time to go.....

yea......2 more hours to go to airport and begin my journey back home!! hmmm.....
i am trying to ask myself '' girl, are you ready to be backed??? are you??'' , i did scare and fear.....
but, i really have no ideas why there is no peace in my heart when the time is nearer and nearer....i felt like blogging coz no ones to talk and share with or i don't how to pour it out in words......so i can feel the good and bad thoughts are fighting with each other right now.....isn't something cool???

how can i really describe the mixture of complicated feelings to be backed this time??? i kinda have a little bit of excitement yet a feeling of chicken-hearted outweights it. Can anyone tell me why??? why there is no peace in heart??? it's so strange!!! even me, myself can't able to find out the reasons......fear?? stress?? nervous??

yea....what can really attract and comfort me now is the FOOD in my hometown.....HAHAHAHA!!!! n my warm bed and toilets too!!! n mummy, daddy n sis as well!!! really wish to have a good chat with them as i always used to......esp my sis.....HEHEHE!!!
wish to play piano that i long time didn't touch with.......hehehehe.....n wish to see my very cute nephew who always sing to me!!! (yupe!!! i am comforting myself with my very great imaginations now!!!)

fear to face reality??? fear to hear lots and lots of advices??? fear to be nagged and nagged??? fear to be criticized??? fear to make decisions or accept the changings??? fear to encounter with ppl?? hmmmmmm.........don't be so pressurized girl!!!!! be happy...and refreshed from the holidays coz things may get tougher and tougher as time goes....no ones going to accompany the next sem.....everyone is leaving soon.....sigh!!! ( history of loneliness might be displayed again!!! me don't want to face if it is possible!!!)

hmmmm.....stop thinking......shoo you the negative thoughts which my emo-ness and depression may arise!!!

p.s be good with dad and mum....show how much you had grown.....
p.s eat all FOOD you miss so much!!!
p.s don't be so stressed!!!
p.s be strong to face the horrible and lonely next sem after the brief holidays!!!
p.s GO TO BED NOW AND STOP THINKING!!!

(peace....peace.....p.s come to my heart now!!! i need you to calm me down......)

After The Last Tear Falls

yea....it's a very meaningful and inspiring song which i was deeply touched when i heard it in the Elim cafe service 4.....HAHAHAHA.....enjoy it!!!

remember '' everything, every moments, everytime, every incidents, every heartbrokens, every pains and hurts, every sufferings and struggles, every disappointments, every rejections, every failures,every ups and downs......AFTER THE LAST TEAR FALL....THERE IS L0V3 !!!''

EXAM...EXtraordinary Adorations as Medicine....

hmmm......yupe....
i am really stressed out during exam with terrible and horrible flu, sneeze, mild fever, and cough with lil phelgm....
But, even though how unwell my physical body is, my heart is full of appreciations and motivations and loves too!!!

yea.....firstly, i really want to thank dorothy, my dear sis who always give me the best encouragements and her prayers are really really work....and her hugsss and patience ears which always hear my problems and troubles........

Next, i also want to give my gratefulness to Gorgor cyrus who never ever leave me during my exam and when i was so sick...he really really act as my real family here.....ask me to sleep every night as my dad always do......ask me to take medicine and rest as my mum always do....check on me everyday by asking me ''how are you??'' or '' are you feel better today??'' ...he is really my gorgor....HAHA..

Then, i want to thank ginny jie who gives me a small cute pin with a very useful verse from bible which really motivates a lots. Hmmm...and Jen jie who give a row of oreo biscuit as snack and food during exam....HAHA.....she don't want me to starve with hunger during exam maybe....but i am touched though coz it's so sudden and random...

Nah.....isn't these all mean that i didn't loss but i gained a lots?? isn't these all the remedies which God gave to make me to survive through each day??

yea....Gor asked '' start to love us leh??'' i answered with happiness '' YUPE!!! LOVE YOU GUYS MUCH!!!''

