onions...

Life like an onion,
when you peel a layer of it,

sometimes you weep...

After weeping,
desperado onion soup,
might be the result...

That's life!!!
we weep,
Then, we stand up,
we fight for it,
victories come as good food...

swallow...

blog ah blog....
i know you are the only one willing to hear my grumbling!!!
n now u are the on who are free to hear....

i don't know why my tears jz keep on falling....it's jz like waterfall...non-stopping...
sigh....seminar presentation is coming so soon....i didn't really prepare well....n i have no confidence at all...or it can be said that i don't have any mood to either study or prepare it well....jz randomly let the time flies and i even hope the time passes faster n faster each day...

me...escaping?? avoiding?? scare of?? fear of?? masked myself?? poker face?? too emo n drama?? i can't even really figure out my feelings or mood now!!! It can be described with jz a word ''NUMB''.....
i jz unable to feel anything.....jz numb towards everyday life....how come i become like this??
my life was already so dramatic.....why it couldn't be simple a lil bit?? as simple always goes good!!

hmmm......challenges, expectations, fear, and discourage bring me down!!! yea....undeniably, i am someone who loves to grumble and GRUMBLE!!! But, it's so hard to have someone who i can really grumble with except God!!! He is the healer of everything....n He will walk me through fire...

Well, i don't know why i jz swallow everything that i wanna to speak out.....can't really be honest to ppl n myself...so can't be happy....so there comes a Poker Face!!!

A shoutout : ''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......I AM SO TIRED!!! God, give me a way to follow
you, give me miracles, give me courage, give me expectations that will never fails,
shoo away my tears, shoo away disappointments, shoo away everything that's not
belong to me!!! God, if is not belong to me, jz pls don't show me.......God, thank you
everything....and sorry....''

i'm not alright!! jz broken inside.......broken inside.........

is jz so down....

today i am jz so down....can't even give ppl a proper smile....can't even give myself a happy face...
hmmm...after schooling, i went to my flat next year to have a look of my bed and discuss things bout flat account. Sigh...i realized that i have to stay alone and is all alone in a house for a month. How sad??How disappointed?? How am i going to live through everyday?? hmm....it's scary!!!

I felt like crying.....coz i really don't know how to live without ppl staying with me....how tough it will be?? i don't want to neither think nor imagine. It will make me feel worst though...n is so worst. Tears drop....n it's jz drop due to my fear n timidness. I realized that i need to contact the landlord myself to ask for permission to stay on Jan next year and get the key of course. n I have to call the power company to allow the electricity to run during the whole month as well as the internet. n Then, i need to do flat account with kim n learn to use internet banking n trademe to get all my stuff for flat next year. sighhhhhh.....is jz too complicated!!!

hmmm...i find it so hard to tell mummy n daddy coz they will be super worried u see...is jz too sigh...how am i going to open my mouth to tell?? how ?? it's so hard as they will be really really worried. In order not to let them worry, i can only bear through the whole month. i am wondering '' how much i have to grow within that month?? can i stand it?? or i will jz collasped?''
Can somebody tell me how am i going to live through that month?? DON'T TELL ME TO BE STRONG!!! as i know i am not!!!

'' Where are You now that i am crying again?? Where are You now that i hurting?? where are You now that i need You my friend?? Where are You now that i searching?? Why do You seemed to be so far away?? Why is it always crying?? Why am i trying to hiding?? When will it be the way that you dream?? How should i firm in the meantime?? When will my faith be above n no war?? When will i not have to hold anymore?? ''

I am broken.....hope see......failure......tell me.....answer....but i don't understand!!!
You said your mans are broken hearts too, You said your love can arrive.
I am tired of this!!!

God.....pls come to me.....i know You will carry me thourgh the fire!!!!

I am broken....

HUGE.....

Yup.....i was totally lost....lost in a wide jungle without any road i can walk to...
i was chased out by the landlord today...after 10 days....
i may not have any places to stay or i will win in the arguement tmrw...
sigh......i was murmuring to myself ''How come like this??? How come??''
i blamed God again...''WHY?? WHY?? WHY??''.....
''why You want to push me to the dead end with no more road i can move towards to??''

I am so small....so little....so weak....so tired...
so unlucky also.....but i act....
act to be strong....act to be happy...
act to be nothing was happened now....
ACT....PRETEND.....

and i thought that i had became so strong...
i will not cry anymore...not even a drop of tears....
but...who knows...i did cry to myself....
assignments.....exam.....stress......now being chased!!!
i was liked '' wow.......that's a HUGE one!!! really!!!''
i lost my focus on studies......totally lost....truthfully...
lost the direction You gave......
lost the Faith to You...
lost.....lost....and lost....the only place to stay now though!!!!
ya...i am homeless.....

