The second piece....

It's quite a bad day for me.
these 2 sheets of tissues has reminded me about the old days backhome,
when i am so down after getting my result,
i will only go to you and cry like a baby,
and you'll prepared a piece of tissue paper for me,
only the second piece of the whole packet i would use,
and only you know....

Hmm...was down today yet you're jz too far for me to cry to...
again, i hide the sadness,frustration,
coz i don't know who to cry to,
indeed, i don't have one....

i remembered everytime after i cried,
you will definitely go through my mistakes with me,
then start to remind me what i did wrongly,
and which part is my big weaknesses,
then ask me to be careful for next time...

Now, i don't even know what i did wrongly,
what i suppose to focus on,
what i should do more to improve,
what to do?? i don't understand!!!

sighhh....i found it so hard to be really crawl out from my comfort zone,
no more guardian angel,
no more free tutor,
no more soulmate,
no more second piece of tissue paper,
no more.....

too emo??
i don't think so...
jz when you really don't know what to do, how to do, you will explode.
jz when you don't have someone who can understand you and willing to listen to you,
you will definitely boom!!!

the old one.....

It numbs more than 10 times a day....

can't even stand up when the numbs attacking......

sighhhh....what to do??

eat more calcium?? exercise?? don't sit too long??

well,

i've been there a thousand times,

feel the numbs like a thousand knives,
it's hurt, i know it's hurts.

bear it through!!!

Hold on...hold on....

There is none like You...

After a long and tough week,
I was entirely exhausted inside out,
I realized that
when you want to hold tight on something that you love so badly,
when you are trying so hard to get over the pain and the past,
when you are doing your very best to stop killing your heart,
when you are expecting maybe,just maybe the past could be retrieved,
when you are still hoping he still will care and think about,
when you are doing what you can to avoid yourself to see,think,care,
when you are so afraid of losing everything that you have,
when you are searching maybe there's someone who can understand you,
when you are hiding your sorrow but hanging a fake smile to face the world,

you will so tired, exhausted, wear out,
physically, emotionally, spiritually,
and the HEART.

After i had read cheng yee's blog bout 'pain' that he is having,
everyone do have the pain-- something you don't want to reveal,
He used 9 years, 9!!! to forget, to let go, to put down,
i asked myself ''how long you have to take then??''
People can take jz within a month to find a new one,
to have a new life, to get over it, to start again.
Then, why can't you jz do the same?? WHY CAN'T YOU??
WHY IT'S STILL ACHING??? STILL BE HAUNTED EVERY DAY AND NIGHT??

Nothing i can actually do to stop killing my heart,
so i surrender all to Him,
today, when i reach out my hand during worship,
i feel that i touch His hands,
the pair of hands which i am searching and longing for so long,
i can feel he is holding me tightly,
he speaks to me,
''stop searching, stop killing yourself with the past, the pain,
pass it all to me, i will take the wheel.''

suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart as You do....

我也想好不好？！

憔悴的样子，
眼睛下方有着厚厚的眼袋，
脸上带着几百种虚伪的笑容，
但还是想好好地为梦想打拼。


流水般的眼泪，
带有酸，甜，苦，辣的味道，
拼了命地在他们面前强忍着，
一滴都不敢从眼眶里流出来，
但每次到了对话的最后，
声音开始变得如此低沉，
挂断后，眼泪夺眶而出,
但还是想忍一忍，因这是成长之路。

打不完的竞争，
每个人尽全力跑在最前端，
而我呢？我也在跑啊！
但就是必须跑比人家多倍，
才能赶上那几千人的脚步，
好累，好压力，跑得有点喘不过气，
但你知道吗？
我还是想和你们跑在同线，不再踏你们的影子。

明天，最后一天准备，
那一个小时的仗，
二十八仙的总分，
我们好像用了生命所用的一切作交换，
我还是会读了，又忘，又读，
也许频频失败，失望，
但我还是想带着钢灰，冲过去，闯过去好不好！！！

i am still wish to, still......