Now....i know what is true love, what can make my empty heart to fill full, what can cure me from those pains and hurts, what can make me to stop my depression and emoness, what can fulfill my loneliness and so on....

yea.....i almost fully cured because i realize that even tough how sad and depressed i am, there is something which we cannot change it although how hard we try for it.....may be it is giving up but not letting go because i still want someone to be happy with his life....and live as a living human with soul everyday...it's love but it's just a care from a friend...me...grow up already!!! can able to do things without your help....can stand strong to face the challenges......can stop expect the care from you....HAHA.....i can do it all by now already!!! awesome isn't??

yea.......时间在走，人也在变，我变得不再害怕寂寞，不再会有任何期待，不再为你哭泣，我还是会想起，还是会想念，还是会感到有遗憾，但这一切似乎都升华了。。。我把我们的回忆放在心里，再也没有厌恨，再也没有埋怨，回忆是美的，是快乐的，所以我感激！！！

alone.........

eewwwwwwwwwwww.......
i stayed in the lib the whole day......
alone in the lib with lots of ppl i dont know.....
yea......i striving so hard to step into ppl life....and care for them.....
but...nothing in return to me....
who care about me???

yup...
i sick.....terribly sick....
sneeze and sneeze non stopping......
not dare to see doc coz too expensive.....
not dare to take medicine coz it will make me dizzy.....
not dare to sleep well coz will think on how to strive through tomorrow.....
not dare to expect coz it will jz disppointed me....
not dare to go lifegroup coz scare i spread the sickness to ppl......

i had already become so strong....strong till no tears to fall anymore....
but i am tired....tired of the life like this.....tired of lots and lots of pressure....
tired of searching the faith, love and hopes....
tired of hurting myself because of him.....
tired of knocking the door again....as no want reply
tired of being myself.....a little one who needs to stand strong....

when i am so weak.....You are so strong.....
when i am so down....You are the only one who knows....
when i am so tired...You are the one who i want to sing to.....
when i am so lost....You are the one who i seek for....
when i am alone....You are the only one who holds my hand....

i love this song so much ''Glorified''
''Lord , i come into your holy place,
stand in awe on your cleansing grace,
who am i that you will care for me,
i glorified, the one who died for me.
glorified..........glorified.......
let your name be lifted up
and glorified,
let the earth tremble at your name,
let your name be lifted up and glorified,

To your hands i commit my life,
day by day as a living sacrifices,
who am i that you will care for me,
i glorified the one who died for me,
glorified..........glorified.......
let your name be lifted up
and glorified,
let the earth tremble at your name,
let your name be lifted up and glorified.....''

i sing this song everytime i am so depressed and sicked........coz in the midst of suffering, i want to glorify Him though....Once i praise Him.....Once my strenght is renewed......

S.I.C.K.....

hmmm.....i changed my blog add....and noot many ppl know it.....i think only gorgor knows la....
anyway, i fall sick terribly.......running nose.....dizziness.....a lil bit fever and sorethroat too....
less than a week......EXAM!!! i dont really wish to have it actually but i have to sit......sad though...

really tired......
the mountains in front of me seems higher and higher.....
i doubt.....and disappointed...and discouraged by ppl around me....
because i am not that well in studies....i being left behind...
so...i rather choose to listen than talk...as nobody will listen to me....
felt alone......being abandoned???

nvm..it's ok!!!
there are many kinds of ppl in this world....
we cant be able to understand a person clearly or deeply....
n everyone have his or her ugly sides which we all hide so precisely in our daily life...
but all the ugly behaviours still will be shown when we don't really realize it.....
the ugly sides of a person might be scary.....might draw ppl around you further away....

because of success....somebody may betray friends and loved ones....
because of pride....somebody may hurt others with their own ways cruelly.....
because of high post.....somebody may cheat and trap ppl around them....
because of greediness....somebody may lose her/his inner beauty.....
because of EXAM.....somebody may not recognize the weak ones or look down on them.....

because of those becauses.......i kept my heart in a safest place......n not to let ''my heart'' to get sick.......i don't believe anyone.....coz i may be hurt badly in the end.....so....i don't want to open my heart to know....hear....believe....share....

i jz listen.....and listen......coz.....it's the only and better ways to avoid of sick in heart.....
S.I.C.K~~ SELF ISOLATION COULD BE OKAY!!!! (i comfort myself) ^^

HUGE.....

Yup.....i was totally lost....lost in a wide jungle without any road i can walk to...
i was chased out by the landlord today...after 10 days....
i may not have any places to stay or i will win in the arguement tmrw...
sigh......i was murmuring to myself ''How come like this??? How come??''
i blamed God again...''WHY?? WHY?? WHY??''.....
''why You want to push me to the dead end with no more road i can move towards to??''

I am so small....so little....so weak....so tired...
so unlucky also.....but i act....
act to be strong....act to be happy...
act to be nothing was happened now....
ACT....PRETEND.....

and i thought that i had became so strong...
i will not cry anymore...not even a drop of tears....
but...who knows...i did cry to myself....
assignments.....exam.....stress......now being chased!!!
i was liked '' wow.......that's a HUGE one!!! really!!!''
i lost my focus on studies......totally lost....truthfully...
lost the direction You gave......
lost the Faith to You...
lost.....lost....and lost....the only place to stay now though!!!!
ya...i am homeless.....

