I miss Daddy!!!

Cinderella -by steven curtis chapman =))


I miss daddy so much SO MUCH!!!

I miss the times we were watching football games at midnight.

I miss the times we went ''yum cha'' after each piano class i had.

I miss the times you were holding an umbrella n waiting for me to finish school when it was raining.

I miss the times you sent books when i forgot to bring to school.

I miss the times you teached me english n maths.

I miss the times you reached to fetch me within my 5 mins after i called.

I miss the times you brought food for me when i had extra classes.

I miss the times we chatted n talked about craps (school's events, class's gossips, friend's matters, basically everything happened in school =D )

I miss the times you trained me to drink wine (white ones, my favourite) n beers (carlsberg, thumbs up) - we both alcoholics!!!

I miss the times you scold me for not switching off tv n lights.

I miss the times you bought a dozen of chicken essence =((( n made it for me to drink during every exam.

I miss the times you opened air-con, lid up the mossie's coil n opened toliet's door before i sleep =))

I miss the times you knocked on my door to ask me to sleep or take a nap when i was too bz or during exam.

I miss the times we were watching olympic n sports - F1 race '' kimi, go, Go, GO'' , Bad '' aaww, i love Lin Dan la dad, he is awesome!!!''

I miss the times we were eating goreng pisang n cendol by the roadside after tuition.

I miss the times you calm me down when i was crying to you for reasons.

I miss the times we went to have ''Tim Sum'' n your car always kena saman =p

I miss the times we washed cars n do gardening together =))

I miss the times you teached me how to drive buggy n drive for u when u was playing golf with sis =)))

I miss the times when we were playing badminton together.

I miss the times you teached me how to fish n pull the net but i got bitten by the catched fish. =))

I miss the times we went diving together in Pulau Tioman every year since i was 7.

I miss the times you never ever give up on me on my piano when i failed for the first time.

I miss the times you are proud of me in front of ppl n give me compliments =))

I miss the times you smiled when i made u proud =)))

N i miss the times u were talking to me through phone when i m in nz.

I miss you so much daddy. You jz like my guardian angel who were protecting me so well. You made me impressed and inspired most of the times. You gave me a good family with love n without financial problems. You brought the religion to my life. You love me so much n willing to sacrifice your time, money, physical strength n etc for me =)))

Thank you for every single lil things u had done n are doing for me =)) Thanks for letting me become your ''cinderella''.... love you heaps heaps =))

My daddy, is jz someone more than a blood-related person, he is a friend to me, yet, sometimes he is jz more than a friend =)))

Ideal future spouse?? urmm??

Haha...we had grls night 2 days ago, and i am the youngest one among them (something for me to happy for =D ). As most of us are single, so we all decided to talk about what criterias, preferences, and qualities we wish our future spouses to have. Nah, to me, i didn't really think about it before as maybe either i am not mature enough or i don't really have hope to a relationship or romance. Simple saying might be i jz lose expectation, hope n faith in love after a heartbroken one.

When reached my turn to share about ''qualities n criterias of my ideal future spouse'' , i really really don't know how to start with...i jz speechless at that moment....hehe..Then, stella gave me guide to lead me in sharing. She asked me to share from 3 different aspects (physically, spiritually and emotionally) which i wish my ideal spouse has. I was like ''Huh, do i need to say it in details?? '' Without a second, all jiejie stared at me with big eyes and replied ''Yes, of course my lil grl!!!'' HMM...i was shivering man...but still i share =))

Physically,
i didn't really ask for more aye,
~ jz need to be neat!!!
~Pls deal yourself with your dressings,
so i don't need to worry for him. ( That'll be pretty nice =)
~ i prefer small eyes one =))
~ n have a great smile =))
~ somebody i can kiss then better lah!!

Spiritually,
~he must be stronger than me (inside)
~he must lead me in my growth
~he must love God more than me (for sure!!! )
~he must have strong relationship with God
~if can, i prefer he do ministry..no matter what ministry =))
~he must be someone i admire n can respect,
so i can follow him securely.

Emotionally,
~he have to be stable in his emotions
~i prefer someone who is not so emo
~prefer someone who is more sensible and thoughtful
~prefer someone who is not sensitive and have a Big-hearted

Others,
i prefer...
~adventurous than romantic type
~not too introvert n strong inside
~handy person
( know how to do something i don't really good at -cooking =))
~family-orientated person (loves kids)
~Big-Hearted, generous, not too serious
~somebody who is willing to tell me his lil lil stories
~n a good listener n advisor or reminder
~someone can inspired n impressed me...so i can follow..
~has sense of direction in his future =)))
~n someone who know how to play ACOUSTIC GUITAR n teach me how to play =))
coz i love it so much so much!!!

That's all, most importantly (which is a MUST), He is a christian man who loves God n family n can lead me in my growth or make me grow n not stay in stagnant. I don't want somebody who please me but point out my mistake to make me improve n grow in meanwhile. If there is one like i said, i reckon that he is beautiful n so beautiful in whatever he does or is doing...i will be impressed n inspired =))) REALLY!!!! i can actually for go the physical part but spiritual n emotional do take a significant role.....

After the sharings, what i learnt is to set an ideal spouse who i can give my heart to. It's because everyone's heart is fragile, once it's broken, it need so much time to be mended. n Hope towards love have to be roused again. He might not fulfill all preferences i desire, yet, at least he has to be close to them. Jiejiesss said '' so u won't easily fall for friends around you!!! keep n guide ur heart carefully...u still young =))) n if u meet someone who is willing to let u step into his life or vice versa n can make u grow spiritually n emotionally, he might be the one as he closes to what u want but the attraction is vital as well...then try to work it out =)) If no attraction but fulfill all ur desire....that's still no point...But, afterall, God will prepare the BEST ONE for u coz He knows you the best!!! ''

A good sharing n lesson =)) i love you all =)) Thank you!!!

An indefinite one!!!

Christmas past....a new year coming....
what i do in this Christmas??
I didn't do any ministry to serve God this year...
I didn't share the gospel of The Greatest One had bornt on this very special day...
I didn't do much praying for ppl....
yea...i really didn't do that much as previous year during christmas...

This year...2009
is a year which twisted 360 degree of my life....
i left home to nz to continue my tertiary studies...hmm...
it had been so tough for me to left home, esp an dependent grl like me....
But, yea...i managed to go that far...n yea...so far now =))
It's already more than half a year....
but btwn this period, God changed me lots...
from heartbroken relationship, daddy's ill, reality vs friends,
till how God love me by placing different ppl in my life...
from a girl who jz love to pretend, to be hypocrite...
till someone who only laugh n smile for everything happens in her life...
from demanding, sensitive, pessimistic characteristics...
till someone who appreciate n cherish everything with smile....
This is how much i had changed till now...

