Mr sunshine...

Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so attractive,
you're so beautiful,
but why i don't see you??

Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so in need,
you're being loved,
but why you still in apathy??

Oh my Mr Sunshine,
without you, i hibernate,
without you, i binge on food,
without you, i am in cold,
So, don't you know how much how badly i am missing you??

Heaps like mountains....

''Ability may take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.'' - John Wooden.

hmm, my low ability in academic really really drag my faith and confidence down.
There are jz so much need to be done everyday,
so much need to be squeezed and stored into brain,
They took away my sleep, my courage....
Yet, it doesn't really give you an assurance that,
''WOW, I did well!!! ''
It doesn't for now...
maybe it didn't really been done well,
maybe i didn't really put enough efforts.
heaps of maybe-s marching in my mind.
heaps of fears covering my whole heart.
It's jz heaps and heaps....
Heaps to be done...be swallowed..
heaps to be sacrificed...be paid off..
Then heaps of good news will come.....

海阔天空

到了世界盡頭　開始習慣了風
捧著厚厚的寂寞　平靜向前走　不當做那是折磨
到了世界盡頭　開始學會快樂

＊不同方向的遼闊　是你最後溫柔　一直到現在我才懂
　海闊天空　在我心中　濕透了眼就不再迷惑
　望著你給的黑夜　當淚劃過　才能　對自己寬容
　海闊天空　我頂著風　當霧散開就真的自由
　獨自尋遍這地球　找新的出口　謝謝　你讓我愛過

repeat ＊

就算捨不得　也不能回頭
海闊天空　我頂著風　當霧散開就真的自由
獨自尋遍這地球　找新的出口　謝謝你讓我　愛過

indeed, tiredness conquer me,
every part of myself jz crumble,
the uncertainities, anxieties,fears,
add ons the loady workloads, revisions,
housechores, cooking, daily problems,
jz push me down...so tired....
life without papa n mama...
is so horrible n terrible...
lost house's key, internet banking breakdown,
shop for groceries n daily necessities,
prepare lunches, wash clothes, pay bills....
how much i wish my papa n mama are here..
who will jz do everything for me...
what i need to do is jz study..
no worrries bout how life gonna be tmrw n the days ahead...
well, i wish go back to the old days so badly...
i wish there'll always be someone who share my burdens...
i wish i can always be a child...forever ever...

haha...i know what i think of is jz so impossible to come true...
what to do le??
jz move forward lo...what can you do more missy?? you tell me la!!!
cry?? that's useless!!!
smile?? that's a fake one!!!
worries?? that's a killing factor!!!
fear?? that's a murder weapon!!!

well, believe and trust in Him?? unashamed on where you're standing?? pray??
Yea, these are the ways to motivate me to carry on and on....
it's always a journey...
God never fail you...
He'll never ever gonna to fail you!!! remember pls =))

Timetable HSFY..

Got my timetable today after my HSFY pre-lim lecture....
It was a pretty good one as everyday starts school at 9am and end at 6pm.....
What a timetable could make you to think of how amazing God works in our lives....
everyone of us got the different timetable yet we may have some similarities in certain subjects..
Initially, i am really worried about what if they all together in a lecture yet i am the odd one as there are almost 2000 ppl in HSFY. It's really massive group of ppl, scare me at first when i am doing my eng diagno test, indeed.

However, everyone of us have different timetable as if everyone of us have different life which is well-planned by The Above One. God always creates the best plan for each of us as He knows us well. For instance, i am someone who will not really wake up at early 6 or 7am as i always sleep late although i know it's not a good habits as my biological clock upside down most of the time. So, God let me to have class at 9am and i am the only one who doesn't have classes at 8am every morning among peers . So, i really thanks Lord for that.

