BRAKE!!! brake!!!

girl, u really need to step on your brake before you go into more deeper parts!!!

well, let's all the ridiculous thoughts and missings bygones......
Phew!!! completely screwed up by my chem test today!!! i jz felt so tired and discouraged...sigh...
i am trying so hard ( try my very very best to smile everyday =) ) , yet, why i am jz felt myself broken inside?? why there's seems no remedies to cure or to jz wound it up temporarily?? If can, permanently will be great, don't you think so??

hmm...i realized so much lesson of life nowadays. I had a heart-to-heart chat these few days with my vietnam friend, ben. We chatted about dream of life, love and romance, academic life, family, friendship and etc. Well, we both are very well-acted hypocrite..we jz hide every emotion and mood to ourselves. We jz keep on trying our best to hang on the smile till the end albeit we know the result of the end is so uncertain and may not have chances to long for what we really pursue in our life.

Hmm, he was forced to going back to his home country either to continue his studies or do somethings else his parents wish him to do. He was not happy at all, i noticed. But, but, he was still hang on a charming smile all days. Yet, one day before the last physic lab we had....here comes our heart-to-heart convo....

Jane : '' why you seem down in the dumps today?? are you alright??''
ben : '' didn't i look fine?? i am fine what!!!=)) ''
Jane : ''well, u didn't seem alright okay!!! u jz look so down with a fake smile!!''
ben : ''hmm...how you notice i am not ok?? isn't too obvious??''
Jane : '' hmm...yea...kinda obvious!!! kekekeke!!! well, come on, what was happening??''
ben : '' i need to leave next year. will not be staying for HSFY.''
Jane (stunned face) : '' huh?? really?? why??''
ben (laughing) : '' jz 3 word u said!!! HAHA, u r funny girl!! ''
Jane ( confused expression) : '' wei, better tell me the reason!!! ''
ben: hey, why owen don't want to start the lab now?? already 15 mins gone!!!''
Jane ( stared at him angrily) : ehh...u ah...don't try to tune channel k?? u haven't tell me why!!
don't try to hide k...say out will be better dude!!
ben : well, it's family matters!!!
Jane : okay then...since you don't want to pour it out, i will not force. So, u wanna to stay here
right?? wish to achieve your dream har??
ben : Of course!!! don't ask me silly ques...i bet you know the asnwer!!!
Jane : okay...you don't climb up to my head!!! n watch out...i will bully u till the day u leave!!!

............................................................................................................................................................

These are only one part of the convo....short but interesting!!!

hmm...i felt bad for him, really!!! albeit he didn't want to pour out the reasons, yet i knew he didn't feel good to go back as he told me that foundy cert is no longer significant to him...so he started to miss classes....It's what we called discouraged isn't?? give up somethings we long for?? let go somethings we want so much?? What we long for is not what the life we have now!!! So, do we have the priority and right to choose b4 everything is jz well-planned by people around us??
Do we have the chances to hold on to something we wish so much??? or expectation will jz bring us down everytime?? ( That's something i can't understand....i jz can't understand why most of the expectations we have or we are looking forwards will jz fail us?! Then why we still expect?? )

That's question i keep on questioning myself....can't figure out why!!! Finding so hard to search for the answer.....arghhh...might jz either leave it or jz jz don't think too much??

i discover that solitude will let my thoughts and imaginations overflow....heaps n heaps of ridiculous thoughts and ques will jz pop out from my mind out of the sudden...isn't one way to grow up and understand the life's lesson ??

Hmm....daddy always say '' girl, don't think too much, things will turn the way God want it to be!!! You jz summit all to Him!!! ''

The matter of hearts, the struggling feelings, the insecure ones and the broken spirits n souls....i want to love you all with a BIG HEART!!!

''The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34 :18) =)))