So, this year christmas to me is simple but lovely...
simple in the way we celebrated it....
lovely becoz christmas is all about LOVE to me....
i never ever sang a christmas carol till my tears fall...
i never ever surrender to God in every christmas....
Yet, i cried this year...in church...
when i was singing '' o holy night''...
i cried...i shouted out to God from the deepest core of my heart...
''I love you God...i don't know how wonderful it will be...but i thank you for the day You gave....i thank you for the love You gave....i thank you for the greatest gift You gave...nothing is more significant than that...nothing...''

hmm..really...
i had a very simple christmas this year..
no carolling, no santa claus, no clown, no grand celebration, no countdown...
but It's jz all about Love....
boost the Love n Unity of a family in christ....
Thank you for the day....
the great dinner i never ever had....
the great time You let the left dunn-ites to build up a relationship for YOU...
the great moment You let me found out my truth self....
the great period You let me to be refreshed n repented for what i had done in my own ways but not Yours...

I really don't know what a journey will it be the year upon...
uncertainity of future pretty much like an endless nightmare....
But, i believe You will lead my way...to the path that suit me..n u WANT me...
Thanks for hold me tight in this twisted year....
Thanks for never ever failed Love You gave..
Thanks for coming into my life....

next year journey, my future, n everything i surrender n commit to You...
Christmas....is not about how Great the celebration is...is all about How great the Love The Above One gave...

Christmas is jz all about You!!!

Pretty Much??

Hmm....got lots n lots of thoughts nowadays esp when 2010 coming closer n nearer each day...
Do you ever have something you really really don't wanna to face it??
Do you ever meet the situation which will pretty much get ur future fix??
Do you ever feel that faith is lesser when there are more ppl get it??

i pretty much feel like my faith is getting lesser n lesser each day...
i pretty much ensure that the ''weird & creepy'' feelings embrace my whole mind now...
i jz pretty much feel insecure in some ways..somethings...
n j pretty much worry about what will be coming next.....

wondering what type of journey it will be??
all HURTS?? all BENEFITS?? all FIGHTS?? all PAINS?? all HYPOCRISY??
i don't know...i really don't.....
what i know is jz...i pretty much lack of FAITH IN MY FUTURE =(((
Hmm...dentistry is jz so tough to get into....yet, i will still try my very BEST to ace it...
God always has a plan.....an eternal plan which never gonna to fail my life...
n this is what i hold strong for now, always n the days which gonna to come soon!!!

Woots...Woots!!!

Ohhh....they made it for You, my lord!!!
n i hope i will make it for You as well in the year which come upon..
ohh...What's a great christmas present is it...
n I wish i can have the same one next year as well...

Wootss....Wootss...
sebs got med, like a miracle for inters...
carol got den, she thanks God for all...
Joel waiting list for den...we praying for him...
Ezra, i think he got den as well......wootss!!!

N now heaps n heaps of ques are popping out of my mind.....
''How could they make it??''
''How am i gonna to make it??''
''Can i get into what i want to??''
''Can i use the ways which may glorify God to make it ??''
''Can ppl put off the selfishness n helping each others??''
''Can ppl tear down the mask they r wearing??''
''Can the ''love'' You commanded to be shown among peers??''
''Can i see the door You prepare for me one day??''
''Can i make it for You?? n jz for You alone, bt not for me??''
''Can i persevere till the end strong??''

I wonder why, i wonder how, i wonder what am i going to do......soon n very soon....

i discovered that...
The course ppl want to get into jz like ''1 million''....
some will fight for it without humanities,
some will fight for it within the commandments of The Big Papa Above,
some will only live for the ''1 million'' n loss All which much more worthy,
some will live for Him n they get more than ''1 million'' of course....

Thus, who u wanna to be?? who r u going to live for?? Him?? or for yourself??

To me...i will like to live for Him, n opt for the eternal life rather than the ''1 million''.......
ppl may earn the whole world, without humanities, the whole world is jz worthless!!!!

so, yea....i will work n strive for Him, n jz Him in the year upon....
i know it will be really really tough for me...coz i know my ability....
but yea...i have Him!!! My Big Papa Above, nothing is impossible!!!
jz swung in the saddle n RUSH N GO!!! =)))

Parapum,pum,pum,pum !!!! (part 1)

okay, i had a really really enjoyable n wonderful weekends - lovely family outing on sat & wet xmas picnic on sun evening.....It was jz WOOOOhooooossss!!!! shiok sangat =))

Let's talk about the lovely family outing first.....


Hmm, i am blessed so much by God who had placed two cousins by myside in such a quiet & considering boring place ( dunners, nz). Yet, in the midst of quietness n boredom, all of us need companions of course. That's why i am blessed with both of them by side =)) Thank my dear God....N definitely i cling on God more n more each day =))

To cut the story short.....

sat morning, i attended Ying's graduation ( kudos to Ying).......i jz know Ying for few weeks act but she adores me la!!! We chatted about normal stuffs n daily chores....yea....she is really good to me...give me lots of advices n some hubs books tho....love her much =))

okay....then, i had an extremely wonderful outing with family (cousins). We went ice-skating, slow walking on beach, shop in asian grocery n had a fantastic dinner in KuangZhou......hehehe...

Well, i did quite noob in ice-skating yea.....almost GG!!! But, i learnt that ''everytime when u fell down, u need to stand up n don't expect ppl will help u to stand up if u don't ever want to try to stand up by urself!!!'' Yea, my butt is damn painful lah =)) n right palm bleeding!!! But, i am strong u see *wink wink =))

Then, beach...OHHH...beach...U are jz so beautiful n attractive =)) It's jz show me how great is God's work n creation....how amazing is it!!! n I jz so impressed by Him....how great He is =)) How wonderful He is....i love you endlessly my Big Papa Above =D

n Shopping in asian grocery shop highlighted us as a group of hungry monkeys who had been starving for months!!! HAHA =)) wels, we did miss asian esp, msian food lah =)) We bought frozen ''Tou sha pau'' n dried gingkos for dessert as well....n lots of snacks....KEKEKE...kk, here came our savory dinner.....weeee....we had ''shui zhu fish'', claypot salted fish with eggplants, stirfry ventures with onions....n etc....all so YUMSSS!!! Thumbs up =)))

The next part....be prepared to hear it if u willing =))) Thank you xoxo

nearer, fear clearer....

I am so emo nowadays....i wonder why....ahem??
There is no peace in my heart ( like wave, up n down)
yea, i felt guilty and dissappointed with myself...
I am simply jz a rotten apple....
why?? why nigel, you still work so hard to teach us...
even your last lec in 2009...you never ever give up...
never ever give up on me....
yet, i kinda give up myself...i am lacking of faith n hopes....
U jz did so many things to make us to gear up...
from the normal lec notes to the supersize organic chem notes,
everyday u remind, test and encourage us...
to memorize, to learn those complicated names...
However, we all make u down everyday...such a disappoinment...
Thanks for every effort u give...

i was so touched today,
by my chem tutor, nigel,
he did so much for us....
yet, we never ever appreciate...
i am jz a rotten apple yet u never give up....
why i still can't stand up?? WHY??