你在哪里？？

This is one of my attempt on joel's DSLR....
It shows in the midst of the darkness....
there is always a beam of light,
which is Hope. =))


这几天，眼泪在眼睛里打滚，
好累，好累，真的好累，
对自己有说不出来的失望，
对未来有画不出来的害怕，
对身边的人有说不出来的恐惧，
对妈妈有哭不出来的烦恼，
对上帝有说不出来的问题，

我从过去解脱了，
因为如果分离是唯一的解脱，最后的话我来说，
因为如果永远你不必再难过，遗憾让我来过，
因为就算过去的回忆太脆弱，连未来也没有我，
我还是希望你过得比我更好，比我更快乐。。

现在，
你在哪里，我的上帝，你在哪里？？
我拼命地找你的踪影，
拼命地跟紧你的背影，
拼命地撇开一切幻想，
拼命地告诉自己‘只有一次，请你活着！’
拼命地把泪水往内挤，
拼命地等待那道光的出现。。。


finally, i decided to find You once again, decided not to wait but reach out to You, decided to have the 4 days jz for You......

Thanks You for letting her (dorothy) always there......

friendship....

What's friendship means?
what's ''friend'' means to you??
who's your friend??
Isn't it means u spend more time with them, then he/she is ur friend??
Isn't it means u are afford to play or communicate with them, then he/she is ur friend??
Isn't friends more than jz all those??
那些玩不起的就不算是朋友吗？？ 我玩不起！真的.........

I am kind of insecure about who's my true friends, who's the one who will love and care about you when you are in such a deep worries n troubles, who's the one who will not judge your weaknesses, who's the one who will always hold your hands tight and stand by you, who's the one who will carry half the burdens of you are taking?? tell me who is this person?? WHO?? the person who i can give my trust fully to...the person i can cry to...the person who can accept the real n whole jane....the person i can take down my mask n jz be myself??

Yea....i had to admit that i am not that well-spoken in english...but i did try my very best to learn, try and apply. I felt so guilty whenever i go out for a whole day....there's so much so much more to catch up. I am not such smart students...all i can depends on is my hardwork...how hard i work for it?? how much efforts i put into it?? honestly, i can't make a balance btwn studies and have fun ( somethings i really need to learn....sighhhh)

Sometimes, i did feel so disappointed to myself. Why i jz can't reject those temptations?? why i jz can't sit n focus n study??why emotions always outweigh rational thoughts and actions?? why i jz can't put what i said to actions?? WHY?? feel like so broken...jz so broken into pieces....i shouldn't be too considerate on emotions, shouldn't be too procastinating, shouldn't be so hypocrite.....sighhh....

God, where are you?? pls mend me with your potter's hand again.....give me strength to walk through this....pls give me someone i can put my trust in....or give me trust in someone.....i find it so hard so hard to pour out myself to others...i jz hide everything inside...almost everything....all i know is jz smile but i am not happy....God pls heal me....drag me up...make me over again =(((

You know what......

Do you ever know??
sometimes smile can conquer all.....
smile can cover all those things that
you don't really want to hear about or
see or jz stay at some places....


Do you ever know??
sometimes i wish i could be invisible and teleport....
as if either i can be transparent in some situations...
or fly off to somewhere which can make me feel better...

Do you ever know??
encountering a situation
which may make you doesn't alright
by face to face..sometimes either can drag away your emotion & feelings
or you will accustom to it slowly as days gone..

You know what....

suddenly, i scared of myself...

the ''me'' who is without emotions and feelings...

the ''me'' who ppl say that i am selfish...

the ''me'' who will only force myself to see what i don't want to see...

the ''me'' who is not me anymore =(((

will the battle be over?? i asked myself......

ready for You....

I am ready for you,

take my heart and make me new now,

I am ready for you,

to come and fill my soul....

Lord, come and take my life, make my soul refreshed in truth now....

jen send me a message today with verse (phil 3:13-14)

we ARE God's children, God's people. God's. so whatever we feel, however we react to a situation, CANNOT be how normal human beings would. cause God's in us right? ( it was a good question to think about and reflects myself in the ways i handle my kinda stupid n complicated emotions and situations)

Am i too selfish ?? Am i thinking for myself too much n hurts others?? i love them...even choose gifts for everyone of them but i jz don't know how to express myself sometimes. Am i too ridiculous in the ways i think?? Am i too immature?? or Am i too overprotected myself till i lose my real self ?? I don't know....i really don't.....

Lord, sometimes i don't really know how to pour out my heart to ppl, i don't really know how to trust on ppl, i don't really know how to become my real self in front of ppl instead to be a hypocrite. I felt so broken...someone who had being broken into pieces, yet still trying her very best to mend it...But she always knows You are the only one who can paste all broken pieces together as if it never ever break before....Pls let me put all trust in You and ready for you to take my life n make it new...Amen.

past tense?? past perfect tense??