Now, what i had to do is to fight for the right tmrw......stdy hard tonight.....
pray to You.....seek for You consultation....and stop crying and complaining and blaming!!!

yupe...today morning....i was being complained and criticized that my epi report is not perfectly done.....is not that good as others....Dont you want to know who did that?? not my tutor...not the sickening kiwis.....is SHE......''the kiasu sarawak girl!!!!''....
i got somethings to pour out to her but i swallow it back again coz i dont want to hurt her...
'' Hey girl....don't you know that this report made me had lots of sleepless night?? don't you know that i am the only one who rearrange.....review.....correct......add more.....double check....print...and mostly do the report by myself??? Don't you ever know and experience how tired am i?? don't you ever think to help and share my burdens as you are in the group too???
don't you ever ask the progress of the whole report?? don't you ever care for ppl who sacrifice a lots to do this ??? don't you ever think of what had you contribute b4 you start to criticize on ppl works ??? don't you ever be appreciated on what ppl had done for you and your very precious marks??? DON'T YOU ???? girl.....i am so proud of myself that i can be able to finish the report without asking any help from you and the others....i am so proud that i hand in finally b4 9am although class starts at 10.....don't you know??? so.....if can....PLS SHUT YOUR MOUTH B4 I FIRE YOU!!!''

Yup.... a HUGE stone attacking me now......HUGE ONE!!!

'' a little jane who is so strong will tired also.......all she needs is You!!!''

'' Yes, I Do''

love is complicated yet it is beautiful if both compromise and mutually give and take....love may lead to marriage yet it usually takes a lots of time, preparations, energy and understanding. The most important is the ''signal'' which means the agreement from God who permit the marriage of both person.

The question that we always discuss nowadays---- '' is wrong marriage exisit??'' or '' isn't that God will show to people that their marriage is the wrong choice??''. Hmmm.....after many discussions, we all deem that there is no ''wrong'' marriage, but there is '' bad marriage''. It means the marriage may be bad but it's not a false choice to marry him or her. Once you had decided to marry him or her, he/she is your '' Mr/Mrs Right'' not ''Mr/Mrs Wrong'', there is no turning back. Let's say if you and your partner is in arrgument or quarrel , you both need to find out the main causes of problems and sit down to find out the best way to solve and compromise with each other though rather than blaming and complaining. On the other hand, if one side had betrayed another no matter physically or emotion, that may be lead to divorce, but it's still not the '' wrong'' marriage!!!

Marriage is a relationship that both entity link to become one. One has to accept another's everything. It mean the guy or girls have to accept your recent looks, characters, natures and all the good or bad as well as the changes you might have after marriage. Marriage is a very deep knowledge which everyone have their own ways to look at marriage.

Love need to surpass all things. Love cannot be demanded.

Love is not a need of an individual. Love is not a fulfillment to ur soul.

Love is not only involve jz both of you. Love must be independent and free from restriction.

Love cant be found. Love comes in the right time with the right one.

Love is beautiful . Love is sweet. Love is responsible also.

Love is planned by God. So, don't rush to get Love!!!

when you said ''you are ready!!!'' act, you are not!!!!

Say ''I love you when you mean it not when you need it!!!''

Say ''Yes, I Do!!'' in the church without regret and doubt after you had well-prepared to be responsible to people life, think and consider carefully, stand firmly in your decision that you are willing to accompany him/her till the end of life.

''yea....i did learnt a lots a lots from the great chatting with my girl friends.....I know what is true love which may lead to marriage. i was wondering why we always discuss about those stuff when recess or meet each other. It may because we are growing and maturing. Meanwhile, we are protecting ourselves from falling into love or get involve in a relationship too easily. It is because we girls didn't need a puppy love...what we want is a real true love which is fully blessed by God and it will stay till the end of our life. So, we are very careful and precise in falling into love. It is a good thing though. Can't be denied, i can say that guys in my lifegroup is very mature. They did teach us a lots as they protect us from hurt as a brother in christ. I appreciate them a lots. When i am tired or sad....they give a lots of supports and encouragements and hugs....i love you guys!!!''

So, i strongly believed that God purposely put those people in my life to change my point of views to many things. God is really a real one.....everytime when i was down...was disappointed....was doubted...was fear....was alone...He always fulfill my life with ppl and laughters....He always ask me to carry on and on.....He will never let me go......