L said ''don't ever look down urself!!!''
jz a experience...learnt it as a lesson..
flunked in papers is nothing to ashamed of...
grl, don't over protect urself n make urself bitter...
never ever tasted sweet albeit ur smile does..
believe ppl who care u although u had being dropped several times,
Stand up n continue the race!!!
Sometimes it bring pains, worries, hardships,disappointments,
Yet, you are growing owing to those.....
you are becoming a godly grl with strong faith...
leave all the burdens n worries to Him...
You know His promise never fails..

Yea, jz bear with me,
i am kinda emo nowadays,
2009 is gonna end n..
2010 is coming so soon...
grl, u gonna stand up, don't lose FAITH!!!
STAY STRONG FOR THE YEAR UPON US...
U HAVE TO BE STRONG TO FINISH IT!!!
I'll be there for you....Don't worry!!! =))

p/s CHEER UP!!! HANG ON!! U will be alright okay =))))

rousing, reckoning, realizing......

Overflown thoughts flash through my mind nowadays,
i wonder why, i wonder how, i jz wondering everyday,

indeed, tears fall, wipe away the smiley chin i used to have,

perhaps, resentment becomes bitterness fills the gap.

Too many excuses n blamings without realizing i gave,

numb to those encouraging words albeit u tried hard,

bitter than a bitter gourd, never ever tasted sweet,

i suspect, i unbelieve, i jz want to protect everyday,

Things in heart weigh upon the spirit n soul,

alttitude goes wrong when despair exist,

where the positive alttitude goes when trustworthy lost,

u bet i will say '' I don't know, i don't know!!''

The rousings, scoldings n remindings never ends,

Yet, i still remain the same, crumble in a day,

U said '' STAND UP!! u gonna look forward n live on.''

''Okay'', ''Yealo'' are my responds n replies....bummer??

me is me, the special one, u praised,

Yet, heart surrounds by bitterness,

inside awful than outside,

hypocrisy never leave ur face....u wonder why?

u don't understand, i said, pls don't comment,

u never ever being dropped easily,
u never ever worry for meals every night,

u never ever neither care nor love ppl,

yet, ur every single words hit my heart....

Only heaps of thankies i can repay,

looks at the bright sight, u said,

Cry because it's over,

Smile because u learnt....

every single person is fascinating......

There will be time she will have to be brave, even if she feel she can't be,

Sometimes she needs to rest after a long distance walk.......

Afterall, she will swung herself into the saddle, finish the race strong =)))

The first grad i had attended!!! an inspired one!!!

See, she is Jen with flowersn her gown of course!!! =))

YEA!!! Today, 12th the 12 (a.k.a 12th dec 09), i attended Jen's, martin's, Han's n Annet's graduation!!! It's a great one indeed!! and it reallly inspire me lots!!

When i reached there, everyone was happily gathered in front of den school for the parade. HAHA....i was so amazed by lots n lots of asians. WOW....there were almost half of the total is asians!!! Then, i was wondering the gown they were wearing with a piece of different colours silk cloth ( i don't know how to describe act.) So, i asked melia bout the colours, she told me that :

med-light purple, den-dark purple, gold-applied science, green-physio, blue-commence, pink-arts, violet-den tech and etc. I love the light purple n the darker ones.....haha!!! Then, i realized that there were lots n lots of docs n dentists standing around me.....so happy!!! They looked so nice, pretty n handsome as well =))

Now, is the time fthe parade began although there were thiny lil drops of rain accompanied us!!! i really really love the parade. Those graduates were holding bouquets of flower, wearing the four-sided graduate hat, walking in heels n leather shoes with the heaps of blessings from families n peers of course!!! WOW....i really really FALL IN LOVE with it!!! =)) is so wonderful!!!

Congratz to Jen (applied sci), Martin (med-doc!!!), Hans ( physio) and Annet ( den!!)!!!! You guys look really really great!!! eee...i wanna to go to andrew's n eugene's on Wed!!! can't wait la!!!

From the first grad i attended in my life, i got lots of inspirations n encouragements!!! n I really really grateful to someone who encourage me a lots with God's word. Hey, you are not that introvert!!! You really can talk..n talk even more than me!! Thank you for him as he keeps on reminding me to stay POSITIVE!!! He knows i am a really bitter grl although i looks cheerful from outside. Yet, he looks into inside ( the internal part of me). Yea, i know it's so hard to accept or to encourage someone who easily depressed or always live in despair. Yet, u jz don't care what ppl think of me. You jz give all the advices each day when i said something which is so NEGATIVE!!

You said '' if you live in despair means u never ever want God to enter ur life n heart to help n lead you. You are jz burdening yourself. Although u knows crying or blaming or ''sighs'' are so pointless to a situation happened, yet there is still no peace in your heart coz you didn't want to hold on Hope, Faith n Love. You said u r fear, so u lose all the hopes n confidences. Yet, why don't u try to think POSITIVELY!!!! STAND UP after u failed, THINK POSITIVELY although u may fail, DO WHAT U CAN DO n don't bother what ppl told u!!! When u believe there is hope, faith, hope n love, u r letting God leading ur way!! =))''

At the moment, i stunned by what u told me. My eyes was blinking at you. n I realized that u had talked to me for 2 hrs. n I was silent in those hrs. WOW!!!! Thank you dude!! for sharing ur testimonials. for telling me little little things to cheer me up =))) Thanks!! Jane appreciates a lots!!! =))

Your favourite quote ''the right alttitudes make its own luck''. So, i will hold on the right n positive alttitudes to accomplish all the missions, to breakthrough all he hardships, to live for Him and glorify His Name!!! =)))

p/s : after the last tear drop there is love!!! Believe me....love from genuine peers always appear n approach to you when u need them!!! =)) So, thanks for sharing, thanks for encouraging, thanks for rousing, thanks for looking inside but not outside =D n we will strive hard sama-sama to get into DEN!!! remember the promise =))) Jiayou, we can!!!

irealizedthatiamsolousy!!!

More than a nice melody,
More than the sweetest of word's,
This is love i have found,
and with this love i am found.

I just want you jesus, i just want you my lord,
I just want you jeses, i just want you.

Never could i comprehend,
The love you so freely give,
Never could i be with you,
But you love covers all of my sin.

I just want you jesus,
I just want you my lord,
I just want you jesus i just want you.

There is no greater love than your's,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like your's god.

There is no greater love than your's,
Nothing else could ever compare,
And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like your's.

I just want you jesus,
I just want you my lord,
I just want you jesus,
I just want you,
Jesus!!!
(album: deeper, planetshakers)


Listening to this song almost 30 times today in lib albeit i failed to download it.....sigh=(((
In this solitude with only God n me in a quiet corner of lib today, i realized...........

p/s i am so weak so weak today. Body is weak, Soul is weak and mind is even weaker....jz not alright today!!! Felt there is something lost...i did terribly in something....Sorry Lord, i failed to glorify Your Name nowadays no matter in what i say n do....i felt so sorry....Heart is full of guiltiness and fear. I felt guilty....can't able to do somethings which can make daddy mummy proud of but did somethings which probably will make them disappointed with me!!!

