You're the alpha and omega!!!

'' It's all about You, Jesus,
And all these is for You,
for Your glory and faith,
It's not about me,
as You should do things my way,
You alone are God and
I surrender!!! ''

You're the lover of my soul. Alpha and Omega, You have loved me. And i SURRENDER!!!

When everything juggled, anxieties covered, worries overwhelmed, I found out that You're carrying everything, EVERYTHING with me........I am not walking alone, not studying alone in the small cubicle in Med library everyday till it closes at the midnight, even though there's no one else anymore, But I'm very sure that You're there with me......

We were once like that...

I was studying the whole day in med lib with alicia and ben. Their actions reminded me of us. The '' together studying'', sharing food, teaching each other, nagging, grumbling...reminded me of us. We were once like that. You always and always bear on my grumpiness. We always share our food during recess. I always bring more cakes which made by my mum to share with you and you always allow me to have a bite on your chicken-frosted bun. Lols....i miss that time....That time which you'll always there for me even though we're not in a relationship. I miss the time when i always snatch your addmath book and exercises while you're doing. I miss the time we were sharing your notes and reminding each other the main point to be remembered. I miss the time you was teaching me all the sciences and math stuffs whereas i teached you sejarah instead. I miss the time when i will never ever sit alone during tuition because you'll always sit by my side.

How strange is that as we were so close so good in 5 years but never commit in a relationship??
How strange is that as everytime i went back for visit, i could feel that you're not willing to let me go by purposely make more few turns on road??
How strange is that as everytime i chat with you in msn, you are still be able to bear with me??
How strange is that as in everytime i was in troubles i am thinking of you?? thinking that how good it would be if you could be here for me??
How strange is that you always scare me that i'll misunderstand you have fallen for someone??

We were once like that......
You were once who allowed me to dream that there's a gurdian angel....
I was once to be allowed to be myself in front of you...
we were once like that.....

it's the time!!!

''Time to rise above the circumstances.'', such a well said by Jimmy.
It's less than 2 weeks. But what i had done is just less than what should be expected!!!
The challenges + the crappy weather tear me up seriously!!!

Stop dreaming Jane,
Stop thinking about the unrealistic matters,
Stop procrastinating,
Stop!!!!

You gonna to rise above the circumstances!!!
be a strong daughter of Him!!!

Mr sunshine...

Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so attractive,
you're so beautiful,
but why i don't see you??

Oh my Mr Sunshine,
you're so in need,
you're being loved,
but why you still in apathy??

Oh my Mr Sunshine,
without you, i hibernate,
without you, i binge on food,
without you, i am in cold,
So, don't you know how much how badly i am missing you??

Tears in heaven

I don't why my tears burst out when i hear this song. Like always, he starts to learn how to play this song with guitar. I was nagging at him again because of my terrible mood swing. I was wondering why he loves this so much so badly. Everday, he learn to play a little phase of the song. Actually, his playing is not that bad and annoying, just maybe i am overwhelming with heaps and heaps of burdens and anxieties. Sorry for always bearing my weaknesses.

Haha, i realise his playing on first three notes ''da da da'' is kinda similar with Eric Clapton. Woahhh....haha!!!

I will pick up this song with guitar during holidays when all of you guys leave, i promise!!!

(would you know my name if i saw you in heaven??
would you be the same if i saw you in heaven??? )

i am terrified of changes and leavings....i can't handle...
Yet, people come and go and this is the fact, which something you and i can't change
even though we are so keen to, still, it can't be changed.
sometimes, i really wish that we're all blood-related. Really wish that we're the biological bro and sis. And it's a wish which will never ever gonna to come true.
( Just a small dream from a little girl.)


Anyhow, thank you for always by my side, indeed, Thank You.

be reminded again :)

You want me to walk through the fire. But, You never want me to walk through this all by myself. You never want me to get burnt while i'm walking through the flame. Simply because You still want me to stay strong and pretty for You. And again, You tell me that i will never ever walk alone......never!!!

Thanks for reminding me that You're walking me through the fire......