Well, apparently, most of my peers back home have lost contact or we have gaps or communication barriers as we are not together most of the time. No one else should be blamed in this kind of situations as it's jz a natural changes in relationship within peers who are thousands miles away from you. However, God always provide enough blessings to everyone of us. He provides friends to me as he knows sometimes we need somebody to build us up in various ways and aspects. His divine love always depicts in little little things which is happening in your life. How great is His LOVE?? immeasurable to me..... =D

Yet, we may have to go to labs or lecs by only ourselves sometimes also show that God wants us to be more independant in everything. We should not be too reliance to peers as they are not someone who will accompany you the whole life or give you an eternal life. Yet, they are always part of our lives as God knows sometimes we need them by our sides =))

Afterall , it's gonna to start as if the great WAR gonna to begin. Am i ready?? i doubted ==

Stress ?!

Hmmp!! Honestly, this is my mood for a studying week....i love weekends!!! =)) (Thumbs up!!)

p/s : Today is the second day of the week.....gahhhhhh....suffering with assignment!!!! i fear...i confused...i don't really know how to do it well =((( (heart n mentality n physical body are preparing to be blended by the sharp blender!!! )

YA!!! i am stressed by assignment n upcoming exam!!! Alamak, haven't revise yet, haven't finish done yet!!! (ALL UNDONE!!!)

p/s : soon n very very soon, i will become the creature above!!! SEE !!

I want to break something, anything, all things...........ahhhhhhh......

Que : doesn't it help?? if it does, i m gonna to bang BAng BANG million times.....

Sighhhh....i know..i know!!! stop sitting!!! STAND UP N STUDY N FINISH IT!!!

Pls do pray for me okay?? i need it!!! jz desparate for it!!! =))))

OKAY!!! i know i am lucky to be here!!! ALWAYS BARK N REMIND ME!!!

irealizedthatiamsolousy!!!

More than a nice melody,
More than the sweetest of word's,
This is love i have found,
and with this love i am found.

I just want you jesus, i just want you my lord,
I just want you jeses, i just want you.

Never could i comprehend,
The love you so freely give,
Never could i be with you,
But you love covers all of my sin.

I just want you jesus,
I just want you my lord,
I just want you jesus i just want you.

There is no greater love than your's,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like your's god.

There is no greater love than your's,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like your's.

I just want you jesus,
I just want you my lord,
I just want you jesus,
I just want you,
Jesus!!!
(album: deeper, planetshakers)


Listening to this song almost 30 times today in lib albeit i failed to download it.....sigh=(((
In this solitude with only God n me in a quiet corner of lib today, i realized...........

p/s i am so weak so weak today. Body is weak, Soul is weak and mind is even weaker....jz not alright today!!! Felt there is something lost...i did terribly in something....Sorry Lord, i failed to glorify Your Name nowadays no matter in what i say n do....i felt so sorry....Heart is full of guiltiness and fear. I felt guilty....can't able to do somethings which can make daddy mummy proud of but did somethings which probably will make them disappointed with me!!!

AHHHHHH.........tears dropping so naturally without any strong holding back...........
can i have ''Less me More You'' in my life??
I just want You, Jesus!!!

swallow...

blog ah blog....
i know you are the only one willing to hear my grumbling!!!
n now u are the on who are free to hear....

i don't know why my tears jz keep on falling....it's jz like waterfall...non-stopping...
sigh....seminar presentation is coming so soon....i didn't really prepare well....n i have no confidence at all...or it can be said that i don't have any mood to either study or prepare it well....jz randomly let the time flies and i even hope the time passes faster n faster each day...

me...escaping?? avoiding?? scare of?? fear of?? masked myself?? poker face?? too emo n drama?? i can't even really figure out my feelings or mood now!!! It can be described with jz a word ''NUMB''.....
i jz unable to feel anything.....jz numb towards everyday life....how come i become like this??
my life was already so dramatic.....why it couldn't be simple a lil bit?? as simple always goes good!!

hmmm......challenges, expectations, fear, and discourage bring me down!!! yea....undeniably, i am someone who loves to grumble and GRUMBLE!!! But, it's so hard to have someone who i can really grumble with except God!!! He is the healer of everything....n He will walk me through fire...

