This love is dancing in my heart....

'' stand in the rain,
when everything is crushing down,
dance in the rain,
you wouldn't drown,
as He is dancing with you,
His love is dancing in your heart....''

We're looking on a couple who were dancing salsa yesterday when we were getting too tired to study. The ''salsa'' amazed us. He say how cool it would be if i know how to dance, n I was laughing loudly at him....haha...i couldn't really imagine if he did make it :p Okay, enough of us!!! Exam is 2 days....the overwhelming pressure, the heaps of studies, the 3-5 cups of coffee a day, the goji berries which i am binging on, the ''too comfy'' bed which is so hard for me to get up.....etc, etc...are what happening during this tough period. Yet, He keeps remind me that He is dancing with me in this storm.....

I can hear that He is whispering to me that ''keep on....keeping on my girl!!! shall we keep dancing?? ''

familiar vs unfamiliar.....

There is somewhere so familiar to me, Yet with people who are unfamiliar to me.....
There are faces which is so familiar to me, Yet i don't even know their names....
There are words which is so familiar to me, Yet they always slip away from my mind....
There are you who is so familiar to me, Yet i can't understand your heart...

Sometimes, when you reckon that you're so familiar to the things which you have been with for a very long time, yet, it doesn't really mean that you truly understand them, it doesn't mean you have seen through them, it doesn't mean they have became part of you and your life........They are just something which is just walking pass in your life for a very brief moment, or just somebody who is standing by you for just a little while......They will not be ever yours, they'll gone.......it's just the matter of early or late, still, they'll leave....

So, only only Him, will not go away from your life. Even when the whole world crumble, HE will definitely cover you with ALL He has. ALL!!!

it's the time!!!

''Time to rise above the circumstances.'', such a well said by Jimmy.
It's less than 2 weeks. But what i had done is just less than what should be expected!!!
The challenges + the crappy weather tear me up seriously!!!

Stop dreaming Jane,
Stop thinking about the unrealistic matters,
Stop procrastinating,
Stop!!!!

You gonna to rise above the circumstances!!!
be a strong daughter of Him!!!

You're my everything.

'' Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.'' (Isaiah 11:5)

He is so faithful,
faithful in every single little things,
faithful in His unfailing promises,
faithful in the ways He works.

However,
I am not,
not faithful at all,
i doubt His love,
i reckon that He's not with me,
i blamed and grumbled at Him,

if you ask me ''isn't He is your everything??'',
i might not know how to answer,
i might not say Yes,
i might hesistate before i can actually answer,

Why?? why i lose FAITH in Him??
why the track that i walk with Him becoming so tough??
why i am so doubtful of His Great Love??

I can't really feel that He is my everything,
could be said that i found it so hard for me to claim that He is actually my everything, it's just so hard for me to proclaim it.So hard!!! I could say that He is my King, my saviour, my Prince of peace, but is just so hard for me to say that He is my EVERYTHING, the everything of me and in me!!!

I know i should not doubt,
should not suspect,
should not ask why,
SHOULD NOT!!!

I really really want to be faithful to You as much as how much You're faithful to me, even though i doubt, i suspect, i fear, i insecure with Your love. I'm trying my very best, the very best to come back to the path which i used to walked with You, the very best to relook how You're working in my life with Your Great Love and the very best to sustain my Faith in You.

You're my everything,
the word 'everything' is too strong....
till hard to say yes....

broken strings...

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

sigh...should be studying!!!!
But, feels like listen to this.
n it makes me feel like the broken string.
so broken, hard to be mended,
it's broken, can't be played on.
Just so broken, impossible to make it all okay!!!

beginning and the end.

Yesterday,
he asked me '' Are you ready to finish this sem?? and looking forward to the next??''
I looked at him and say nothing....
I was in deep thought about it....
Am i ready to let it to be ended just like that??
The ''not very promising'' results,
The ''not very excellent'' english,
The ''not very sustainable'' determinations,
I should have done more,
to make it better,
to not let myself feel bad,
to not let him down,
to make them proud,
to glorify His Great Name.

I really should do more, improve more, focus more, and be determined till the very last.
I have to,
I must.

So, God, pls be with me till the very end. And I NEED YOU desperately!!!!

the run...

what are you looking at?? hope?? faith?? love??

went to gym today,

after jud went home,

i continued to run on the machine,

to find back the determination that i used to have,

to find back the speed of motion that i used to run,

to find back myself after the storm,

to find back the faith, hope and love........

this run, not an easy one,

run in my own race, not an easy one....

while walking home,

i stare at the blue sky for few minutes,

the sky smile to me,

i smile at him too :)

The second piece....