You're my everything.

'' Righteousness will be His belt, and faithfulness the sash around His waist.'' (Isaiah 11:5)

He is so faithful,
faithful in every single little things,
faithful in His unfailing promises,
faithful in the ways He works.

However,
I am not,
not faithful at all,
i doubt His love,
i reckon that He's not with me,
i blamed and grumbled at Him,

if you ask me ''isn't He is your everything??'',
i might not know how to answer,
i might not say Yes,
i might hesistate before i can actually answer,

Why?? why i lose FAITH in Him??
why the track that i walk with Him becoming so tough??
why i am so doubtful of His Great Love??

I can't really feel that He is my everything,
could be said that i found it so hard for me to claim that He is actually my everything, it's just so hard for me to proclaim it.So hard!!! I could say that He is my King, my saviour, my Prince of peace, but is just so hard for me to say that He is my EVERYTHING, the everything of me and in me!!!

I know i should not doubt,
should not suspect,
should not ask why,
SHOULD NOT!!!

I really really want to be faithful to You as much as how much You're faithful to me, even though i doubt, i suspect, i fear, i insecure with Your love. I'm trying my very best, the very best to come back to the path which i used to walked with You, the very best to relook how You're working in my life with Your Great Love and the very best to sustain my Faith in You.

You're my everything,
the word 'everything' is too strong....
till hard to say yes....

broken strings...

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

sigh...should be studying!!!!
But, feels like listen to this.
n it makes me feel like the broken string.
so broken, hard to be mended,
it's broken, can't be played on.
Just so broken, impossible to make it all okay!!!

beginning and the end.

Yesterday,
he asked me '' Are you ready to finish this sem?? and looking forward to the next??''
I looked at him and say nothing....
I was in deep thought about it....
Am i ready to let it to be ended just like that??
The ''not very promising'' results,
The ''not very excellent'' english,
The ''not very sustainable'' determinations,
I should have done more,
to make it better,
to not let myself feel bad,
to not let him down,
to make them proud,
to glorify His Great Name.

I really should do more, improve more, focus more, and be determined till the very last.
I have to,
I must.

So, God, pls be with me till the very end. And I NEED YOU desperately!!!!

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. --General Patton

so, hold on!!!

Beautiful soul

so addicted to this song (jesse is so handsome!!) , esp when everything juggled.

I don't want another pretty face,
i don't want just anyone to hold,
i don't want my love goes to waste,
i want you and your beautiful soul.
You're the one i want to chase,
you're the one i want to hold,
i won't let another minutes goes to waste,
i want you and your beautiful soul.

i just want You,only You.

When there's only a little time left....

sigh....sigh...SIGH....
when there's only a little time left, i wish it could be duplicated.
when there's only a little time left, everything become a little less.
when there's only a little time left, i lost my way and focus.
when there's only a little time left, i wish to step on the brake.
when there's only a little time left, i hope to halt the time.
when there's only a little time left, biological clock goes in wrong way.
when there's only a little time left, every obligations is being juggled.
when there's only a little time left, negative thoughts all come up.
when there's only a little time left, i am becoming someone who is so impatient!!!

really unbearable to my impatience, REALLY!!!
my mood swing is jz so random and terrible, worst i could say.
he say ''be more patient. No use to yell at the food as it will not be cooked any faster.''
he say ''be more patient. I am trying my best to wash faster, sorry.''
he say ''be more patient. The singer will not sing for you eventually.''
I wonder why i am becoming so so so grumpy and naggy!!!

Devotion today :
''whatever you do,work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. (colossians 3:23) ''

In the busyness of life, it's easy to only give a half-hearted effort, it's easy to become impatient in dealing things. There's so much to do and so many insignificant, monotonous tasks that need to be completed even though you don't really feel like doing it and so we often try to get by with giving only a small amount of energy. But, that's so wrong because things will never turn out well if we didn't really give our heart on it, it will never ever be good enough to glorify His name.