Today, me and jensen sit at astaka and had a good chat. I pour out something in my heart which i had bear for days to him. I don't know who to talk to or who are willing to listen to me or jz give me a hug n let me cry on his/her shoudler. After pouring out all, Jensen said ''It has already became past tense...no!! It was past perfect tense!!!'' He told me '' i know...i know how you feel, i know and see everything actually. I know they are good, sit together in tuition, meet each other for lunch n break and lots...i know but i don't want to tell you...coz i know you will cry...your tears will fall...i know how weak actually you are!!! Girl, it has already became past tense..no!!! It was past perfect tense!!! Go n pursue your dream!!! Keep your lies if you think you both will be better!!! Be arrogance as me!!! no need to smile to everyone if you don't feel like!!! That'll be tiring Girl!!! Keep your smile to ppl that will treasure n cherish!! You are beautiful Girl, someone i trust n trust me, someone who are kind enough yet fragile, someone who always persist to finish all, someone who is strong inside out but needs support . Be good to yourself girl pls as you deserve more!!!''

After hearing all this, my mind keep on flashing out ''he n she is good!!is good!! what should i do??'' So, tears fall as usual. Daddy comes to me, hand in me a book which is named ''BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!!'' Daddy didn't ask more. He jz hug me n said '' if it's painful enough, shout it out. If it's sad enough, cry it out. If it's a past, let it out. '' I jz cried like a baby..non-stop!!! My face was so painful everytime i smile or talk. It had been so hard for me to take bath with face like that. I had lost my appetite for days..not consume any food but jz drink. It had been felt so uncertain to my result, visa, course approval stuffs, first aid course, eng diagnostic test and the journey i am going to walk on. I had been so reckless n broken when i told him that there got guys treat me good as it is jz a lie. I didn't really open up to ppl, didn't really put trust on ppl or didn't really have the hope in ppl. Coz i fear!! fear about the ignorance....fear bout the lost.....jz so fear!!! But, who knows as i never said....never ever complain....never ever tell ppl bout how i feel...never ever cry in front of ppl...never ever. I jz remain silence...silence all the times...

Then, here comes God when i open my devotional book ''word for today''. Title today is '' The battle is over!!'' The verse is ''....tell...[your children]....the mighty things i have done...'' Exodus (10:2). It's not enough to escape your past. Rather, its power over you must be broken, otherwise it'll chase you the rest of your life. When you break away from something that keeps trying to recapture you, it's crucial to get victory over it--otherwise you can't move forward and enjoy the blessing God has in mind for you. It's jarring to think something's over only to find it isn't. But remember, God wants you to see that when you put trust in Him, obstacles and opposition mean nothing. He wants this experience to be a ''landmark memory'' you draw faith from when you face your next problem. It may have been the story of your past, but it'd no longer the truth about your future.

Lastly, God can solve your problems in different ways, but sometimes He takes you through the Red Sea so that when you get to the other side you can look back n see Pharaoh and his armies ''dead on the seashore'' (exodus 14:30) AND KNOW THE BATTLE IS OVER!!! IT'S ALL OVER!!

when you find you.......

You say you gotta go and find yourself

You say that you're becoming someone else

Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away

I know there's really nothing left to say

Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free

And when you've seen what you need to see

When you find you...come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere

Picture you with the wind in your hair

I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.

chorus:

Oh, and I'll let you go, I'll set you free

And when you've seen what you need to see

When you find you...come back to meAnd I hope you find everything that you need

I'll be right here, waiting to see

You find you...come back to me

And I can't get close if you're not there

I can't get inside if there's no soul there

I can't fix you, I can't save you

It's something you'll have to do.

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free

And when you've seen what you need to see

When you find you...come back to me

Come back to me............

..............................................................................................................................................

Hmm, tears fall like rains, never stop. I had in this impossible dream for months. I had pretended so much in front of him. I had told so many lies to him. I had told myself ''it'll be okay, you will be okay, i will be okay too.'' I had tried my best not to interfere in anything of you. I had tried my very best to give all encouragements when you are depressed. I had tried many times to let you go n set you free n set myself free as well. I always rather not to expect, rather not to think too much, rather not to ask, rather not to say a single words...but tears cover all...show all...

Girl, ENOUGH OF DREAMING!!! stand up...wake up from the reality n impossible dream...you have something to do with your life...Go to pursue your dream!!! Go to make your daddy smile for what you did!!! Go to make God smile n proud of you...serve him in whatever you can!!! Go to love ppl as much as you can. Go to do something productive rather than thinking or expecting too much of the impossibilities....GO GO GO!!!