It's quite a bad day for me.
these 2 sheets of tissues has reminded me about the old days backhome,
when i am so down after getting my result,
i will only go to you and cry like a baby,
and you'll prepared a piece of tissue paper for me,
only the second piece of the whole packet i would use,
and only you know....

Hmm...was down today yet you're jz too far for me to cry to...
again, i hide the sadness,frustration,
coz i don't know who to cry to,
indeed, i don't have one....

i remembered everytime after i cried,
you will definitely go through my mistakes with me,
then start to remind me what i did wrongly,
and which part is my big weaknesses,
then ask me to be careful for next time...

Now, i don't even know what i did wrongly,
what i suppose to focus on,
what i should do more to improve,
what to do?? i don't understand!!!

sighhh....i found it so hard to be really crawl out from my comfort zone,
no more guardian angel,
no more free tutor,
no more soulmate,
no more second piece of tissue paper,
no more.....

too emo??
i don't think so...
jz when you really don't know what to do, how to do, you will explode.
jz when you don't have someone who can understand you and willing to listen to you,
you will definitely boom!!!

cold day....

fuiyo!!!!
nz suddenly becoming so cold,
weather is freezing,
wind is chilly,
and i can't feel my sense of touch,
-3degree in the early morning,
forcibly to be dragged up from bed,
shivering inside out,
3 layers of blankets can't win the day,
sighhhhhh.....
health deteriorating,
flatmates say i look pale,
he keeps asking 'are you sure you are okay??''
n i say ''YES!!! I'M!!! I AM JZ TOO COLD!!!''

OH, it tears me up,
i tried to hold on,
but it's too cold....
i can't feel anything,
not even have appetite for food. :(

There is none like You...

After a long and tough week,
I was entirely exhausted inside out,
I realized that
when you want to hold tight on something that you love so badly,
when you are trying so hard to get over the pain and the past,
when you are doing your very best to stop killing your heart,
when you are expecting maybe,just maybe the past could be retrieved,
when you are still hoping he still will care and think about,
when you are doing what you can to avoid yourself to see,think,care,
when you are so afraid of losing everything that you have,
when you are searching maybe there's someone who can understand you,
when you are hiding your sorrow but hanging a fake smile to face the world,

you will so tired, exhausted, wear out,
physically, emotionally, spiritually,
and the HEART.

After i had read cheng yee's blog bout 'pain' that he is having,
everyone do have the pain-- something you don't want to reveal,
He used 9 years, 9!!! to forget, to let go, to put down,
i asked myself ''how long you have to take then??''
People can take jz within a month to find a new one,
to have a new life, to get over it, to start again.
Then, why can't you jz do the same?? WHY CAN'T YOU??
WHY IT'S STILL ACHING??? STILL BE HAUNTED EVERY DAY AND NIGHT??

Nothing i can actually do to stop killing my heart,
so i surrender all to Him,
today, when i reach out my hand during worship,
i feel that i touch His hands,
the pair of hands which i am searching and longing for so long,
i can feel he is holding me tightly,
he speaks to me,
''stop searching, stop killing yourself with the past, the pain,
pass it all to me, i will take the wheel.''

suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart as You do....

No, you wouldn't...

Would you??
No, you wouldn't,
you had left silently,
i'm glad that you had left,
so,would you pls leave the core which is still aching as well??
as you would never ever be there....

It's Your L.O.V.E......

This song sing my heart out...
Today, early in the morning, i have lifegroup bible study,we learn about whole chapter of Ephesian 3, it's really awesome. Because i found out that the whole chapter speaks to me.

I have to admit that I am that kind of shy and discouraged person. It could be said that ''i'm not that friendly and approacable to everyone.''. But, i'm really really trying my very best to say ''hi'' to everybody that i bump to no matter where and who. Yet, i feel that i always do insufficiently...It's jz not enough. And the result of my 'hard-to-approach'' to people, i have less friends...less trusted friends who i can really speak to, who i can pour my heart to, who i can study with and who i can grumble to. So, i'm becoming more quiet now...well,isn't people call maybe you're getting more mature so less in talking but choose to listen more instead?? Hmmm....i don't think so...i jz reckon that i'm not alright...How could a person who likes to talk and share, as time flies, she is becoming more and more introvert and quiet?? Well...i wonder who am i now...hmmm..a very good question to think about...