Now, what i had to do is to fight for the right tmrw......stdy hard tonight.....
pray to You.....seek for You consultation....and stop crying and complaining and blaming!!!

yupe...today morning....i was being complained and criticized that my epi report is not perfectly done.....is not that good as others....Dont you want to know who did that?? not my tutor...not the sickening kiwis.....is SHE......''the kiasu sarawak girl!!!!''....
i got somethings to pour out to her but i swallow it back again coz i dont want to hurt her...
'' Hey girl....don't you know that this report made me had lots of sleepless night?? don't you know that i am the only one who rearrange.....review.....correct......add more.....double check....print...and mostly do the report by myself??? Don't you ever know and experience how tired am i?? don't you ever think to help and share my burdens as you are in the group too???
don't you ever ask the progress of the whole report?? don't you ever care for ppl who sacrifice a lots to do this ??? don't you ever think of what had you contribute b4 you start to criticize on ppl works ??? don't you ever be appreciated on what ppl had done for you and your very precious marks??? DON'T YOU ???? girl.....i am so proud of myself that i can be able to finish the report without asking any help from you and the others....i am so proud that i hand in finally b4 9am although class starts at 10.....don't you know??? so.....if can....PLS SHUT YOUR MOUTH B4 I FIRE YOU!!!''

Yup.... a HUGE stone attacking me now......HUGE ONE!!!

'' a little jane who is so strong will tired also.......all she needs is You!!!''

life.....

sigh........i cant stop crying......can't able to stop my tears.....
after listening to the brief talk about health science course we can take next year, i was so disappointed and sad!!! i am in dilemma now......

limited places....least chances......i need to compete with thousands of ppl to get into the course i want and there is only 5 to 10 places....5 to 10 out of thousands....isn't possible??? such a HUGE challenge i never ever met......such a BIG disappointment i never ever have....such a overwhelming stress that i couldn't stand and carry....i am lost....totally lost.....lost in the pathway i am walking.....lost in the jungle which is too wide......lost in btw the sea which don't have the final end edge......lost!!!

sorry God, i blamed you so much!! i blamed that why You makes a big joke in my life......why You want to bring me here and there when i start to love and accustomed everything??? why you want a litttle me to block the stone which is attacking me all at once??

my faith and trust on You was defeated.......i fear....i worried....i don't what to do....i want to do it....yet i cant do......sigh...restricted?? locked??? all doors are clossed??

cry....cry.....cry.....where is the hope???

door closed

once the door closed...though how willing you want to get into it.....you can't!!
once the door closed...though how hard you strive to get into it.....you can't!!
once the door closed...though how much you expect to get into it...you can't!!
once the door closed...though how sincere you want to get onto it...you can't!!!

Not understand right??? hahaha......this my feelings now......the door is closed and i am getting tired to break or damage the door because it is impossible!!!

where got ppl like that??

pls stop asking me those foolish question before i get to be mad and angry....so frustrated la!!!

can you be able to imagine someone who got 10A in spm not even know what is being sold in supermarket??? haiz......i seems like being inspected and checked by her as a murderer!!! i got my priority ok.....stop asking me what am i doing in the morning ,afternoon and night of weekends....what am i doing in church ( i really want to ask her back what is she doing in temple)...how much money i used in a day....what am i doing after school....where you put your laptop and passport....is it safe to put them in house...what your sister intends to do in future....how big is your house in johor....which supermarket i go....what is being sold in supermarket....how to eat my breakfast,lunch and dinner (aiyo...use mouth la!!!).......what time i sleep and wake up...if i moved out from homestay, how much i use a day (i haven't move out,how i know my dear)......a lot more silly questions....almost 50 questions per day.....i am going to be mad!!! sorry to say about that!!! because something for me is my secret...my life not yours ok???

pls give me so oxygen to breathe....pls give me my freedom back....pls shut your mouth before my patience breaks my limits...pls...i am begging you now...

我不是我

从前爱笑，爱闹，爱玩的自己，
从前是别人的开心果的自己，
从前那么活泼，任性的自己，
从前那么爱说爱笑的自己，
从前只要跌倒了就会喊痛，
累了就会大哭，饿了就会叫，
无助了都会求救，病了都会吃药，
样样都不缺的何韵欣，
现在，我就好像变了个人似的，
我每天都冷到双手失去了滋觉还不放弃的往前走，
每天都被热水烫着洗澡还坚持着告诉自己没什么，
每天都在学校被大风吹到快要没有呼吸还勇敢地迈进，
连续几天搭错巴士，下错站，不懂路还告诉自己别哭，不要怕，
对再美味的食物失去了兴趣，对同学从未给予微笑，
对学校从未有过期待和好感，对未来我很压力，
我多么努力地去明白他们的语言，
我多么努力地让自己快乐，
我多么努力地让自己去爱上它，
我不再是从前那个爱笑就笑，爱哭就哭的自己了，
因为我连痛都不知道是什么了，好像吃药麻痹了，
我讨厌这个爱逞强，像铁一样冷淡的自己，
全世界都在说‘这是好机会，别放弃！’
当我背着一大堆的东西走在斜坡上，
当我被大风大雪几乎要吹倒时，
当我手脚冷到痛和没有直觉时，
突然间，我好想倒下，好想放开
因为这机会让我觉得好累，好不快乐，
我就好像被你们推到了可怕的边缘，
等一道光线..........可是它会出现吗？？