(girl, you know you are blessed so much by everyone...ppl love you!!! your smile mean everything to ppl!!! SO SMILE =D )

Maaa....i am so worried about my result.....AHHHHHHH!!! =(((

MAKE ME OVER......

After a hard day of a tough week, i was so tired....was really really tired of keep myself living in the past. I wondered why i can't get rid of the past and move on to the future. I was jealous about everything esp when they are having fun or they care about each other and i am miles away from them. Sighhhh....to get out from the past, let the bygones be bygones, i did have to make some changes. (sorry about hiding some of my friends in fb) coz i really can't concentrate but thinking of the past, daydreaming about the past every single night. So yay, starting from today, i am trying to hide as many as i need in order to make myself get out of the past which will never ever return to me or can't ve regained. N starting from today, i want myself to stop those jealousy n envious of what kluang peeps doing or having. The love n care they had among themselves had already forsaken me long time ago, no use for me to waiting n waiting till losing myself for jz to squeeze into a little corner of their minds...( sorry if i offended anyone....) i jz felt like there are problems with myself and jz not alright in some aspects....so sorry bout those offences...

It is jz a major problem which i am facing for months. So, gonna to let it go...n pls go away....i don't want to expect anymore till make myself suffer n lose hope....so yay...gonna to come out of my comfort zone this time!!!! as this year gonna to be a promising year i believe =)) there are lots of dunners' peeps around me...SO NO FEAR AH GIRL!!!!

AH HA!! 3 MORE...3 MORE...i will try my very best to finish it =)))

and still i wanna to give thanks to my dear news reporter who always updates me (jensen), the one who always first to give me everything and listen to me patiently n fills my mailbox with lots of encouraging messages (mr ea guosheng), someone who wanna go mountain climbing n have roti canai, 3 layers tea, fishball mee and chit-chattings with ( Bro JJ), my advisor n very good friend (liwen), my faithful driver who always drives me crazy everywhere when i go back, let's race with your mini babe!!! ( vincent che), my blur-ish buddy n sis in christ (sweetie josie) and lotss...heapss...loadsss ppl =)))

Terima kasih banyak-banyak...

I will be missing you guys......

AH HA...i love the last lines of this song which has been sung with low tune n voice...feel kinda sexy n cheesy....HAHAHA )

pull me in, take me out, make me over!!!

like a porcupine

after the last smile,
after they left,
my tears fall,
they jz keep on falling without brake,
i felt like crumble in these days,
physically n mentally totally broke down....
n i had a research essay to pass up on the 5th..
but, i had never started yet..
helpless....jz so faze n fearful...
i wonder how am i gonna to submit it....sigh..

flatting by myself,
isn't that easy,
i don't know how to open n use the electric stove,
i used two days to clean the whole house,
from sweeping, vacuuming, wiping the kitchen, washing plates n cups,washing the toilet, cleaning my room, arranging my stuffs, fixing the bookshelf (it's really tough), buying groceries from supermarket, washing all the bedlinens n clothes n etc...
i was crumbled after those cleaning tasks....
ohhh...mummy!!! where r u??
i cried to myself n only myself...
i lied to mum n dad ''i'm okay although all by myself''...
i smiled in front of peers, cousins n family...
i never ever dare to ask for help (unless i really can't do it)
i never ever complaint or grumble to others...
i jz hiding all my internal fears n matters precisely n carefully....
coz i don't know who are going to listen to me??
who can i tell?? or who care??
Only HIM, The big papa up there...
n this faithful blog...

2009,
i had been tried so hard to step into ppl life....
i had been learnt so hard to practice their cultures n languages (i don't good at eng)
n the ways they speak n chat n of course their interests..
i had been in masked face for so long time..
i had been expecting too much from ppl n lastly came to only disappointments...
i had been done my best to greet my good friends in my hometown but no one will greet me instead, not even a simple ''how are u?''.....
i had been learnt to be independent n mature in whatever i do...
i had been trying my best to please everyone..n to hang out..

Yet,
who's willing to step into my life??
who's willing to understand the real me??
who's willing to jz ''say hello'' to me from hometown n not forsake me??
who's willing to support me n hear from me??
who's willing to make me grow in everything??

