We were once like that...

I was studying the whole day in med lib with alicia and ben. Their actions reminded me of us. The '' together studying'', sharing food, teaching each other, nagging, grumbling...reminded me of us. We were once like that. You always and always bear on my grumpiness. We always share our food during recess. I always bring more cakes which made by my mum to share with you and you always allow me to have a bite on your chicken-frosted bun. Lols....i miss that time....That time which you'll always there for me even though we're not in a relationship. I miss the time when i always snatch your addmath book and exercises while you're doing. I miss the time we were sharing your notes and reminding each other the main point to be remembered. I miss the time you was teaching me all the sciences and math stuffs whereas i teached you sejarah instead. I miss the time when i will never ever sit alone during tuition because you'll always sit by my side.

How strange is that as we were so close so good in 5 years but never commit in a relationship??
How strange is that as everytime i went back for visit, i could feel that you're not willing to let me go by purposely make more few turns on road??
How strange is that as everytime i chat with you in msn, you are still be able to bear with me??
How strange is that as in everytime i was in troubles i am thinking of you?? thinking that how good it would be if you could be here for me??
How strange is that you always scare me that i'll misunderstand you have fallen for someone??

We were once like that......
You were once who allowed me to dream that there's a gurdian angel....
I was once to be allowed to be myself in front of you...
we were once like that.....

There is none like You...

After a long and tough week,
I was entirely exhausted inside out,
I realized that
when you want to hold tight on something that you love so badly,
when you are trying so hard to get over the pain and the past,
when you are doing your very best to stop killing your heart,
when you are expecting maybe,just maybe the past could be retrieved,
when you are still hoping he still will care and think about,
when you are doing what you can to avoid yourself to see,think,care,
when you are so afraid of losing everything that you have,
when you are searching maybe there's someone who can understand you,
when you are hiding your sorrow but hanging a fake smile to face the world,

you will so tired, exhausted, wear out,
physically, emotionally, spiritually,
and the HEART.

After i had read cheng yee's blog bout 'pain' that he is having,
everyone do have the pain-- something you don't want to reveal,
He used 9 years, 9!!! to forget, to let go, to put down,
i asked myself ''how long you have to take then??''
People can take jz within a month to find a new one,
to have a new life, to get over it, to start again.
Then, why can't you jz do the same?? WHY CAN'T YOU??
WHY IT'S STILL ACHING??? STILL BE HAUNTED EVERY DAY AND NIGHT??

Nothing i can actually do to stop killing my heart,
so i surrender all to Him,
today, when i reach out my hand during worship,
i feel that i touch His hands,
the pair of hands which i am searching and longing for so long,
i can feel he is holding me tightly,
he speaks to me,
''stop searching, stop killing yourself with the past, the pain,
pass it all to me, i will take the wheel.''

suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart as You do....

past tense?? past perfect tense??

Today, me and jensen sit at astaka and had a good chat. I pour out something in my heart which i had bear for days to him. I don't know who to talk to or who are willing to listen to me or jz give me a hug n let me cry on his/her shoudler. After pouring out all, Jensen said ''It has already became past tense...no!! It was past perfect tense!!!'' He told me '' i know...i know how you feel, i know and see everything actually. I know they are good, sit together in tuition, meet each other for lunch n break and lots...i know but i don't want to tell you...coz i know you will cry...your tears will fall...i know how weak actually you are!!! Girl, it has already became past tense..no!!! It was past perfect tense!!! Go n pursue your dream!!! Keep your lies if you think you both will be better!!! Be arrogance as me!!! no need to smile to everyone if you don't feel like!!! That'll be tiring Girl!!! Keep your smile to ppl that will treasure n cherish!! You are beautiful Girl, someone i trust n trust me, someone who are kind enough yet fragile, someone who always persist to finish all, someone who is strong inside out but needs support . Be good to yourself girl pls as you deserve more!!!''