AHHHHHH.........tears dropping so naturally without any strong holding back...........
can i have ''Less me More You'' in my life??
I just want You, Jesus!!!

tear down the wall of my heart =))

well, we (melia, ying, ben, andrew, jen, calvin) bought a 6 feet tall greenish christmas tree and a box of red n gold glitter ornaments which have different shapes and patterns ( gold sparkle stars, red bell without linglong (which ying complained!!!), lil red flowers n ribbons, decorations which is used to twine around the tree ( somethings looked like a pile of gold reddish grass-melia said), n all the 3 sizes balls!!! Well, we were excited when we got those xmas stuffs from warehouse after lunch n church service....HAHA =))

Then, we had our decoration moments in jen's flat at night. HEHEHE....It's was real fun!! we took heaps of photos. In meanwhile, Ben opened some christmas song to enrich the christmas atmosphere. Hmmm...some weird beats xmas songs do sound creepy!!! So, we decided to sing those cute n merry songs like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer and cute version of we wish u a merry xmas. HAHA....couldn't able to forget how calvin sang the Rudolph's one...was so funny!!! He sang '' rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, has a very shiny nose (like a light bulb)!!!'' He jz love to add those funny decos at the end of the lyric!! But, it did make us laugh out loud (LOLS)!!!

Hmm, then, we had a very lovely movie from sg '' The wedding Game'' if i was not mistakened la!!! Hmmm, it's a very funny mvie. We laughed n laughed most of the time. At the same time, we also gave out lots of opinions as well. HAHAHA....n we had chicken popcorns n wedges for the night....kudos to Jen!! HAHA....then we had the last shot with our micro optic fibre xmas tree which is full of colourful n attractive lights!! Woooohoooo....it's damn nice!!! really...coz we paid hardworks on it!! =)) From steps to steps :

1) opened the huge box
2) took out the folded christmas tree
3) opened up the folded leaves
4) put on our first ornament together (red bell without linglong)
5) then put on the other ornaments to deco it =))
6) set up the cable n fix a plc to put the tree by arranging the sofa again n again (hard chores)
7) hmm...it's the time to LIT it up!!!
8) WOW.....it's so beautiful with colourful lights...
9) admiring n taking photos in the dark with xmas songs on!!

Hmm.....i felt loved on that night. To be honest, i didn't know them very well. But, but, i willing to tear down the wall of my heart= not to be scared of ppl anymore n let ppl into my life n heart!!!
Frankly speaking, it's no easy to tear down the thick layer of the wall we set or build for a long time. yea..initially, i did feel being left out. So, i started to blame ppl....blame my poor english....blame my lousy communication skills....blame my foolish coolness....blame my hypocrite look....blame every single lil weaknesses i have!!!

Yet, i told you it's jz useless of how much u blame. You are jz looking yourself down but not others!! IS YOU yourself build the wall so high which make ppl hard to jump over albeit they wish to or they are willing to. So, i prayed with tears to God. Asking why i was being ignored or left out by ppl?? Asking why i can't get along with them. Asking why ignorance doesn't feel good?? Asking why solitude sometimes hurts??

I got the answer after a few days. I heard God said '' my girl....Go ahead to experience life with ppl out there which u envy so much.....put down the mask......tear down the wall.....n jz BE YOUR REAL SELF!!! '' Yea.....so......i tried to put down my hypocrite character and start to communicate with ppl...hmm...that's sweet when ppl replied u n laugh together. I felt warmed in this zombie town!! THANKS FOR ALL =)))

I jz wanna to say thanks to ppl who accepted me as their friends. Well, i am speaking to someone life now....hope him stop to be introvert!!! yea....he is a good friend of mine....He teaches me how to make coffee n lots of investments things. He told me ''' hey i can't imagine i am chatting craps with you for 3 day a row!!! You are the first one who can able to make me talk so much n tease you!! Thank you!! my guinea pig =))'' Well, i felt being appreciated at that moment. I felt i am growing each day in every single moments. Thanks as well dude!!! love the purity of friendship with teases, encouragements, motivations, reminders, rouses, comforts, pamper and lots!!!

I hope there will be more n more in the coming days , weeks , months n years of course!!!
Hey dear dor, luke carson n mich (if u come back) let's us strive hard together hands in hands walk into the den school in year 2011 =))) God bless us!! let's pray bout it =D

BRAKE!!! brake!!!

girl, u really need to step on your brake before you go into more deeper parts!!!

well, let's all the ridiculous thoughts and missings bygones......
Phew!!! completely screwed up by my chem test today!!! i jz felt so tired and discouraged...sigh...
i am trying so hard ( try my very very best to smile everyday =) ) , yet, why i am jz felt myself broken inside?? why there's seems no remedies to cure or to jz wound it up temporarily?? If can, permanently will be great, don't you think so??

hmm...i realized so much lesson of life nowadays. I had a heart-to-heart chat these few days with my vietnam friend, ben. We chatted about dream of life, love and romance, academic life, family, friendship and etc. Well, we both are very well-acted hypocrite..we jz hide every emotion and mood to ourselves. We jz keep on trying our best to hang on the smile till the end albeit we know the result of the end is so uncertain and may not have chances to long for what we really pursue in our life.

Hmm, he was forced to going back to his home country either to continue his studies or do somethings else his parents wish him to do. He was not happy at all, i noticed. But, but, he was still hang on a charming smile all days. Yet, one day before the last physic lab we had....here comes our heart-to-heart convo....

Jane : '' why you seem down in the dumps today?? are you alright??''
ben : '' didn't i look fine?? i am fine what!!!=)) ''
Jane : ''well, u didn't seem alright okay!!! u jz look so down with a fake smile!!''
ben : ''hmm...how you notice i am not ok?? isn't too obvious??''
Jane : '' hmm...yea...kinda obvious!!! kekekeke!!! well, come on, what was happening??''
ben : '' i need to leave next year. will not be staying for HSFY.''
Jane (stunned face) : '' huh?? really?? why??''
ben (laughing) : '' jz 3 word u said!!! HAHA, u r funny girl!! ''
Jane ( confused expression) : '' wei, better tell me the reason!!! ''
ben: hey, why owen don't want to start the lab now?? already 15 mins gone!!!''
Jane ( stared at him angrily) : ehh...u ah...don't try to tune channel k?? u haven't tell me why!!
don't try to hide k...say out will be better dude!!
ben : well, it's family matters!!!
Jane : okay then...since you don't want to pour it out, i will not force. So, u wanna to stay here
right?? wish to achieve your dream har??
ben : Of course!!! don't ask me silly ques...i bet you know the asnwer!!!
Jane : okay...you don't climb up to my head!!! n watch out...i will bully u till the day u leave!!!

............................................................................................................................................................

