BRAKE!!! brake!!!

girl, u really need to step on your brake before you go into more deeper parts!!!

well, let's all the ridiculous thoughts and missings bygones......
Phew!!! completely screwed up by my chem test today!!! i jz felt so tired and discouraged...sigh...
i am trying so hard ( try my very very best to smile everyday =) ) , yet, why i am jz felt myself broken inside?? why there's seems no remedies to cure or to jz wound it up temporarily?? If can, permanently will be great, don't you think so??

hmm...i realized so much lesson of life nowadays. I had a heart-to-heart chat these few days with my vietnam friend, ben. We chatted about dream of life, love and romance, academic life, family, friendship and etc. Well, we both are very well-acted hypocrite..we jz hide every emotion and mood to ourselves. We jz keep on trying our best to hang on the smile till the end albeit we know the result of the end is so uncertain and may not have chances to long for what we really pursue in our life.

Hmm, he was forced to going back to his home country either to continue his studies or do somethings else his parents wish him to do. He was not happy at all, i noticed. But, but, he was still hang on a charming smile all days. Yet, one day before the last physic lab we had....here comes our heart-to-heart convo....

Jane : '' why you seem down in the dumps today?? are you alright??''
ben : '' didn't i look fine?? i am fine what!!!=)) ''
Jane : ''well, u didn't seem alright okay!!! u jz look so down with a fake smile!!''
ben : ''hmm...how you notice i am not ok?? isn't too obvious??''
Jane : '' hmm...yea...kinda obvious!!! kekekeke!!! well, come on, what was happening??''
ben : '' i need to leave next year. will not be staying for HSFY.''
Jane (stunned face) : '' huh?? really?? why??''
ben (laughing) : '' jz 3 word u said!!! HAHA, u r funny girl!! ''
Jane ( confused expression) : '' wei, better tell me the reason!!! ''
ben: hey, why owen don't want to start the lab now?? already 15 mins gone!!!''
Jane ( stared at him angrily) : ehh...u ah...don't try to tune channel k?? u haven't tell me why!!
don't try to hide k...say out will be better dude!!
ben : well, it's family matters!!!
Jane : okay then...since you don't want to pour it out, i will not force. So, u wanna to stay here
right?? wish to achieve your dream har??
ben : Of course!!! don't ask me silly ques...i bet you know the asnwer!!!
Jane : okay...you don't climb up to my head!!! n watch out...i will bully u till the day u leave!!!

............................................................................................................................................................

These are only one part of the convo....short but interesting!!!

hmm...i felt bad for him, really!!! albeit he didn't want to pour out the reasons, yet i knew he didn't feel good to go back as he told me that foundy cert is no longer significant to him...so he started to miss classes....It's what we called discouraged isn't?? give up somethings we long for?? let go somethings we want so much?? What we long for is not what the life we have now!!! So, do we have the priority and right to choose b4 everything is jz well-planned by people around us??
Do we have the chances to hold on to something we wish so much??? or expectation will jz bring us down everytime?? ( That's something i can't understand....i jz can't understand why most of the expectations we have or we are looking forwards will jz fail us?! Then why we still expect?? )

That's question i keep on questioning myself....can't figure out why!!! Finding so hard to search for the answer.....arghhh...might jz either leave it or jz jz don't think too much??

i discover that solitude will let my thoughts and imaginations overflow....heaps n heaps of ridiculous thoughts and ques will jz pop out from my mind out of the sudden...isn't one way to grow up and understand the life's lesson ??

Hmm....daddy always say '' girl, don't think too much, things will turn the way God want it to be!!! You jz summit all to Him!!! ''

The matter of hearts, the struggling feelings, the insecure ones and the broken spirits n souls....i want to love you all with a BIG HEART!!!

''The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34 :18) =)))

This is the air i breathe....

yeap!! updated!!!
what did i do recently?? Hmm, i had done my seminar presentation successfully =))) n i volunteered to finish it...hehe...i really have no ideas why i have such great courage to lift my hand up when my tutor was finding someone to volunteer on that day...It's the courage from God i think...yea..He really really walked me through a 50 mins long seminar ( i know my seminar is kinda long!!!). Coz, normally, a group only presented for not more than half an hour and mine broke the record man!!! Felt kinda relax and happy after all had accomplish with god's strength!!!

