...
after casting off the gorgeous look...
loneliness n helplessness, aren't they pathetic??
i don't know...

I am like a porcupine...
protect myself by losing trust on ppl..
acts as a hypocrite..
masked with courage...
not easily look through by ppl...
i thought i am strong n is stronger than i think....
yet, i am not...

The firmness of a porcupine is only an illusion or gloss.....so do i..

我承认我没那么坚强，不过是一而再地逞强，小心把情绪收藏，刺猬的坚强全都是假象....哭吧...

You can do it !!! i can't is the fact !!!

The whole world expect that '' You can do it!!!'' ,
yet , NOBODY know or realize that i can't!!! I CAN'T!!!
see....i can't....can't even practice......only tears......
God, why i so scare?? why i so weak??
why i can't do it?? where are You now??
seeking for the peace in heart but i totally failed...
no supports....no encouragements....no motivations....
Nobody cares!!!! As they always know and think that '' YOU CAN!!!''
BUT WHO is the one who knows act I CAN'T ???

dunno why....tears jz moving around in my eyes....loneliness n fear covered my heart entirely....
WHO will be the ONE who will build me up and won't tear me down???

God, i need you so much now!!! carry me through this pls as no one else will do....

S.I.C.K.....

hmmm.....i changed my blog add....and noot many ppl know it.....i think only gorgor knows la....
anyway, i fall sick terribly.......running nose.....dizziness.....a lil bit fever and sorethroat too....
less than a week......EXAM!!! i dont really wish to have it actually but i have to sit......sad though...

really tired......
the mountains in front of me seems higher and higher.....
i doubt.....and disappointed...and discouraged by ppl around me....
because i am not that well in studies....i being left behind...
so...i rather choose to listen than talk...as nobody will listen to me....
felt alone......being abandoned???

nvm..it's ok!!!
there are many kinds of ppl in this world....
we cant be able to understand a person clearly or deeply....
n everyone have his or her ugly sides which we all hide so precisely in our daily life...
but all the ugly behaviours still will be shown when we don't really realize it.....
the ugly sides of a person might be scary.....might draw ppl around you further away....

because of success....somebody may betray friends and loved ones....
because of pride....somebody may hurt others with their own ways cruelly.....
because of high post.....somebody may cheat and trap ppl around them....
because of greediness....somebody may lose her/his inner beauty.....
because of EXAM.....somebody may not recognize the weak ones or look down on them.....

because of those becauses.......i kept my heart in a safest place......n not to let ''my heart'' to get sick.......i don't believe anyone.....coz i may be hurt badly in the end.....so....i don't want to open my heart to know....hear....believe....share....

i jz listen.....and listen......coz.....it's the only and better ways to avoid of sick in heart.....
S.I.C.K~~ SELF ISOLATION COULD BE OKAY!!!! (i comfort myself) ^^

dare or not???

'' TAKE MY FUTURE TO GAMBLE ONCE!!!!'',
'' WALK THROUGH THE NARROW GATE TO SEE THE WIDER ONE!!!''
'' RUN IN THE RACE OF THOUSANDS AND WIN THE RACE!!!''
''FIGHT IN THE WAR AND ''THRIUMPH IN THE LAST EVEN I DIE!!!''
'' BE THE RARE ONE AMONG ALL!!!''
''BE AS BRAVE AS THE DISCIPLES OF GOD TO WIN FOR HIM!!!''
''DON'T UNDER ESTIMATE YOURSELVES!!!''
''USE YOUR LITTLE BODY TO BLOCK THE HUGE STONE !!!''

lastly, i am asking myself each and every moment '' dare or not??'' , '' give up or give it a try???''

'' cry out my soul....from inside out....me, myself, a little one going to fight for You....going to block the HUGE stone which is attacking me all at once.....i don't know how much i will be suffering with....i don't know whether i can win or not.....i don't i can take the stress or not....but i am willing to give it a try!!! willing to gamble for it once although i might lose!!!''

i kneel down in front of you, to seek for your answer, to cry out my fear and pain..........

door closed

once the door closed...though how willing you want to get into it.....you can't!!
once the door closed...though how hard you strive to get into it.....you can't!!
once the door closed...though how much you expect to get into it...you can't!!
once the door closed...though how sincere you want to get onto it...you can't!!!

Not understand right??? hahaha......this my feelings now......the door is closed and i am getting tired to break or damage the door because it is impossible!!!