I reckon this is all i have to learn to become a better person. No matter in personal growth, daily life or in academic and even in social life, i should work at them with all my heart. I should focus and give my best in the small things then it will flow through in to all the other areas of my life. Should really really be more patient, less grouchy, or else will grow old super fast!!! :(

(Upon looking around the playground He noticed me coming His way and the change in me is remarkable) --i really really wish i could say it out loudly and proudly one day!!! :)

he makes my day :)

''enjoy!! let the fun flows, then the story goes better!!!'' ( courtesy of the cute cels lecturer, Frank Griffin)

MUAHAHAHA!!!!
you know what??
He is so cute!!!
He talks about his africa's stories!!!
and most importantly,
HE MAKE MY DAY :)
i like him!!!

The 3 words...

''I LOVE YOU'',

these 3 words can mean a lots to some people,

yet it could jz be joke to some,

still, to me, i'm terrified of it,

terrified of either hearing or saying.

There are couples that commit to saying it to each other every single day, no matter what happens. On contrary, some only say it if they really, really mean it. They take the words very seriously and will refrain from saying them just as a response. There are some extreme ways of dealing with these three powerful words.

To me, i would say that i'm entirely terrified of these 3 words. I'm jz at the somewhere near the end of the extreme and see these words in fear and insecurity. Neither would i throw them around willy-nilly nor spur it out. And, it could be completely deleted or erased from my mind.

I'm jz don't really have the trust and faith in love or romance as promises always fail, expectations never come true, the feelings towards each other say bye, betrayal, unfaithfulness, changes of characteristics and many many reasons. Those pulls me down from believing it, takes away the attractions towards opposite sex, snatches away the feelings of being in loved and kills my heart till only bitterness left. So, for now, i'm not even want to fall in love to somebody and not even want to be loved. And, i don't think i'm really, indeed ready for it.

Thus, single always win, it never lie, never make you falls apart, never make your heart broken and never ever make you bitter!!!

Somehow, my mum told me, bible says '' These people will wait until they're ready to walk down aisle with someone before uttering these three words'' (2John 1:1-13). And, i believe that as much as i agree with this verse. So, wait until you're ready, then say, commit and sustain to suppress all till the very very end. God will definitely smile at you and say ''You guys make it!! well done!!! :) ''

just like them!!!! :)

door....

''when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. '' -helen keller.

So,

when one way of success closes, another opens?

when one's relationship closes, another opens?

when one door of dream closes, another opens?

so isn't when one closes, another will definitely opens?

if it's , why people always look so long at the closed one, haunted by the past, suffered from the pain, became a bitter fellow, yet still do not want to reach out to the opened ones, still do not want to accept the opened ones??

Isn't it so fun and interesting to stop, stay at the roaring strong waves which is hitting your boat from time to time rather than keep paddling till you reach the tranquil and calm sea??

the run...

what are you looking at?? hope?? faith?? love??

went to gym today,

after jud went home,

i continued to run on the machine,

to find back the determination that i used to have,

to find back the speed of motion that i used to run,

to find back myself after the storm,

to find back the faith, hope and love........

this run, not an easy one,

run in my own race, not an easy one....

while walking home,

i stare at the blue sky for few minutes,

the sky smile to me,

i smile at him too :)

Mum, You're the best!!!

Happy mother's day!!!
how much i wish to see her now...
how much i wish to go for a dinner with her now....
how much i wish to hear her naggings now....
how much i wish to sleep with her now.....
how much i wish i would be able to be with her now...

mum, those 10 things in the card which i sent to you are what you had nurtured me for years. The unfailing love, the uncountable efforts, the time, the strength and the incomprehensible cares that you had put in to my life are something which i can't be able to compensate. I am so honoured to be your child. I am so grateful that you had planted the God-given seed into my life and kept watering it to make sure that it will grow well, grow strong. I am so appreciate that you never ever give me up when i almost give up myself several times. I am so glad that you are always so understanding, accepting and forgiving. I am so blessed that i have a mum as you who i can talk to as a friend, hang out as a buddy, play with as peer.