Well, i don't know why i jz swallow everything that i wanna to speak out.....can't really be honest to ppl n myself...so can't be happy....so there comes a Poker Face!!!

A shoutout : ''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......I AM SO TIRED!!! God, give me a way to follow
you, give me miracles, give me courage, give me expectations that will never fails,
shoo away my tears, shoo away disappointments, shoo away everything that's not
belong to me!!! God, if is not belong to me, jz pls don't show me.......God, thank you
everything....and sorry....''

i'm not alright!! jz broken inside.......broken inside.........

is jz so down....

today i am jz so down....can't even give ppl a proper smile....can't even give myself a happy face...
hmmm...after schooling, i went to my flat next year to have a look of my bed and discuss things bout flat account. Sigh...i realized that i have to stay alone and is all alone in a house for a month. How sad??How disappointed?? How am i going to live through everyday?? hmm....it's scary!!!

I felt like crying.....coz i really don't know how to live without ppl staying with me....how tough it will be?? i don't want to neither think nor imagine. It will make me feel worst though...n is so worst. Tears drop....n it's jz drop due to my fear n timidness. I realized that i need to contact the landlord myself to ask for permission to stay on Jan next year and get the key of course. n I have to call the power company to allow the electricity to run during the whole month as well as the internet. n Then, i need to do flat account with kim n learn to use internet banking n trademe to get all my stuff for flat next year. sighhhhhh.....is jz too complicated!!!

hmmm...i find it so hard to tell mummy n daddy coz they will be super worried u see...is jz too sigh...how am i going to open my mouth to tell?? how ?? it's so hard as they will be really really worried. In order not to let them worry, i can only bear through the whole month. i am wondering '' how much i have to grow within that month?? can i stand it?? or i will jz collasped?''
Can somebody tell me how am i going to live through that month?? DON'T TELL ME TO BE STRONG!!! as i know i am not!!!

'' Where are You now that i am crying again?? Where are You now that i hurting?? where are You now that i need You my friend?? Where are You now that i searching?? Why do You seemed to be so far away?? Why is it always crying?? Why am i trying to hiding?? When will it be the way that you dream?? How should i firm in the meantime?? When will my faith be above n no war?? When will i not have to hold anymore?? ''

I am broken.....hope see......failure......tell me.....answer....but i don't understand!!!
You said your mans are broken hearts too, You said your love can arrive.
I am tired of this!!!

God.....pls come to me.....i know You will carry me thourgh the fire!!!!

I am broken....

只是想。。。

谁说我不害怕?
我害怕了，真的。。。
害怕上英文，
害怕找不到资料，
害怕没准备好，
害怕我不会做，
害怕做不好，
害怕一间家只有自己，
害怕一个人时想起你，
害怕失去所以不期望，
害怕跟你说多你不理，
害怕我并没有那么坚强，
害怕自己不小心哭泣，
害怕脸上失去笑容，
害怕受伤所以不想爱，
害怕太过明感你离开，
害怕，全都害怕，

所以能多坚强就多坚强，
能多勇敢就多勇敢，
能笑多久就笑多久，

但现在的自己就只是想哭泣。。。。

'' u jz know how depressed and in distress ppl around u r, n u jz know i should be happy instead of depressed....u will comfort ppl around u who is in distress but u will never ever bother me when i am the one who is in distress...n i jz know that u will leave me or not even want to bother me when i am emo....coz u said ''being emotional will draw ppl around u away...so do you!! '' hmm....so....see....r u satisfied now with who i am?? a happy n strong girl who will never ever cry ?? do u really think that u can control ppl emotion by jz say so?? do you have the right to do so?? do you ever be considerate enough to think for ppl in her/his position?? isn't he / she want to be emotional?? or they are really frustrated with somethings?? or they jz feel discouraged due to certain reasons??

'' i am avoiding hope to protect myself against being hurt.....is not the right action i know, yet at least i can feel better.....n u will never ever understand!!!''