After hearing all this, my mind keep on flashing out ''he n she is good!!is good!! what should i do??'' So, tears fall as usual. Daddy comes to me, hand in me a book which is named ''BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!!'' Daddy didn't ask more. He jz hug me n said '' if it's painful enough, shout it out. If it's sad enough, cry it out. If it's a past, let it out. '' I jz cried like a baby..non-stop!!! My face was so painful everytime i smile or talk. It had been so hard for me to take bath with face like that. I had lost my appetite for days..not consume any food but jz drink. It had been felt so uncertain to my result, visa, course approval stuffs, first aid course, eng diagnostic test and the journey i am going to walk on. I had been so reckless n broken when i told him that there got guys treat me good as it is jz a lie. I didn't really open up to ppl, didn't really put trust on ppl or didn't really have the hope in ppl. Coz i fear!! fear about the ignorance....fear bout the lost.....jz so fear!!! But, who knows as i never said....never ever complain....never ever tell ppl bout how i feel...never ever cry in front of ppl...never ever. I jz remain silence...silence all the times...

Then, here comes God when i open my devotional book ''word for today''. Title today is '' The battle is over!!'' The verse is ''....tell...[your children]....the mighty things i have done...'' Exodus (10:2). It's not enough to escape your past. Rather, its power over you must be broken, otherwise it'll chase you the rest of your life. When you break away from something that keeps trying to recapture you, it's crucial to get victory over it--otherwise you can't move forward and enjoy the blessing God has in mind for you. It's jarring to think something's over only to find it isn't. But remember, God wants you to see that when you put trust in Him, obstacles and opposition mean nothing. He wants this experience to be a ''landmark memory'' you draw faith from when you face your next problem. It may have been the story of your past, but it'd no longer the truth about your future.

Lastly, God can solve your problems in different ways, but sometimes He takes you through the Red Sea so that when you get to the other side you can look back n see Pharaoh and his armies ''dead on the seashore'' (exodus 14:30) AND KNOW THE BATTLE IS OVER!!! IT'S ALL OVER!!

back to the past ?!

practising....HAHA....go for it ppl!!! =D you guys can!!!

girls were running 4 x 400 =D Run ppl Run!!!

Haha....this is guosheng n youquan.. =D

HAHA...i had a great evening today with bunch of good buddies, previous classmates n peers...i went to acara akhir today...what's the feeling to be backed to school which you had stayed for 5 years??? The first feeling in the moment i step into school is happy!!! I was really excited to watch all my loved ones to run for their teams. I was really excited to shout, cheer, encourage, help and serve them in any ways i can. I was really happy to spend time and do life with them. I was happy to smile so innocently as similar as the ''5 years'' i had. Dancing, jumping, laying, walking, chit-chatting and helping each other on the field brought me back to the past which everyone was building up each other in all matters. I was happy when i help them to pin on and take off their numbers today. This was what i usually did within the 5 years in sports as i am not an atheletic. So, i jz do simple stuffs n help in and out and of course shout n cheer for them =))

Still, guosheng, he is still being so naturally in front of me. The familarity and friendship between us seems like never ever break. We still love to be with each other. We still love the security when each other are by side. We still care for each other and of course build up each other. Thanks God for this friendship which is accompanying me for years n it will become part of my life no matter where we are =D Thanks puiyuen, jensen, kokwei, qianru, jj, julyn, josie, joel, xueqi n lots too =D

Then, the most difficult question turned up to my mind : Isn't everything can be backed to the past?? or isn't the best way for us to live on and move forward?? Isn't silence, pretending and ignorance the best way for us ?? Isn't this all and what i am doing will make us feel better???

(I am trying my very best not to touch the wound, not to back the past that we had, not to intefere more in your life, not to talk deeply with you, not to think too much between us, not to be jealous when i saw or knew you are good with someone else....i rather not to step into your life as i knew you don't need me or the person you need is not me. So ya!! u will be okay =D i will be okay too =D )

what i can actually do is only pray for you everyday and bless you in everything you do =D

when you find you.......