These are only one part of the convo....short but interesting!!!

hmm...i felt bad for him, really!!! albeit he didn't want to pour out the reasons, yet i knew he didn't feel good to go back as he told me that foundy cert is no longer significant to him...so he started to miss classes....It's what we called discouraged isn't?? give up somethings we long for?? let go somethings we want so much?? What we long for is not what the life we have now!!! So, do we have the priority and right to choose b4 everything is jz well-planned by people around us??
Do we have the chances to hold on to something we wish so much??? or expectation will jz bring us down everytime?? ( That's something i can't understand....i jz can't understand why most of the expectations we have or we are looking forwards will jz fail us?! Then why we still expect?? )

That's question i keep on questioning myself....can't figure out why!!! Finding so hard to search for the answer.....arghhh...might jz either leave it or jz jz don't think too much??

i discover that solitude will let my thoughts and imaginations overflow....heaps n heaps of ridiculous thoughts and ques will jz pop out from my mind out of the sudden...isn't one way to grow up and understand the life's lesson ??

Hmm....daddy always say '' girl, don't think too much, things will turn the way God want it to be!!! You jz summit all to Him!!! ''

The matter of hearts, the struggling feelings, the insecure ones and the broken spirits n souls....i want to love you all with a BIG HEART!!!

''The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34 :18) =)))

This is the air i breathe....

yeap!! updated!!!
what did i do recently?? Hmm, i had done my seminar presentation successfully =))) n i volunteered to finish it...hehe...i really have no ideas why i have such great courage to lift my hand up when my tutor was finding someone to volunteer on that day...It's the courage from God i think...yea..He really really walked me through a 50 mins long seminar ( i know my seminar is kinda long!!!). Coz, normally, a group only presented for not more than half an hour and mine broke the record man!!! Felt kinda relax and happy after all had accomplish with god's strength!!!

Besides, after all my buddies had gone, i felt extremely down with a leaden and slumbering heart. Yet, through heaps of ''down in the dumps'' , i had grown a lil bit (It's something i definitely can't deny.) My knowledge in the lesson of life had increased bits by bits through what i had seen and experienced from different aspects ---friendship, bgr, god's grace and blessings, family and love among bros n sisters in christ. =)) Hmmm....heaps of stories to share, be patient if u r willing to know =))

Friendship, to me is an essential to let me have a normal social life as others. Yet, good friendship is difficult to either sustain or maintain. In nz, i give thanks to God for providing lots n lots of friends who always lead me to the right way when i did something wrongly or my thoughts are too ridiculous or when i think too much!!! Thanks dor, ginny, carol and heaps of them =)) as my good listeners and asvisors!!! Hope to do life more n more together in the future!!!

Here comes to bgr, BGR is boy-girl relationship. It's jz simply mean either love or romance. I jz so amazed and impressed by the couples here who i knew. ''WOW!!! U guys really show me what is true and genuine love amongs guys and girls!!! '' i was so impressed man!!! I felt sweet for them act. Such a pleasant =))) Yea, love is much more than a feelings. It is a commitment which both parties need to compromise, bear, understand and trust each other. It's such a hard-pressed stuff for me unless my future spouse loves me lots with sincere heart and is willing to step into my life without regreting. In meanwhile, he must let me step into his as well coz love is mutual. Not one jz keep on giving in yet the other one jz keep on accepting. This will only make the giver feel tired of loving and the acceptor takes things or his/her love for granted!!! Yea, i had a lil crush on someone. But, but, but, it's jz a crush!!! Well, probability for the ''chemical stuff'' to happen is kinda kinda low i think!! Well, jz let nature do its course!!! and someTHINGS matter, yet somethings don't!! Well, jz don't think too much =))) and ''it's will be alright!!'' If avoiding or ignoring is what God wants both of us do, then what can we do much on it right?? Maybe He is not the right one for me...God will jz give me the best one!!!

God's grace and blessings, woahhh!!! Blessed to be Your Name God!!! I was so amazed on every single little things You did and are doing in my life!!! It's jz amazing to know You!! hmm..due to boredom, i recently reading ''captivating'' by John & Stasi Eldredge and ''something matter;somethings don't'' by Anna Delight Jaquith. Both books teach me how to lean oAn God more instead on leaning on ppl.

'' The things in life that seem like such a huge deal when you're going through them probably won't matter that much in the big picture of life . The thing that matters most is what God thinks about you. People will fail you, but God can't fail you. He won't fail you. ''------D.J.Anna.

Family, i miss them so much!!! eeeww....miss to have great dinner with daddy n mummy n sis!!! Miss popo and all my cousins, aunties n uncles. Miss the laughter we used to have so much every gathering on saturday night. Jz miss every moment we used together!!! Yet, i thanks God for giving me a family here as well!! albeit they all are blood-unrelated with me, yet they still adore me!!! love me as family. Kudos to my church bros n sisters, esp lg ppl!! n gorgor, thanks for your very very good patience to listen my grumbling!!! Thanks for albeit knowing my weaknesses but never ever leave me when i need u. Thanks for rousing me from my slumber. Thanks for building me up but never tear me down guys!! Love you all heaps!!! =D

Lastly, i had a very great time with those who still slacking here today after the wonderful church service!!! We go bowl today after lunch in meridian!!! HAHAHA....act, i got 2 tests next week la. But someone convince me...see the conversation below:

Josh : ( hand on my shoulder on a corner)...ahem, so when is your tests grl??
jane : hmm...next tues n thurs...sigh...
josh : okay...how much it worth then??
jane : ahhhh....20 % la!!! but i got no motivation to stdy act!!
josh : have u started yet??
jane : ahem....yea...a lil bit...not much...jz don't feel like stdying..
josh : okay...let's go bowl n relax then...find some motivations from fun!!!! but, must start stdy
after this k?
jane : yea...can play!!! woooohoooosss!!! =D
melia : we teach u do bad things act...promise us must STDY at night k ?? ( staring me with big
eyes and wicked smile!!)
Then, here we go!!! enjoyed the whole afternoon sport section together n i got a STRIKE at the end!!! and at least i passed the cut-point. OOPS...sorry jen, heading u by only few marks...=))))

So....here my summer stories!!! WOW....i managed to find happiness among the boredom!!!
well, gtg back to stdy and have quiet time b4 i sleep =))) Love to have solitude with God!!! I'm loving it !!!

You can do it !!! i can't is the fact !!!

The whole world expect that '' You can do it!!!'' ,
yet , NOBODY know or realize that i can't!!! I CAN'T!!!
see....i can't....can't even practice......only tears......
God, why i so scare?? why i so weak??
why i can't do it?? where are You now??
seeking for the peace in heart but i totally failed...
no supports....no encouragements....no motivations....
Nobody cares!!!! As they always know and think that '' YOU CAN!!!''
BUT WHO is the one who knows act I CAN'T ???

dunno why....tears jz moving around in my eyes....loneliness n fear covered my heart entirely....
WHO will be the ONE who will build me up and won't tear me down???