当。。。

当好累了，人总是想休息，
当太安静，人总是想找个伴，
当路上只有你，人总是想赶快回家，
当害怕了，人总是想逃走，
当全世界都只会叫你笑，人总是只会对自己傻笑，
当压力来时，人总是会想尽办法挡下，
当睡不着，人总是会想明天要怎么过，
当找不到存在的美，人总是随便过日子，
当自己给自己戴上面具，人总是会伪装，
当失去了一切，人总是更渴望得到，
当哭泣了，人总是自己把眼泪擦干，
当无助了，人总是会低声下气地求救，
当灵魂消失，人总是不懂为何生存，

当我对着电脑傻笑和掉眼泪时，擦掉泪水的好像只有我自己，拼命擦，它却拚命地掉，不知道为什么，它一直掉，不停地掉。。。。‘小姐，你不是已经告诉自己不会再掉眼泪了吗？为何每一次都做不到？？为何要掉呢？？没有人会帮你擦的，不要掉了！！’

yea......tears fall....like raining....non-stopping......suppose not to cry....suppose to be strong....suppose to learn to be.....suppose to be emotionally independent.....SUPPOSE!!! but, i FAILED!!! don't know why my tears fall...i can only express through blog....n only it's like my diary...at least i have it....

God, your daughter is tired....lost her soul....lost her cheerful heart n smile.....n she is not strong at all although how different is her life is every single day....

live dead ???

sigh......SIGH......
the first day of the second sementer was really really really SIGH!!!!
OKAYS...i was totally late to the first lecture...
then, i got my new timetable but....
my teacher are all SIGH....not really good ones.....all will jz make me sleep in class!!!

my expectations fail....
the whole uni seems like a dead tree which is totally lack of water and sunshine....it is jz too too bored n quiet.....actually, i was backed with a cheerful and excited heart....and hope so much that some of the boring teacher will not teach me....but the results was totally opposite....sigh.....

yea....all of us were like live dead zombies walking in the rain with chilly wind....no energy at all!!!
Hey guys....where was the strong energy you all used to have??? where was it gone?? WHERE??
Hmmmp.....i am a living entity with dead soul now.....no more excitement, no more laughters, no more yellings, no more '' byebyesssss'' to be heard from friends, no more '' How are you??'' to be asked, no more expectations.....it is jz too DEAD!!!

i was listening to the topic of '' seminar presentation'' the whole day.....n i felt stress!!!! There are 2 main assignments for english ''research essay'' n '' seminar presentation''....sigh.....STRESS!!! n i felt that the foundation building seems like haunted house ey, it is so quiet n all the tutors are missing....so scary....i was waiting outside one of the room alone...n it is the last room of the whole roll....hmm....so scary ey.....i miss those noisy sounds which everyone always waiting n chatting.....i miss the walking sounds of each n everyone....i miss the door opening sound which always jz too hard n loud....i miss i miss i miss everything!!!!

raining....
with an umbrella.....
walking on the quiet pace....
pushing by the strong wind.....

each step....
with a pair of inactive legs....
walking in the loneliness precisely....
strong wind broke the only umbrella....

accompaniments.....
with an expecting heart......
walking n walking still no ones.....
wind destroys the weak body cruelly....

physically....
with a strong immunity initially.....
walking with strong body which defeated all.....
yet, all turn to be weaker n weaker as days passes....

days by days....
praying with a sincere heart.....
yet, things turn another ways round....
i am not sure whether i am live or dead....
i am not sure whether when i can live....
or when will i die physically, spritually , mentally.....

live dead soul.......you are scary n torturing!!!!

time to go.....

yea......2 more hours to go to airport and begin my journey back home!! hmmm.....
i am trying to ask myself '' girl, are you ready to be backed??? are you??'' , i did scare and fear.....
but, i really have no ideas why there is no peace in my heart when the time is nearer and nearer....i felt like blogging coz no ones to talk and share with or i don't how to pour it out in words......so i can feel the good and bad thoughts are fighting with each other right now.....isn't something cool???