''when you think that you had lost a lots, actually you had gained a lots and grown a lots!!!''

fb.....

yea.........i am not so dare to express myself in fb nowadays....coz many people seem to worry me so much!!! i appreciate so much!!!! yet, i still a space to express myself...to speak out all my thoughts, feelings and musing....speak honestly, i really don't want to go back this time....really!!! coz i dont want to face.....i want to escape.....from the advices from many people....i fear sit down to listen to the advices and decisions.....i fear to be nagged.....i fear to see the things i dont want to see......i fear to know the things i dont want to know......i fear.......tears dropping......

trained to be so strong.....so brave....not even fear of loneliness.........
but why i still will disappointed bout what he/she do??
why i still demand for something i cant be able to get??
why i will cant let it go???

dare or not???

'' TAKE MY FUTURE TO GAMBLE ONCE!!!!'',
'' WALK THROUGH THE NARROW GATE TO SEE THE WIDER ONE!!!''
'' RUN IN THE RACE OF THOUSANDS AND WIN THE RACE!!!''
''FIGHT IN THE WAR AND ''THRIUMPH IN THE LAST EVEN I DIE!!!''
'' BE THE RARE ONE AMONG ALL!!!''
''BE AS BRAVE AS THE DISCIPLES OF GOD TO WIN FOR HIM!!!''
''DON'T UNDER ESTIMATE YOURSELVES!!!''
''USE YOUR LITTLE BODY TO BLOCK THE HUGE STONE !!!''

lastly, i am asking myself each and every moment '' dare or not??'' , '' give up or give it a try???''

'' cry out my soul....from inside out....me, myself, a little one going to fight for You....going to block the HUGE stone which is attacking me all at once.....i don't know how much i will be suffering with....i don't know whether i can win or not.....i don't i can take the stress or not....but i am willing to give it a try!!! willing to gamble for it once although i might lose!!!''

i kneel down in front of you, to seek for your answer, to cry out my fear and pain..........

life.....

sigh........i cant stop crying......can't able to stop my tears.....
after listening to the brief talk about health science course we can take next year, i was so disappointed and sad!!! i am in dilemma now......

limited places....least chances......i need to compete with thousands of ppl to get into the course i want and there is only 5 to 10 places....5 to 10 out of thousands....isn't possible??? such a HUGE challenge i never ever met......such a BIG disappointment i never ever have....such a overwhelming stress that i couldn't stand and carry....i am lost....totally lost.....lost in the pathway i am walking.....lost in the jungle which is too wide......lost in btw the sea which don't have the final end edge......lost!!!

sorry God, i blamed you so much!! i blamed that why You makes a big joke in my life......why You want to bring me here and there when i start to love and accustomed everything??? why you want a litttle me to block the stone which is attacking me all at once??

my faith and trust on You was defeated.......i fear....i worried....i don't what to do....i want to do it....yet i cant do......sigh...restricted?? locked??? all doors are clossed??

cry....cry.....cry.....where is the hope???

lies

spring lies to ppl that it will be warm and colorful....
ppl lie to ppl that they didn't do wrong but they do...
friends lie to friends that they will help you yet no...
lover lies to lover that how much she/he loves him/her yet failed...
children lie to parents that they don't want to go school as they sick yet they jz lazy....
students lie to tutor that they did finish their job yet they haven't start....
are we all liars???

i lie to myself that i am fine and strong yet i am not...
i lie to myself it will be alright but it is not....
i lie to myself i can finish it strong but my will ask me to stop sometimes.....
i lie to myself that i am not alone as single stays long yet i am alone....
i lie to myself that you can face it yet i make myself drunk to escape...
am i a liar??

how many time we lie to God but we thought we are right??
how often we lie to God that we trust yet we don't??
how many time we lie to God we don't want to blame yet we still??
how always we say we put all our worries and fear into His hands yet we failed??
are we such a big liar?? even to our holy Father??

lies........i am tired of lying....lying to GOD....lying to myself.....lying to ppl......boosting how good i am now...how well is the place i am....how easy life going on and on......how much i had grow??

''God, i wanna to see your face...i wanna you to bring me away to any places....i don't want to face.....i am so tired.....sorry...i lied....lied to ppl around me...lied to myself...even lied to You....sorry God....''

''smiling without any real hapiness in heart.....a fake smile......a faded laughing sound.....a cold heart....a masked poker face.....that's me now!!''