God, i need you so much now!!! carry me through this pls as no one else will do....

who can define expectations??

hmmm....only blog again....my loyal friend....

who can define expectations??
why expectations always lead to failures??
why you know that will be a failure and you still hold tight on ur expectations??
what do you expect me to be??
why my heart so fragile??
why ignorance is a bliss sometimes??
why ppl will walk away from you whenever they wish to??
why my innocence always believe though i know you will leave??
why can't be simple??
why want to build me up then tear me down??

i can't understand....isn't me believe ppl too easily?? yes i guess.....so there are always disappointments and hurts...

learn to be mature...to be real....to be independent.....is jz too difficult!!!

let it go....

Hmm.....i supposed to accomplish my seminar presentation by tonight....but, i did blogging again...

Today, i realized everything had changed even human's heart....
Finally, i realized that relationship is jz a need....a need of we both yet it's not love tho....
I didn't have disappointments after finishing the ''Hi-Bye'' process...i jz felt so relieved coz i did it!!!

LET IT GO...
something which is not mine n yours,
something which is jz a need n comfort,
something which is all in the rush,
something which sincerity is fake,

LET IT GO...
something which we did wrong..
something which cause hurts....
something which is no return paid...
something which is impossible...

previously, i thought ''let it go'' is jz a phrase which is extremely hard to turn it to action, yet, experience is the best teacher to teach us the way we should do to stop ourselves from suffering. What a relief ?! ''LET IT GO'' is jz need a heart with willingness and forgiveness...once you decided to let go, u must have a fixed heart. To have a fixed heart means to have our mind made up so that we are not going to change it.

A steadfast heart....
everything changed....
you n her or the 'she'....
not my matters anymore...
perhaps a ''Hi-Bye'' is a surplus...
yet ''friendly'' is my nature...
if felt annoying...jz ignored....
i can able to take it...
as i already did my part as a friend...

A steadfast heart....
i jz want to be determined...
stay positive and happy...
walk in the peace of God...

''sometimes, what i need is jz a listening ears which can bear my grumbling esp when the moment ''i am not alright''........n that's all....''

rolling my tiring eyes...listening to the songs....and it's time to continue my assignment....hmmm....GO!! gO!! Go!!!

Who will u fight for?? n who will fight for u after all??

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

p/s : Is love worth to fight for?? then who will u fight for?? n who will fight for u after all??

my ans : Only Him ---The Above One

没感情

如果人是没感情的动物，那会不会过得更好呢？
因为没感情，所以不懂受伤的感觉，
因为没感情，所以不懂想念的心情，
因为没感情，所以不懂爱人的滋味，
因为没感情，所以不懂被爱的美好，
因为没感情，所以不懂关心的重要，
因为没感情，所以不会为他人担心，
因为没感情，所以不会为他人哭泣，
因会没感情，所以不懂什么是幸福，

没感情，让人心疼，同时，让人觉得可怕。。。。

haha...my musing....what if a person who is without feelings?? how he/she going to live normally?? hmmm...i wonder...is creepy though!!! But, to me, everyone is trying so hard to hide n keep their feelings n relationship coz they don't want ppl who care about them to worry..are we keep on growing to be strong each day?? or we had already grown so much??

No matter what happened.....we jz choose to be brave instead of weak....aren't we growing???

p/s : i miss him....but i know he want me to be brave.....

swallow...

blog ah blog....
i know you are the only one willing to hear my grumbling!!!
n now u are the on who are free to hear....

i don't know why my tears jz keep on falling....it's jz like waterfall...non-stopping...
sigh....seminar presentation is coming so soon....i didn't really prepare well....n i have no confidence at all...or it can be said that i don't have any mood to either study or prepare it well....jz randomly let the time flies and i even hope the time passes faster n faster each day...

me...escaping?? avoiding?? scare of?? fear of?? masked myself?? poker face?? too emo n drama?? i can't even really figure out my feelings or mood now!!! It can be described with jz a word ''NUMB''.....
i jz unable to feel anything.....jz numb towards everyday life....how come i become like this??
my life was already so dramatic.....why it couldn't be simple a lil bit?? as simple always goes good!!

hmmm......challenges, expectations, fear, and discourage bring me down!!! yea....undeniably, i am someone who loves to grumble and GRUMBLE!!! But, it's so hard to have someone who i can really grumble with except God!!! He is the healer of everything....n He will walk me through fire...

Well, i don't know why i jz swallow everything that i wanna to speak out.....can't really be honest to ppl n myself...so can't be happy....so there comes a Poker Face!!!

A shoutout : ''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......I AM SO TIRED!!! God, give me a way to follow
you, give me miracles, give me courage, give me expectations that will never fails,
shoo away my tears, shoo away disappointments, shoo away everything that's not
belong to me!!! God, if is not belong to me, jz pls don't show me.......God, thank you
everything....and sorry....''

i'm not alright!! jz broken inside.......broken inside.........

is jz so down....

today i am jz so down....can't even give ppl a proper smile....can't even give myself a happy face...
hmmm...after schooling, i went to my flat next year to have a look of my bed and discuss things bout flat account. Sigh...i realized that i have to stay alone and is all alone in a house for a month. How sad??How disappointed?? How am i going to live through everyday?? hmm....it's scary!!!

I felt like crying.....coz i really don't know how to live without ppl staying with me....how tough it will be?? i don't want to neither think nor imagine. It will make me feel worst though...n is so worst. Tears drop....n it's jz drop due to my fear n timidness. I realized that i need to contact the landlord myself to ask for permission to stay on Jan next year and get the key of course. n I have to call the power company to allow the electricity to run during the whole month as well as the internet. n Then, i need to do flat account with kim n learn to use internet banking n trademe to get all my stuff for flat next year. sighhhhhh.....is jz too complicated!!!

hmmm...i find it so hard to tell mummy n daddy coz they will be super worried u see...is jz too sigh...how am i going to open my mouth to tell?? how ?? it's so hard as they will be really really worried. In order not to let them worry, i can only bear through the whole month. i am wondering '' how much i have to grow within that month?? can i stand it?? or i will jz collasped?''
Can somebody tell me how am i going to live through that month?? DON'T TELL ME TO BE STRONG!!! as i know i am not!!!

'' Where are You now that i am crying again?? Where are You now that i hurting?? where are You now that i need You my friend?? Where are You now that i searching?? Why do You seemed to be so far away?? Why is it always crying?? Why am i trying to hiding?? When will it be the way that you dream?? How should i firm in the meantime?? When will my faith be above n no war?? When will i not have to hold anymore?? ''

I am broken.....hope see......failure......tell me.....answer....but i don't understand!!!
You said your mans are broken hearts too, You said your love can arrive.
I am tired of this!!!

God.....pls come to me.....i know You will carry me thourgh the fire!!!!

I am broken....