''god, where are you pls?? where is the JANE who got feelings?? where is the light from the darkness??''

give it back to me!!!

Pls............pls.............pls.........give it back to me!!! pls don't take it away again!!!
somebody pls tell me how to reject??? i want my laptop back!!!!!

Should i be so kind to lend him mine???
but how to say ''no'' in such things??
i really want to use it!!!
pls don't take it away!!!

tiredness....

My new life and journey in new zealand makes me extremely tired than f6 in kluang....

Everyday, when i have to go for dinner with my foster parents and the korean, i have to think what topic we suppose to chat together otherwise we might be so quiet and strict, it is a tiring things...

In the morning, i have to make breakfast for myself, have to take bath with th super hot water which may burnt my skin and have to walk a very long distance to taka bus to school....although i haven't go to school yet, but when i imagine. i start to feel tired and terrible...

When the time is 6pm, i had to go to the kitchen to serve dinner...n knock the door of the korean guy for dinner....then after we have our dinner, me and the korean must wash the dishes....but he always wash for me....hehehehe...

There is quite a lots of rules too!!! Firstly, i cant take my bath after 10pm and before 6am. Then, i can only take my shower for 10 mins(i cant even adjust the water temperature coz it takes almost 10 mins to adjust it). Next, must go for dinner together at 6 pm and do some preparation together. Then, must close the curtain when 5 pm and open it again in the morning. Furthermore, must switch off the light and heater before i sleep and wheni left home. Do not open loud music after 10pm. Before i sleep, i must heat up my wheat bag to warm my body. Do not get drunk and smoke. Do not bring guys into ur room during the night......and a lot more!!!

I am soooooooo tired to hear and do that!!! I cant even complaint to my parents coz my uncle will scold me. I am so frustrated la!!! I asked myself '' Isn't that my life....why you don't allow me to say anything??? I cant even have a person to say to no matter how hard is my life now!!! I bear and bear !!! That is not me!! I can talk a lot in my house....now i can only say '' i am fine!!'' I cried and cried to myself....''

My body and mind is so tired!!! I don't even want to move!!! n my foster parents dislike christian....so they seems like not really like me...when they asked me '' Jane, what types of songs u love to play the most with piano???'', i answered excitedly '' church songs''....They kept quiet for a while and asked my cousin the same question....but she answered '' i didn't play church songs but i prefer to play classical songs''.....they were so excited to hear that and straight away asked her to play a song for them...i was so disappointed!!! '' Isn't that's any problems with church songs?? Isn't that the church songs are not nice to hear???''....i really don't know the reasons...

I prayed '' God, i am so tired u know? my body is going to separate to many pieces...i am so sad and dissapointed!!! i need help...yet no one comes to me....i need someone to say to...but i got scolded!! I am not really like the chinese church i went today...but my uncle said just go la!!! I am soooooo tired!!! I cant even make my decision myself....always have to listen and obey!! I really want to be a bad girl if i can.....god...even my foster parents seem like unfair to me..coz i am a christian...i nearly lose my faith...and no people adore, appreciate and treasure me!!! i am just a 18 years old girl....entertaining makes me soooooooooo tired god....pls take away everything...it's so suffering!!! amen.''

'' Therefore we do not lose heart.Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day'' (2 corinthians 4:16).....this describes my life now!!!

unwiiling...

unwiling....unwilling....unwilling to go la!!! many ppl say:' hey girl, y u so stupid? or u won't have the opportunity again!!! r u understand??? today, we do an experiment in chemistry laboratory....the che teacher is so cool and strict....give us a question, then ask us to find our apparatus ourselves...we seem like a swarm of bees buzzing in the lab...searching for the 'hidden tools'....so funny and happy. She loves boys more than girls....n likes to say :' lelaki beratur depan, perempuan pergi belakang!!' or 'lelaki duduk di depan, perempuan duduk di belakang!!'
so...so...so unfair.....but still happy insteads....haha...

i got no choice to choose....i have to fulfill dad's dreams before mine.....so, although how unwilling i am and i need to stay alone there without any accompaniments by my cousins, i still need to go.....coz i have no choice......