Thanks for always and always make things possible.
Thanks for always and always give me the best.
Thanks for always and always sacrifice yours.
Thanks for always and always be there for me when i so in need.
Thanks for always and always smile for me even though i failed.
Thanks for always and always proud of me albeit i'm not the best.
Thanks for always and always love me.

Thank you for everything, mum.
i will do my very best for you, i promise.
thanks for making me someone who you can proud of today. :)

The second piece....

It's quite a bad day for me.
these 2 sheets of tissues has reminded me about the old days backhome,
when i am so down after getting my result,
i will only go to you and cry like a baby,
and you'll prepared a piece of tissue paper for me,
only the second piece of the whole packet i would use,
and only you know....

Hmm...was down today yet you're jz too far for me to cry to...
again, i hide the sadness,frustration,
coz i don't know who to cry to,
indeed, i don't have one....

i remembered everytime after i cried,
you will definitely go through my mistakes with me,
then start to remind me what i did wrongly,
and which part is my big weaknesses,
then ask me to be careful for next time...

Now, i don't even know what i did wrongly,
what i suppose to focus on,
what i should do more to improve,
what to do?? i don't understand!!!

sighhh....i found it so hard to be really crawl out from my comfort zone,
no more guardian angel,
no more free tutor,
no more soulmate,
no more second piece of tissue paper,
no more.....

too emo??
i don't think so...
jz when you really don't know what to do, how to do, you will explode.
jz when you don't have someone who can understand you and willing to listen to you,
you will definitely boom!!!

cold day....

fuiyo!!!!
nz suddenly becoming so cold,
weather is freezing,
wind is chilly,
and i can't feel my sense of touch,
-3degree in the early morning,
forcibly to be dragged up from bed,
shivering inside out,
3 layers of blankets can't win the day,
sighhhhhh.....
health deteriorating,
flatmates say i look pale,
he keeps asking 'are you sure you are okay??''
n i say ''YES!!! I'M!!! I AM JZ TOO COLD!!!''

OH, it tears me up,
i tried to hold on,
but it's too cold....
i can't feel anything,
not even have appetite for food. :(

the old one.....

It numbs more than 10 times a day....

can't even stand up when the numbs attacking......

sighhhh....what to do??

eat more calcium?? exercise?? don't sit too long??

well,

i've been there a thousand times,

feel the numbs like a thousand knives,
it's hurt, i know it's hurts.

bear it through!!!

Hold on...hold on....

You are good :)

When i am all by myself,
when i miss home,
when it's not my day,
when i am exhausted,
You are good, so good, still good......

There is none like You...

After a long and tough week,
I was entirely exhausted inside out,
I realized that
when you want to hold tight on something that you love so badly,
when you are trying so hard to get over the pain and the past,
when you are doing your very best to stop killing your heart,
when you are expecting maybe,just maybe the past could be retrieved,
when you are still hoping he still will care and think about,
when you are doing what you can to avoid yourself to see,think,care,
when you are so afraid of losing everything that you have,
when you are searching maybe there's someone who can understand you,
when you are hiding your sorrow but hanging a fake smile to face the world,

you will so tired, exhausted, wear out,
physically, emotionally, spiritually,
and the HEART.

After i had read cheng yee's blog bout 'pain' that he is having,
everyone do have the pain-- something you don't want to reveal,
He used 9 years, 9!!! to forget, to let go, to put down,
i asked myself ''how long you have to take then??''
People can take jz within a month to find a new one,
to have a new life, to get over it, to start again.
Then, why can't you jz do the same?? WHY CAN'T YOU??
WHY IT'S STILL ACHING??? STILL BE HAUNTED EVERY DAY AND NIGHT??

Nothing i can actually do to stop killing my heart,
so i surrender all to Him,
today, when i reach out my hand during worship,
i feel that i touch His hands,
the pair of hands which i am searching and longing for so long,
i can feel he is holding me tightly,
he speaks to me,
''stop searching, stop killing yourself with the past, the pain,
pass it all to me, i will take the wheel.''

suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart as You do....