I don't know...i really don't...
i don't have the security i used to have....
i don't have the trust to ppl who may be hurted me one day...
i don't have the faith in whatever i do although i really want to do it well...
i don't have the hope in almost everything....

I am like a porcupine...
full of sharp thorns...
to protect, to fight, to cover up...
only left a little bit pride...
after casting off the gorgeous look...
loneliness n helplessness, aren't they pathetic??
i don't know...

I am like a porcupine...
protect myself by losing trust on ppl..
acts as a hypocrite..
masked with courage...
not easily look through by ppl...
i thought i am strong n is stronger than i think....
yet, i am not...

The firmness of a porcupine is only an illusion or gloss.....so do i..

我承认我没那么坚强，不过是一而再地逞强，小心把情绪收藏，刺猬的坚强全都是假象....哭吧...

nearer, fear clearer....

I am so emo nowadays....i wonder why....ahem??
There is no peace in my heart ( like wave, up n down)
yea, i felt guilty and dissappointed with myself...
I am simply jz a rotten apple....
why?? why nigel, you still work so hard to teach us...
even your last lec in 2009...you never ever give up...
never ever give up on me....
yet, i kinda give up myself...i am lacking of faith n hopes....
U jz did so many things to make us to gear up...
from the normal lec notes to the supersize organic chem notes,
everyday u remind, test and encourage us...
to memorize, to learn those complicated names...
However, we all make u down everyday...such a disappoinment...
Thanks for every effort u give...

i was so touched today,
by my chem tutor, nigel,
he did so much for us....
yet, we never ever appreciate...
i am jz a rotten apple yet u never give up....
why i still can't stand up?? WHY??

L said ''don't ever look down urself!!!''
jz a experience...learnt it as a lesson..
flunked in papers is nothing to ashamed of...
grl, don't over protect urself n make urself bitter...
never ever tasted sweet albeit ur smile does..
believe ppl who care u although u had being dropped several times,
Stand up n continue the race!!!
Sometimes it bring pains, worries, hardships,disappointments,
Yet, you are growing owing to those.....
you are becoming a godly grl with strong faith...
leave all the burdens n worries to Him...
You know His promise never fails..

Yea, jz bear with me,
i am kinda emo nowadays,
2009 is gonna end n..
2010 is coming so soon...
grl, u gonna stand up, don't lose FAITH!!!
STAY STRONG FOR THE YEAR UPON US...
U HAVE TO BE STRONG TO FINISH IT!!!
I'll be there for you....Don't worry!!! =))

p/s CHEER UP!!! HANG ON!! U will be alright okay =))))

irealizedthatiamsolousy!!!

More than a nice melody,
More than the sweetest of word's,
This is love i have found,
and with this love i am found.

I just want you jesus, i just want you my lord,
I just want you jeses, i just want you.

Never could i comprehend,
The love you so freely give,
Never could i be with you,
But you love covers all of my sin.

I just want you jesus,
I just want you my lord,
I just want you jesus i just want you.

There is no greater love than your's,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like your's god.

There is no greater love than your's,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like your's.

I just want you jesus,
I just want you my lord,
I just want you jesus,
I just want you,
Jesus!!!
(album: deeper, planetshakers)


Listening to this song almost 30 times today in lib albeit i failed to download it.....sigh=(((
In this solitude with only God n me in a quiet corner of lib today, i realized...........

p/s i am so weak so weak today. Body is weak, Soul is weak and mind is even weaker....jz not alright today!!! Felt there is something lost...i did terribly in something....Sorry Lord, i failed to glorify Your Name nowadays no matter in what i say n do....i felt so sorry....Heart is full of guiltiness and fear. I felt guilty....can't able to do somethings which can make daddy mummy proud of but did somethings which probably will make them disappointed with me!!!

AHHHHHH.........tears dropping so naturally without any strong holding back...........
can i have ''Less me More You'' in my life??
I just want You, Jesus!!!

You can do it !!! i can't is the fact !!!

The whole world expect that '' You can do it!!!'' ,
yet , NOBODY know or realize that i can't!!! I CAN'T!!!
see....i can't....can't even practice......only tears......
God, why i so scare?? why i so weak??
why i can't do it?? where are You now??
seeking for the peace in heart but i totally failed...
no supports....no encouragements....no motivations....
Nobody cares!!!! As they always know and think that '' YOU CAN!!!''
BUT WHO is the one who knows act I CAN'T ???

dunno why....tears jz moving around in my eyes....loneliness n fear covered my heart entirely....
WHO will be the ONE who will build me up and won't tear me down???