只是想。。。

谁说我不害怕?
我害怕了，真的。。。
害怕上英文，
害怕找不到资料，
害怕没准备好，
害怕我不会做，
害怕做不好，
害怕一间家只有自己，
害怕一个人时想起你，
害怕失去所以不期望，
害怕跟你说多你不理，
害怕我并没有那么坚强，
害怕自己不小心哭泣，
害怕脸上失去笑容，
害怕受伤所以不想爱，
害怕太过明感你离开，
害怕，全都害怕，

所以能多坚强就多坚强，
能多勇敢就多勇敢，
能笑多久就笑多久，

但现在的自己就只是想哭泣。。。。

'' u jz know how depressed and in distress ppl around u r, n u jz know i should be happy instead of depressed....u will comfort ppl around u who is in distress but u will never ever bother me when i am the one who is in distress...n i jz know that u will leave me or not even want to bother me when i am emo....coz u said ''being emotional will draw ppl around u away...so do you!! '' hmm....so....see....r u satisfied now with who i am?? a happy n strong girl who will never ever cry ?? do u really think that u can control ppl emotion by jz say so?? do you have the right to do so?? do you ever be considerate enough to think for ppl in her/his position?? isn't he / she want to be emotional?? or they are really frustrated with somethings?? or they jz feel discouraged due to certain reasons??

'' i am avoiding hope to protect myself against being hurt.....is not the right action i know, yet at least i can feel better.....n u will never ever understand!!!''

Pick It Up...Pick him up.....

I was listening to my sis cousin conversation with her friend about the flat to stay next year. To cut the story short, Lastly, they both decided to rent a 6 rooms flat to stay. Her friend knows my bro cousin, oscar well though as we all are from the same state of msia, Johor. Hmmmm...However, due to his hatred towards my bro cousin, he doesn't even mention to stay with him next year as he knows my bro cousin is finding flat for next year u see...i was so angry but i did keep quiet and calm.....but the monster inside was frustrating and burning with anger....yet, i controlled my irritability finally as i heard a calling from God ''JANE, CONTROL IT!!! JZ BEAR....WILL BE FINE...OKAY??''

Then, when i was surfing internet, accidentally i wished so much to listen to Planetshaker songs. I chose a song which on titled ''Pick It Up'' as these 3 words hit my heart strongly as if God wanted me to know sometime or a message. Hmm....yea....last but not the least, i knew what God was trying to hint me......''Pick Him Up my girl!!!''

Him=my bro cousin, oscar, he is someone who is not that bad actually, jz naughty, want attentions from ppl and stubborn sometimes as i think maybe he lacks of insecurity and some love from peers as no ones willing to approach to him, not even will lend him a hand when problems come. It's so sad to hear about it as ignorance is not a bliss yet maybe hostility!!!

To me, i adore n love him. I was struggling whether to help or not to as some conflicts did happen btwn us previously. However, i decided to help and try my very best to help as he is the only bro cousin i have here and i am the only blood-related relative here. ''If even me give up on him, who else will be approachable enough to go near to him to either care for him or help him ?? WHO?? '' As God will not give up anyone of us even the beggar on the roadside, why don't human being just give him a chance to be alived ???

Pick him up from the darkness and evil with God's strenght and mercy. By god's grace, i hope i can make it. Don't step aside from him, go into the world of the rotten apples as they will have their uses....don't they?? Give him a chance to become a better one.....believe him as support....care about him by speaking to his life....don't close the doors for him as you dont have the right to do so!!!

''An ugly caterpillar will turn into a colourful butterfly one day if you don't kill it and give it a chance to be alived....so does a rotten apple!!!''

only wish....

i dislike this day...

i was all alone today...stayed in foundation computer room till there is nobody as everyone has left..only me in such a big room n big building...Do you ever know how is feel??? Do you ever know how much there is someone else come in although i don't know who is he/she??? Do you ever know i only wish there is someone else accompany me?? Do you?? i am not emo-ing...jz feel lonely...n is too lonely...



Then, while i was walking to library to find ginny jie, wind is too strong...my body was shivering. Out of the sudden, i thought of daddy. No one else will love me more than Him except God. Daddy will always protect me like his only princess. What i asked for always will turn to true...it was jz like a dream, all will jz come true. Thinking back......



~Whenever i asked him to fetch me to anywhere, he will definitely reach home in 5 mins to fetch me go any place i want to..will never ever be late.

~Whenever i asked him to buy me food that i wish so much to eat, he will definitely buy it either on that time or the next day.

~Whenever i fall down, he will definitely carry me and bring me to the doctors.

~Whenever the rains come, he will definitely give me the only umbrella as shade n he got nothing to cover himself.

~Whenever the whether was too cold when we are travelling, he will definitely give me his jacket and told me that ''i am not cold at all''.

~Whenever i cried, he will definitely give me his great support n encouragement.

~Whenever i was fighting with my sis, he will definitely scold my sis but not me as he knows i am always the weak one.

~Whenever i was sleeping, he will definitely come over to my room to lower the air con temperature.

~Before i fall asleep, he will definitely come to my room to put the mosqitoes coil.

~Whenever i sick, he will definitely be the most worrying one.

~Whenever i have exam, he will definitely buy all those herbal which can help me to be more focus and increase my memory box....

~Whenever i dislike something, he will definitely take it away from my sight.

~Whenever what happened one day, he will still definitely by my side n be my support for me to continue to survive everyday.



See......how great is the love daddy is giving to me.....someone who will protect n adore me no matter what happened.....he will never ever walk away from me....will never ever say '' u emo yourself la!!! it is what u choose to be!!!''......will love me more than himself....will put me before himself....will wish me have a happy life....will pray for me every single moment.....will hope someone who can love me more than him to take care of me for the rest of my life....this is what daddy hope to see.....This is his only wish for his little princess who always fall down yet he knows that his princess will climb up after every fall...will be stronger n stronger each day...n this is his only wish!!!!



i only wish there is someone who really care, adore, support and protect me no matter what is happening. However, i really learn a very good lesson today till i almost lost someone who cares me a lots.....n make a lots of troubles to ppl....disappointed ppl somehow.....perhaps i should not ask for more or expecting too high.....hmmm......BE STRONG?? isn't really easy?? say it hundreds or thousands times then can i turn to be a STRONG girl?? or STRONG is only a word??? but is so much more difficult as if in actions??



well, i realized that i am so weak when the wind was attacking me everytime i walk. I am not that strong to face everything....i claimed that i am not emo-ing.....

even a strong tree which has live for almost 100 years will also afraid of the attacking of the strong and chilly wind...don't you think that a girl with weak body will not be afraid of it??
even the strong tree will feel the pain when the wind is attacking its body....don't you think that a girl with weak body n soul will not feel the pain ?? or else isn't she has to smile every moment to mask her depressed face??? isn't that she cannot be her real self?? isn't that when u r real ppl will draw u further away?? i can't understand!!

So, i only wish to find back how passionate that the real jane can be able to live honestly and happily with a genuine smile!!!

believe.....

HAHAHA......LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!!!
The reason that i love it as this song can totally describe my life now...
i still BELIEVE n Believe there is always beautiful no matter how deep i fall,
every challenge, hurt and hardship are the sources to push me up,
and to build and mould me to someone who can be able to paddle the boat by myself with the strenght of His in the blue ocean there is no end!!!

This song can mainly describe how my life is going on now....
n how much i am growing each day!!!
is a simple song but is a nice n meaningful one indeed!!!