Well, about love, not about the ''BGR'' one, what i actually mean is about the love for people around me. Hmmm, i seem to be selfish nowadays or i jz don't know how to open my mouth and invite or offer. I used to love people so much. But, now, i found it's so hard for me to open my mouth to offer, like ask people want to taste the food that i order. Hmm...i wonder why...maybe i scare..i fear..that i maybe burst out with something wrong through my mouth. This is what people call lack of confidence and faith?? I suppose....i dislike myself being like this..it's jz something i can't accept and allow myself to have..THE SELFISHNESS!!! =((

I'm someone who is torn but still alive because of His Love.
I'm someone who is so unworthy to receive His Love everyday but He tells me that ''You're worthy, my girl.''.
I'm someone who is not pretty enough but He whispers to me that'' You're beautiful in my eyes''.
I'm someone who is so selfish, someone who don't know how to love, but He says '' You're willing to learn, you have the heart for it, you're not selfish, you're jz don't know where to start to love, jz sometimes find it hard to express your love to others. But, in my eyes, You're lovely.''

Lord, if i ever not know and believe you, i wouldn't have the faith to believe myself. If You not ever love me, i wouldn't grasp how wide, how deep, how immeasurable, how indescridable...How GREAT is Your LOVE!!!

'In Him through faith in him we way approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.'' ephesian 3:12-13

It's Your Love...I'm worthy...I'm beautiful...I'm who you specially made...I'm unashamed..

Because of Your Love...I'm trusting...I'm learning...I'm crawling out from my fear...i'm doing my best for You...

In You, i have FAITH.

voice of truth....

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

once again, To climb out of this boat i'm in onto the crashing waves, To step out of my comfort zone into the realm of the unknown, the kind of faith it takes, i surrender ALL to You.......

我也想好不好？！

憔悴的样子，
眼睛下方有着厚厚的眼袋，
脸上带着几百种虚伪的笑容，
但还是想好好地为梦想打拼。


流水般的眼泪，
带有酸，甜，苦，辣的味道，
拼了命地在他们面前强忍着，
一滴都不敢从眼眶里流出来，
但每次到了对话的最后，
声音开始变得如此低沉，
挂断后，眼泪夺眶而出,
但还是想忍一忍，因这是成长之路。

打不完的竞争，
每个人尽全力跑在最前端，
而我呢？我也在跑啊！
但就是必须跑比人家多倍，
才能赶上那几千人的脚步，
好累，好压力，跑得有点喘不过气，
但你知道吗？
我还是想和你们跑在同线，不再踏你们的影子。

明天，最后一天准备，
那一个小时的仗，
二十八仙的总分，
我们好像用了生命所用的一切作交换，
我还是会读了，又忘，又读，
也许频频失败，失望，
但我还是想带着钢灰，冲过去，闯过去好不好！！！

i am still wish to, still......

So Don't Care!!!

somethings matter, somethings don't,
once you had done your very best,
it's enough.....all is well.....

it applies on how you treat ppl too,
once you treat them the best you can,
it's enough.....all is well.....

sometimes you do care,
but some didn't even want to give a glance on you,
some didn't even ask how had you been,
some didn't even remember who you are,
But, ask yourself, don't you give enough love and cares?
don't you always remember ??
once you give in sufficiently,
it's enough.....all is well....

seek for your priority,
somethings we have to pay full price,
there will never be on sale,
no shortcuts for such achievements,
only endurance is the price tag for victories...
so once you give in all you can,
and leave the result to God,
it's enough....all is well...

So, to conclude, Don't Care too much about the uncertainities!!!
As He has a plan for anything, everything,
all is well :)

needles. numbs.

( isn't painful enough?? i bet so..............)

now, my brain is jz stucked....

ohhh....celsss.....how can i absorb you guys??

i wonder '' how much more can i take??''

fear jz like needles...pokes and covers my whole heart...

till it numbs........

as my feet...it can numbs more than 10 times a day...

i can feel there are millions of needles poking on my feet....

soon it lost its feeling.....become spongy....soft...

then i need to put it straight to recover....

hmmm....annoying huh??

well....Abba Father....please please and please...give me sharp wisdom n mind...let me focus well...n let what i had memorized stay in my mind....

(quiet time today: if you wonder ''how much more can i take??'' Bishop JC Ryle: ''The only we may be assured of, that if tomorrow brings a cross, He who sends it can and will send the grace to bear it.'' In God's kingdom it works like this : Faith tested, character refined, abundance given.)

