Pick It Up...Pick him up.....

I was listening to my sis cousin conversation with her friend about the flat to stay next year. To cut the story short, Lastly, they both decided to rent a 6 rooms flat to stay. Her friend knows my bro cousin, oscar well though as we all are from the same state of msia, Johor. Hmmmm...However, due to his hatred towards my bro cousin, he doesn't even mention to stay with him next year as he knows my bro cousin is finding flat for next year u see...i was so angry but i did keep quiet and calm.....but the monster inside was frustrating and burning with anger....yet, i controlled my irritability finally as i heard a calling from God ''JANE, CONTROL IT!!! JZ BEAR....WILL BE FINE...OKAY??''

Then, when i was surfing internet, accidentally i wished so much to listen to Planetshaker songs. I chose a song which on titled ''Pick It Up'' as these 3 words hit my heart strongly as if God wanted me to know sometime or a message. Hmm....yea....last but not the least, i knew what God was trying to hint me......''Pick Him Up my girl!!!''

Him=my bro cousin, oscar, he is someone who is not that bad actually, jz naughty, want attentions from ppl and stubborn sometimes as i think maybe he lacks of insecurity and some love from peers as no ones willing to approach to him, not even will lend him a hand when problems come. It's so sad to hear about it as ignorance is not a bliss yet maybe hostility!!!

To me, i adore n love him. I was struggling whether to help or not to as some conflicts did happen btwn us previously. However, i decided to help and try my very best to help as he is the only bro cousin i have here and i am the only blood-related relative here. ''If even me give up on him, who else will be approachable enough to go near to him to either care for him or help him ?? WHO?? '' As God will not give up anyone of us even the beggar on the roadside, why don't human being just give him a chance to be alived ???

Pick him up from the darkness and evil with God's strenght and mercy. By god's grace, i hope i can make it. Don't step aside from him, go into the world of the rotten apples as they will have their uses....don't they?? Give him a chance to become a better one.....believe him as support....care about him by speaking to his life....don't close the doors for him as you dont have the right to do so!!!

''An ugly caterpillar will turn into a colourful butterfly one day if you don't kill it and give it a chance to be alived....so does a rotten apple!!!''

click....

hooray!!! i went to amelia's lifegroup today!!! i was kinda enjoying it though it was only 5 of pretty girls in that group and i am the youngest among them....haha....we talked and discussed about '' i am who i am named''....now, i realised that there are so many people masked, packed and decorated themselves to find the security which they lost it for a long time. Undeniably, i am also one of the members of them...being a hypocrite!!! It doesn't make us internally happy or joyful. It just make us feel even worse...depressed....or hate till even isolate ourselves...It really need such big courage and willingness to stand up from such deep valley...now, actually i am frustrating about many assignments and groupworks which totally discouraged me.....thinking of giving up sometimes....negative thought always flashing through my mind....what should i do actually?? being bullied because i am asian??? or stand up and speak out all my worries instead or burdening myself each day???

hmmm......i had been tried so hard to cast off my pain and hurts....had been trying so hard to learn to love this place and such great opportunities in my life.....once i thought '' this chance is so cruel....made me even lost who i am...lost the loved ones.....lost my emotion and smile as well...''
Now, i learn to tressure and appreciate as much as i can coz God had given me a great chance and mission to accomplish in my life....there might be a lots of obstacles, barriers and hardships waving with me...yet it is the only way to make me growing and growing each day either in maturity or spiritually....yeah, God is awesom !!!

amelia and annet did encourage me to have faith as i told them '' losing hope and faith'' is something really holding me back now....due to fearfulness of love, i lose hope and faith on myself...keep on doubting on my ability and critizing myself......it caused doubt of who i am named and made and selected by GOD!!! They told me '' don't masked urself to seek for security and comfort from ppl surrounding you in urself....be satisfied with yourselves no matter with ur beauty, weight and height, personallities, race, origin and etc yet it doesn't mean that we don't have to make any improvement in our life.'' so '' girl, jz have a click on ur mindset that ''STOP IT!!! GET OUT OF DEPRESSION!!! STEP OUT!!! YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE NAMED!!! NOT THE EXTRA.....SO U R SPECIAL!!! SO LOVE URSELF!!!'' sounds nice actually.......hehehehehe.....filled up my batteries again and start to stride back into my life......

reality vs faith....

someone told me.......reality and faith cant be balanced or we cant even find a balance between them...once i lose my faith towards God....no matter how much i prayed and how hard i prayed....i cant even see the results or efficiency....so i am lost!!!

once i lose hope on people...
once i was too emotional till my loved ones left me.....
once i was blaming too much on what i had....
once i could not accustom to all those sudden changes....
once i got hurt so badly and deeply....
once i hate promises from people.....
once i wish to runaway from everything.....
once i wish i can be backed....
once i totally depressed and defeated by reality....
even till i lose my real self......lose who i am actually....

yup.....undeniably, prayer is not magic.......cant be all achieved and gained in one day or even one month or years.....reality entirely defeated my faith towards Him.......cling on Him to me is such a difficult stuff......yet, now........i am the one who got the chances to choose.....someone told me '' You are stronger than what you think....even stronger than me....''.....suspiciously, i was wondering..''am i?? am i my dear bro??'' hahaha.....growing.....i am growing each day.....i choose to believe in Him even though i lose everything.....i choose to have faith on Him which may defeat the reality.....i am still searching the real self back.....haha.....there is so many people who love me......God always place lovely people in my life to help me find the way out of lost...or to push me to walk forward the journey......so i appreciated Him......halleluyah.......cling on Him girl.....don't let go.....Hold Him tight....

DECISION

HAIZ.....
is it so hard for me to make my own decision??
you all are not in my situation....how can you all make a decision for me??
am i being too rash?? or irrational??
i am not!!! i jz want to live better....live like a proper human being....not robot...
you can abandon me....i don't even care!!! coz i can and He is there for me....not you!!!
when she asked me '' don't you feel any dissapointment when he never want to notice your existence?? i said'' NO!!! I AM NOT!!!'' i had became a girl who is so tough....i cant imagine!!
when i saw from the email from my aunt to my cousin....she said'' i hate her emational and randomness...she can lose two years...but you cant!!!''

ooo...mummy...i thought i will cry....yet i didn't....not even want to....coz i was always being hurt and abandoned....still, i am so strong to move on....strive hard...waiting for miracles and light in the darkness..

LOSE....i will not lose...i don't even want to lose!!! it is my obligation to accomplish my mission....
''Believe me.....i will still move on....coz He is always there for me to rely and cry on.....''

MISSION...

i have a great mission to accomplish in my next 5 years....woohoo

the mission is :
~become a better person
~become a better daughter
~become a better sister
~become a better women
~become a better future wife
~become a better friend
~become a better christian as well

i hope after the next 5 years, i will be able to:
~say''I LOVE YOU'' to my mom & dad
~say''SORRY'' to my mom & dad
~be a humble as well as confident girl
~help the people who need my help
~grow up mentally and spiritually...not physically
~love God more and more everyday
~bring the''precious paper'' back to glorify His
name & let my mom & dad proud of me
~take care myself and others as well
~become a lovely girl who loves to smile

in future, i want to:
~tell my son ,daughter and grandchild about my experience and the proud
histories i had
~love and serve God till i die
~love my mom and dad
~love my future husband...be a great parents as well
~be volunteers to help the people who need help
~have a wonderful real life

7 days before i leave........that's the great MISSION i have to accomplish it........pls pray for me....thx.....