God, i need you so much now!!! carry me through this pls as no one else will do....

who can define expectations??

hmmm....only blog again....my loyal friend....

who can define expectations??
why expectations always lead to failures??
why you know that will be a failure and you still hold tight on ur expectations??
what do you expect me to be??
why my heart so fragile??
why ignorance is a bliss sometimes??
why ppl will walk away from you whenever they wish to??
why my innocence always believe though i know you will leave??
why can't be simple??
why want to build me up then tear me down??

i can't understand....isn't me believe ppl too easily?? yes i guess.....so there are always disappointments and hurts...

learn to be mature...to be real....to be independent.....is jz too difficult!!!

swallow...

blog ah blog....
i know you are the only one willing to hear my grumbling!!!
n now u are the on who are free to hear....

i don't know why my tears jz keep on falling....it's jz like waterfall...non-stopping...
sigh....seminar presentation is coming so soon....i didn't really prepare well....n i have no confidence at all...or it can be said that i don't have any mood to either study or prepare it well....jz randomly let the time flies and i even hope the time passes faster n faster each day...

me...escaping?? avoiding?? scare of?? fear of?? masked myself?? poker face?? too emo n drama?? i can't even really figure out my feelings or mood now!!! It can be described with jz a word ''NUMB''.....
i jz unable to feel anything.....jz numb towards everyday life....how come i become like this??
my life was already so dramatic.....why it couldn't be simple a lil bit?? as simple always goes good!!

hmmm......challenges, expectations, fear, and discourage bring me down!!! yea....undeniably, i am someone who loves to grumble and GRUMBLE!!! But, it's so hard to have someone who i can really grumble with except God!!! He is the healer of everything....n He will walk me through fire...

Well, i don't know why i jz swallow everything that i wanna to speak out.....can't really be honest to ppl n myself...so can't be happy....so there comes a Poker Face!!!

A shoutout : ''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......I AM SO TIRED!!! God, give me a way to follow
you, give me miracles, give me courage, give me expectations that will never fails,
shoo away my tears, shoo away disappointments, shoo away everything that's not
belong to me!!! God, if is not belong to me, jz pls don't show me.......God, thank you
everything....and sorry....''

i'm not alright!! jz broken inside.......broken inside.........

累了的心。。。

我的心累了，真的好累了，
充满爱的心突然失去了跳动，
眼神失去了爱的光芒和火花，
行动也失去了活泼的灵魂，

我的心累了，真的累得停了，
付出的永远都没结果，
只会付出的我尽了全力，
但又有谁会爱惜与珍惜？？

我的心累了，爱得好累了，
你似乎不明白，似乎不知道，
我在你面前笑，但你不懂，
在你转身离开后，
我的眼泪不知觉得掉了。

我不是你想像得那么勇敢，
我也需要爱和鼓励与关怀，
我害怕听到你和她的一切，
我的心没有办法承担，
我爱得还累，心好累，
真的好累。。。。

(Finally, i realized how different we are, how different the world we are in n how hard to get through those differences......yea, i am tired, so do my heart, somebody love me pls come to me to awake me from everything, to heal me from the tiredness, to push me up, to slap me if you want to pls hold my hand to walk through....)

i listened to ''Healer'' by hillsongs for many times.....tears fall....but i still trust in You as You walk me through the fire!!!

fb.....

yea.........i am not so dare to express myself in fb nowadays....coz many people seem to worry me so much!!! i appreciate so much!!!! yet, i still a space to express myself...to speak out all my thoughts, feelings and musing....speak honestly, i really don't want to go back this time....really!!! coz i dont want to face.....i want to escape.....from the advices from many people....i fear sit down to listen to the advices and decisions.....i fear to be nagged.....i fear to see the things i dont want to see......i fear to know the things i dont want to know......i fear.......tears dropping......

trained to be so strong.....so brave....not even fear of loneliness.........
but why i still will disappointed bout what he/she do??
why i still demand for something i cant be able to get??
why i will cant let it go???

door closed

once the door closed...though how willing you want to get into it.....you can't!!
once the door closed...though how hard you strive to get into it.....you can't!!
once the door closed...though how much you expect to get into it...you can't!!
once the door closed...though how sincere you want to get onto it...you can't!!!

Not understand right??? hahaha......this my feelings now......the door is closed and i am getting tired to break or damage the door because it is impossible!!!