So, believe it or not?? i'm learning........

海阔天空

到了世界盡頭　開始習慣了風
捧著厚厚的寂寞　平靜向前走　不當做那是折磨
到了世界盡頭　開始學會快樂

＊不同方向的遼闊　是你最後溫柔　一直到現在我才懂
　海闊天空　在我心中　濕透了眼就不再迷惑
　望著你給的黑夜　當淚劃過　才能　對自己寬容
　海闊天空　我頂著風　當霧散開就真的自由
　獨自尋遍這地球　找新的出口　謝謝　你讓我愛過

repeat ＊

就算捨不得　也不能回頭
海闊天空　我頂著風　當霧散開就真的自由
獨自尋遍這地球　找新的出口　謝謝你讓我　愛過

indeed, tiredness conquer me,
every part of myself jz crumble,
the uncertainities, anxieties,fears,
add ons the loady workloads, revisions,
housechores, cooking, daily problems,
jz push me down...so tired....
life without papa n mama...
is so horrible n terrible...
lost house's key, internet banking breakdown,
shop for groceries n daily necessities,
prepare lunches, wash clothes, pay bills....
how much i wish my papa n mama are here..
who will jz do everything for me...
what i need to do is jz study..
no worrries bout how life gonna be tmrw n the days ahead...
well, i wish go back to the old days so badly...
i wish there'll always be someone who share my burdens...
i wish i can always be a child...forever ever...

haha...i know what i think of is jz so impossible to come true...
what to do le??
jz move forward lo...what can you do more missy?? you tell me la!!!
cry?? that's useless!!!
smile?? that's a fake one!!!
worries?? that's a killing factor!!!
fear?? that's a murder weapon!!!

well, believe and trust in Him?? unashamed on where you're standing?? pray??
Yea, these are the ways to motivate me to carry on and on....
it's always a journey...
God never fail you...
He'll never ever gonna to fail you!!! remember pls =))

我不懂

她，
比我勇敢，
比我开朗，
比我大胆，
比我更在乎，
比我更了解，
比我更适合，
知道你喜欢什么，
讨厌什么，
总是知道你的车有什么，播什么歌，
总是会在乎自己的头发又没有乱，
总是会在乎你的胡须又没有剃好，

你，
对她不一样，
对她特别关心，
有她的地方，你很快乐，
有她在，你总是很开心，
去喜欢她喜欢的一切，
有和她一样喜欢的歌，
总是会看她多两眼，
总是只听她的话，

这就是大家所谓的爱吗？
那么有没有那么一个人会去喜欢我喜欢的一切？
有没有一个人会去认为我的不完美都是完美的？
有没有那么一个人可以让我撒娇，让我了解？
有没有那么一个他可以让我依赖，连我安静时都知道我在想什么？

我想念他，一个不是男朋友的好朋友，一个包容接受我所有一切的那个他。

你在哪里？？

This is one of my attempt on joel's DSLR....
It shows in the midst of the darkness....
there is always a beam of light,
which is Hope. =))


这几天，眼泪在眼睛里打滚，
好累，好累，真的好累，
对自己有说不出来的失望，
对未来有画不出来的害怕，
对身边的人有说不出来的恐惧，
对妈妈有哭不出来的烦恼，
对上帝有说不出来的问题，

我从过去解脱了，
因为如果分离是唯一的解脱，最后的话我来说，
因为如果永远你不必再难过，遗憾让我来过，
因为就算过去的回忆太脆弱，连未来也没有我，
我还是希望你过得比我更好，比我更快乐。。

现在，
你在哪里，我的上帝，你在哪里？？
我拼命地找你的踪影，
拼命地跟紧你的背影，
拼命地撇开一切幻想，
拼命地告诉自己‘只有一次，请你活着！’
拼命地把泪水往内挤，
拼命地等待那道光的出现。。。


finally, i decided to find You once again, decided not to wait but reach out to You, decided to have the 4 days jz for You......

Thanks You for letting her (dorothy) always there......

Yes!!! i do a prayer as this today, Prayer of trust.
not only put trust on God, but, i need to give trust to people who i can believe to.
I am learning i promise......
although sometimes i will wonder ''where are you now God?? '' ....
sometimes i will fear of people around me...jz so insecure...
sometimes i am lost in this path of life...
sometimes the uncertainities haunted me....
sometimes i feel that i am so broken....

我好想脱下面具，做最真实的自己。