You say you gotta go and find yourself

You say that you're becoming someone else

Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away

I know there's really nothing left to say

Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free

And when you've seen what you need to see

When you find you...come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere

Picture you with the wind in your hair

I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.

chorus:

Oh, and I'll let you go, I'll set you free

And when you've seen what you need to see

When you find you...come back to meAnd I hope you find everything that you need

I'll be right here, waiting to see

You find you...come back to me

And I can't get close if you're not there

I can't get inside if there's no soul there

I can't fix you, I can't save you

It's something you'll have to do.

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free

And when you've seen what you need to see

When you find you...come back to me

Come back to me............

..............................................................................................................................................

Hmm, tears fall like rains, never stop. I had in this impossible dream for months. I had pretended so much in front of him. I had told so many lies to him. I had told myself ''it'll be okay, you will be okay, i will be okay too.'' I had tried my best not to interfere in anything of you. I had tried my very best to give all encouragements when you are depressed. I had tried many times to let you go n set you free n set myself free as well. I always rather not to expect, rather not to think too much, rather not to ask, rather not to say a single words...but tears cover all...show all...

Girl, ENOUGH OF DREAMING!!! stand up...wake up from the reality n impossible dream...you have something to do with your life...Go to pursue your dream!!! Go to make your daddy smile for what you did!!! Go to make God smile n proud of you...serve him in whatever you can!!! Go to love ppl as much as you can. Go to do something productive rather than thinking or expecting too much of the impossibilities....GO GO GO!!!

(girl, you know you are blessed so much by everyone...ppl love you!!! your smile mean everything to ppl!!! SO SMILE =D )

Maaa....i am so worried about my result.....AHHHHHHH!!! =(((

MAKE ME OVER......

After a hard day of a tough week, i was so tired....was really really tired of keep myself living in the past. I wondered why i can't get rid of the past and move on to the future. I was jealous about everything esp when they are having fun or they care about each other and i am miles away from them. Sighhhh....to get out from the past, let the bygones be bygones, i did have to make some changes. (sorry about hiding some of my friends in fb) coz i really can't concentrate but thinking of the past, daydreaming about the past every single night. So yay, starting from today, i am trying to hide as many as i need in order to make myself get out of the past which will never ever return to me or can't ve regained. N starting from today, i want myself to stop those jealousy n envious of what kluang peeps doing or having. The love n care they had among themselves had already forsaken me long time ago, no use for me to waiting n waiting till losing myself for jz to squeeze into a little corner of their minds...( sorry if i offended anyone....) i jz felt like there are problems with myself and jz not alright in some aspects....so sorry bout those offences...

It is jz a major problem which i am facing for months. So, gonna to let it go...n pls go away....i don't want to expect anymore till make myself suffer n lose hope....so yay...gonna to come out of my comfort zone this time!!!! as this year gonna to be a promising year i believe =)) there are lots of dunners' peeps around me...SO NO FEAR AH GIRL!!!!

AH HA!! 3 MORE...3 MORE...i will try my very best to finish it =)))

and still i wanna to give thanks to my dear news reporter who always updates me (jensen), the one who always first to give me everything and listen to me patiently n fills my mailbox with lots of encouraging messages (mr ea guosheng), someone who wanna go mountain climbing n have roti canai, 3 layers tea, fishball mee and chit-chattings with ( Bro JJ), my advisor n very good friend (liwen), my faithful driver who always drives me crazy everywhere when i go back, let's race with your mini babe!!! ( vincent che), my blur-ish buddy n sis in christ (sweetie josie) and lotss...heapss...loadsss ppl =)))

Terima kasih banyak-banyak...

I will be missing you guys......

AH HA...i love the last lines of this song which has been sung with low tune n voice...feel kinda sexy n cheesy....HAHAHA )

pull me in, take me out, make me over!!!

a nice song.....

我哭了又哭，我知道我不能这样，不可以这样，但我真的真的好累，累到我好想停下来，好想休息，好想听听你的声音，好想看着你对我笑，什么都不用说地抱着我，但我却假装很坚强，再也不去多看你的一切。。。。你要我做的，尊守的，我都做了。。。但你永远也不会懂我是怎么过的。。。谢谢你总是出现在我梦里。。。。那样就够了。。。谢谢