how can i really describe the mixture of complicated feelings to be backed this time??? i kinda have a little bit of excitement yet a feeling of chicken-hearted outweights it. Can anyone tell me why??? why there is no peace in heart??? it's so strange!!! even me, myself can't able to find out the reasons......fear?? stress?? nervous??

yea....what can really attract and comfort me now is the FOOD in my hometown.....HAHAHAHA!!!! n my warm bed and toilets too!!! n mummy, daddy n sis as well!!! really wish to have a good chat with them as i always used to......esp my sis.....HEHEHE!!!
wish to play piano that i long time didn't touch with.......hehehehe.....n wish to see my very cute nephew who always sing to me!!! (yupe!!! i am comforting myself with my very great imaginations now!!!)

fear to face reality??? fear to hear lots and lots of advices??? fear to be nagged and nagged??? fear to be criticized??? fear to make decisions or accept the changings??? fear to encounter with ppl?? hmmmmmm.........don't be so pressurized girl!!!!! be happy...and refreshed from the holidays coz things may get tougher and tougher as time goes....no ones going to accompany the next sem.....everyone is leaving soon.....sigh!!! ( history of loneliness might be displayed again!!! me don't want to face if it is possible!!!)

hmmmm.....stop thinking......shoo you the negative thoughts which my emo-ness and depression may arise!!!

p.s be good with dad and mum....show how much you had grown.....
p.s eat all FOOD you miss so much!!!
p.s don't be so stressed!!!
p.s be strong to face the horrible and lonely next sem after the brief holidays!!!
p.s GO TO BED NOW AND STOP THINKING!!!

(peace....peace.....p.s come to my heart now!!! i need you to calm me down......)

life.....

sigh........i cant stop crying......can't able to stop my tears.....
after listening to the brief talk about health science course we can take next year, i was so disappointed and sad!!! i am in dilemma now......

limited places....least chances......i need to compete with thousands of ppl to get into the course i want and there is only 5 to 10 places....5 to 10 out of thousands....isn't possible??? such a HUGE challenge i never ever met......such a BIG disappointment i never ever have....such a overwhelming stress that i couldn't stand and carry....i am lost....totally lost.....lost in the pathway i am walking.....lost in the jungle which is too wide......lost in btw the sea which don't have the final end edge......lost!!!

sorry God, i blamed you so much!! i blamed that why You makes a big joke in my life......why You want to bring me here and there when i start to love and accustomed everything??? why you want a litttle me to block the stone which is attacking me all at once??

my faith and trust on You was defeated.......i fear....i worried....i don't what to do....i want to do it....yet i cant do......sigh...restricted?? locked??? all doors are clossed??

cry....cry.....cry.....where is the hope???

lies

spring lies to ppl that it will be warm and colorful....
ppl lie to ppl that they didn't do wrong but they do...
friends lie to friends that they will help you yet no...
lover lies to lover that how much she/he loves him/her yet failed...
children lie to parents that they don't want to go school as they sick yet they jz lazy....
students lie to tutor that they did finish their job yet they haven't start....
are we all liars???

i lie to myself that i am fine and strong yet i am not...
i lie to myself it will be alright but it is not....
i lie to myself i can finish it strong but my will ask me to stop sometimes.....
i lie to myself that i am not alone as single stays long yet i am alone....
i lie to myself that you can face it yet i make myself drunk to escape...
am i a liar??

how many time we lie to God but we thought we are right??
how often we lie to God that we trust yet we don't??
how many time we lie to God we don't want to blame yet we still??
how always we say we put all our worries and fear into His hands yet we failed??
are we such a big liar?? even to our holy Father??

lies........i am tired of lying....lying to GOD....lying to myself.....lying to ppl......boosting how good i am now...how well is the place i am....how easy life going on and on......how much i had grow??

''God, i wanna to see your face...i wanna you to bring me away to any places....i don't want to face.....i am so tired.....sorry...i lied....lied to ppl around me...lied to myself...even lied to You....sorry God....''