Will try my best to live for the best of today!!! passionately, full of life n enthusiasm, n be real n honest to myself n The Above One!!!

here is the lyric....hehehe

突然觉得我只是一个人 有点孤单浅浅的忧郁 我不知道明天会不会很美丽 虽然今天天很蓝 而云很白 风很凉 今天日记空白没有关系 不必每件事情都在意 不想工作 不想困扰自己 不必刻意想你 该是我的总会来 就算挑战 我不走开 一点点你的微笑 已经让我觉得温暖 我还不懂坚持 正好让我 学会去爱 我曾经看见困难 变得胆小 不够勇敢 但还是要相信 相信感觉 相信简单 有一天 等我懂得事实也许更会幸福 至少现在让我去相信 哦 我还是会相信 相信感觉 相信简单

it's complicated!!!

It's complicated!!! Love is so complicated sometimes although it should be simple!!! But, it is something we cannot control. n is our feelings which makes love so complicated!!! hmmm, to me, i prefer to have a simple love rather than those complicated ones!!! Coz, hurts might be everywhere as ''booms'' might be every place if you are not precise enough in the pathway of love. Love should be mutual. Mutually give n take if true love exist between each other. One shud not give too much but didn't gain anything in return or vice versa. Mutually trust is important as well as love is all about trust mainly. If you do not believe your partner, how can you be honest to him or her or else you might be suspiciously checked on what he/she do, who he/she hangs out with, where he/she go and when she/he will be backed?? Lots n lots of questions due to lack of trust, faith and honesty.

Girls might not easily speak out their true feelings to someone they love. WHY?? It's jz because they simply do not want loved ones to worry too much about how they feel but not to purposely keep it to themselves. They might be probably think for their loved ones. But, if their loved ones can take girls' problems easily, it will be good though to pour it out as your burdens might be shared or you will realize that there is someone who are so willing to listen to you as he loves you!!! It's great isn't?? This is the foundation of honesty of love n will build up more n more if both share out their problems n both is patience to be a listeners n advicers if is needed. So, love will be much more easier and simple but sweet though.

Yeap!! Here comes the most difficult things about love. It is we don't know that someone we love will love us instead. It's hard to find out sometimes because once we find out rejections might be given, we will be hurted. So, many of us do not want to find out coz they don't want to get hurt n they jz giving all silently n secretly. But, it's really sacrificial though. Then, things will turn complicated once you find out he/she doesn't love you. Hmmm....it is sad though....you fall for him but he doesn't realize or not even notice...But, it's alright.....think that way '' Don't you deserve someone who loves or fall for you as well??'' cheer up girls!!!

Lastly, love shud be simple instead of being too complicated!!! '' Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth. Who makes your heart soar now? Well, what are you waiting for?'' ....i copy this phrase from a test from fb....it sounds good at the first part...we might be fooled by many things or words n actions. However, isn't we really can know the truth by feel deeply into our heart?? To be honest, i can't!!! simply maybe i fear.....so i avoid.....HAHAHA....don't think too much girl....love shud be simple n beautiful and is all from God, the greatest king!!!

smile!!! sing!!!

i was quite down last few days due to many things. I can't really have the energy or regain it to fight for the rest of the days, weeks n months because i can't find out a purpose to be alive.....physically alive but with a dead soul. i seems like a zombie walking here n there when time reaches or i have a class to attend. i lost my smiley face, cheerful heart with great enthusiasm and a strong willpower or determination to accomplish what i had promised!!! That's horrible n torturing.....living but don't for what....n jz know i have to live....

hmmm....yesterday night, gorgor was chatting with me. He asked me '' how are you mui??''. That was the first time i really don't want to say out how am i to him because i don't want him to worry as he is examing...but finally i poured out all...n tears fall naturally......long time didn't see gorgor already....i miss him so much....i saw his blog....a touching n inspiring story which is really really push me up from the depression. I love one of the phrase '' live passionately for a cause and fight for it for Him no matter how much you need to sacrifice or how hard it will be''.....hmmm, the phrase was like a click which awake me from those insignificant questions which had bothered me for few days and i had sleep deprived because once i close my eyes, a sound came '' jane, how are you going to live through tmrw?? how?? why you want to be alive??? what is the purpose to live??'' .....The repeating same askings kept on flashed through my mind everytime i close my eyes....then tears fall unconciously....n my pillow got wet...it was like nightmare!!!

But, last night was a peaceful one....gorgor accompanied by willing to sing a song to make me sleep...it was sweet indeed!!! n finally i had a really really nice n calm sleep...the song is ''someday we'll know'' which has really really good lyrics....haha....i appreciated a lots because i have family here...a bro who never ever leave me alone when i need him as like family will never ever leave you when you need them. This is how nice you see......how sweet.....like a guardian angel who is delivered by God to me by His grace.....

n This morning was a nice one as well...there were 2 kiwis smile to me. Those were warmy smile which healed small parts of my hurts n filled little space of my emptiness in heart. I love to see ppl smile to me. A simple smile may change one's mood of a day or may make some differents of one's life. A simple smile has its great power which bring joy, encouragement, support, and life to someone. Thus, smile as much as you can to ppl....they will feel it one day n it is worthy to do so!!!

SMILE GENEROUSLY!!!

hmmmm....this was a simple but joyful post with grateful heart from me-a girl which is leading her simple life passionately for a cause n promise.

''An out of tuned song may touch someone and make her calm n sleep in the embrace of peace,

A simple smile with lovely heart may bring a change in her life n mood,

A lovely heart n willingness may make her feel loved as a family as he never ever let her go or leave her alone.''

当。。。

当好累了，人总是想休息，
当太安静，人总是想找个伴，
当路上只有你，人总是想赶快回家，
当害怕了，人总是想逃走，
当全世界都只会叫你笑，人总是只会对自己傻笑，
当压力来时，人总是会想尽办法挡下，
当睡不着，人总是会想明天要怎么过，
当找不到存在的美，人总是随便过日子，
当自己给自己戴上面具，人总是会伪装，
当失去了一切，人总是更渴望得到，
当哭泣了，人总是自己把眼泪擦干，
当无助了，人总是会低声下气地求救，
当灵魂消失，人总是不懂为何生存，

当我对着电脑傻笑和掉眼泪时，擦掉泪水的好像只有我自己，拼命擦，它却拚命地掉，不知道为什么，它一直掉，不停地掉。。。。‘小姐，你不是已经告诉自己不会再掉眼泪了吗？为何每一次都做不到？？为何要掉呢？？没有人会帮你擦的，不要掉了！！’

yea......tears fall....like raining....non-stopping......suppose not to cry....suppose to be strong....suppose to learn to be.....suppose to be emotionally independent.....SUPPOSE!!! but, i FAILED!!! don't know why my tears fall...i can only express through blog....n only it's like my diary...at least i have it....

God, your daughter is tired....lost her soul....lost her cheerful heart n smile.....n she is not strong at all although how different is her life is every single day....