''smiling without any real hapiness in heart.....a fake smile......a faded laughing sound.....a cold heart....a masked poker face.....that's me now!!''

SHOUT..........

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..............

i hide all my pains n hurts in my heart........

not even want to tell........no one are willing to hear......

so......i kept on acting as a happy and cheerful girl.......

now.......... i am

extremely tired........exhausted............fatigue........

everyday rush here n there for lectures and tutorials......

every week carry kgs of gloceries up the mountain......

my injured left leg are fighting with my determination right now.....

i want to move on and move on.......my dear leg.....

pls don't stop me from moving on.....

group research, labs test, labs experiment, all the upcoming tests,

epidemiology essay and research, giving out questionnaires, supermarket, church and service.......all of them are waiting for me to accomplish....

my dear left leg, u did really made me pain when i was walking to school these 2 days....

i am so afraid the incident will be happened again as before.....

~the experience of unable to stand up and walk......

~the experience of being treated in a weird and scary chinese tradisional ways....

~the experience of being sent into the CT scan which seems like a submarine for almost 2

hours.....

now....no one can help me anymore.....neither helping me to carry my begs and goods nor sup porting me when i am moving here and there....sigh..........

so, my dear legs, u don't how much i need you both now! pls......pls........don't stop functioning ok??

when

''when i prepare and learnt to love everything......your selfishness hurts me deeply....it's so realistic now.......yet i cant involve the past i had before......''

where got ppl like that??

pls stop asking me those foolish question before i get to be mad and angry....so frustrated la!!!

can you be able to imagine someone who got 10A in spm not even know what is being sold in supermarket??? haiz......i seems like being inspected and checked by her as a murderer!!! i got my priority ok.....stop asking me what am i doing in the morning ,afternoon and night of weekends....what am i doing in church ( i really want to ask her back what is she doing in temple)...how much money i used in a day....what am i doing after school....where you put your laptop and passport....is it safe to put them in house...what your sister intends to do in future....how big is your house in johor....which supermarket i go....what is being sold in supermarket....how to eat my breakfast,lunch and dinner (aiyo...use mouth la!!!).......what time i sleep and wake up...if i moved out from homestay, how much i use a day (i haven't move out,how i know my dear)......a lot more silly questions....almost 50 questions per day.....i am going to be mad!!! sorry to say about that!!! because something for me is my secret...my life not yours ok???

pls give me so oxygen to breathe....pls give me my freedom back....pls shut your mouth before my patience breaks my limits...pls...i am begging you now...

give it back to me!!!

Pls............pls.............pls.........give it back to me!!! pls don't take it away again!!!
somebody pls tell me how to reject??? i want my laptop back!!!!!

Should i be so kind to lend him mine???
but how to say ''no'' in such things??
i really want to use it!!!
pls don't take it away!!!

can i ??

so many people wishing me '' ALL THE BEST!!!'', ''YOU CAN DO IT!!!'' , ''JIAYOU!!!'' , ''I BELIEVE THAT U CAN!!!'' and ''JUST GO!!!''....
actually, i dislike to hear that because i am the one who experience and walk through it....how you all know i can.....how??? i don't even have the faith....i am so afraid....

i shouted :'' CAN I???''

courage 勇气

how much courage do i need to persuade myself '' jane, just go!!!'? who will be the one at my side when i shout pain? can i take care of myself? how much energy and strenght do i need to go through this challenge? who will be the one at my side when i cry and helpless? who will be the one who always share my burdens and troubles? who will be the one who is willing to teach and help me in my academics? who will be the one who will never leave me alone? who? who? who?

其实，我比谁都害怕和担心，我只是不断地压抑自己的情绪，强颜欢笑的自己已经觉得很累了，太累了，心再也没有力量跳动，嘴再也无法像以前一样灿烂微笑，手脚也似乎没力移动，但有一位神却一直告诉我；‘我的女儿啊，你要勇敢，要坚强，要相信，要放下，我会背着你走完人生的道路因为你是我的女儿。’