Besides, after all my buddies had gone, i felt extremely down with a leaden and slumbering heart. Yet, through heaps of ''down in the dumps'' , i had grown a lil bit (It's something i definitely can't deny.) My knowledge in the lesson of life had increased bits by bits through what i had seen and experienced from different aspects ---friendship, bgr, god's grace and blessings, family and love among bros n sisters in christ. =)) Hmmm....heaps of stories to share, be patient if u r willing to know =))

Friendship, to me is an essential to let me have a normal social life as others. Yet, good friendship is difficult to either sustain or maintain. In nz, i give thanks to God for providing lots n lots of friends who always lead me to the right way when i did something wrongly or my thoughts are too ridiculous or when i think too much!!! Thanks dor, ginny, carol and heaps of them =)) as my good listeners and asvisors!!! Hope to do life more n more together in the future!!!

Here comes to bgr, BGR is boy-girl relationship. It's jz simply mean either love or romance. I jz so amazed and impressed by the couples here who i knew. ''WOW!!! U guys really show me what is true and genuine love amongs guys and girls!!! '' i was so impressed man!!! I felt sweet for them act. Such a pleasant =))) Yea, love is much more than a feelings. It is a commitment which both parties need to compromise, bear, understand and trust each other. It's such a hard-pressed stuff for me unless my future spouse loves me lots with sincere heart and is willing to step into my life without regreting. In meanwhile, he must let me step into his as well coz love is mutual. Not one jz keep on giving in yet the other one jz keep on accepting. This will only make the giver feel tired of loving and the acceptor takes things or his/her love for granted!!! Yea, i had a lil crush on someone. But, but, but, it's jz a crush!!! Well, probability for the ''chemical stuff'' to happen is kinda kinda low i think!! Well, jz let nature do its course!!! and someTHINGS matter, yet somethings don't!! Well, jz don't think too much =))) and ''it's will be alright!!'' If avoiding or ignoring is what God wants both of us do, then what can we do much on it right?? Maybe He is not the right one for me...God will jz give me the best one!!!

God's grace and blessings, woahhh!!! Blessed to be Your Name God!!! I was so amazed on every single little things You did and are doing in my life!!! It's jz amazing to know You!! hmm..due to boredom, i recently reading ''captivating'' by John & Stasi Eldredge and ''something matter;somethings don't'' by Anna Delight Jaquith. Both books teach me how to lean oAn God more instead on leaning on ppl.

'' The things in life that seem like such a huge deal when you're going through them probably won't matter that much in the big picture of life . The thing that matters most is what God thinks about you. People will fail you, but God can't fail you. He won't fail you. ''------D.J.Anna.

Family, i miss them so much!!! eeeww....miss to have great dinner with daddy n mummy n sis!!! Miss popo and all my cousins, aunties n uncles. Miss the laughter we used to have so much every gathering on saturday night. Jz miss every moment we used together!!! Yet, i thanks God for giving me a family here as well!! albeit they all are blood-unrelated with me, yet they still adore me!!! love me as family. Kudos to my church bros n sisters, esp lg ppl!! n gorgor, thanks for your very very good patience to listen my grumbling!!! Thanks for albeit knowing my weaknesses but never ever leave me when i need u. Thanks for rousing me from my slumber. Thanks for building me up but never tear me down guys!! Love you all heaps!!! =D

Lastly, i had a very great time with those who still slacking here today after the wonderful church service!!! We go bowl today after lunch in meridian!!! HAHAHA....act, i got 2 tests next week la. But someone convince me...see the conversation below:

Josh : ( hand on my shoulder on a corner)...ahem, so when is your tests grl??
jane : hmm...next tues n thurs...sigh...
josh : okay...how much it worth then??
jane : ahhhh....20 % la!!! but i got no motivation to stdy act!!
josh : have u started yet??
jane : ahem....yea...a lil bit...not much...jz don't feel like stdying..
josh : okay...let's go bowl n relax then...find some motivations from fun!!!! but, must start stdy
after this k?
jane : yea...can play!!! woooohoooosss!!! =D
melia : we teach u do bad things act...promise us must STDY at night k ?? ( staring me with big
eyes and wicked smile!!)
Then, here we go!!! enjoyed the whole afternoon sport section together n i got a STRIKE at the end!!! and at least i passed the cut-point. OOPS...sorry jen, heading u by only few marks...=))))

So....here my summer stories!!! WOW....i managed to find happiness among the boredom!!!
well, gtg back to stdy and have quiet time b4 i sleep =))) Love to have solitude with God!!! I'm loving it !!!

You can do it !!! i can't is the fact !!!

The whole world expect that '' You can do it!!!'' ,
yet , NOBODY know or realize that i can't!!! I CAN'T!!!
see....i can't....can't even practice......only tears......
God, why i so scare?? why i so weak??
why i can't do it?? where are You now??
seeking for the peace in heart but i totally failed...
no supports....no encouragements....no motivations....
Nobody cares!!!! As they always know and think that '' YOU CAN!!!''
BUT WHO is the one who knows act I CAN'T ???

dunno why....tears jz moving around in my eyes....loneliness n fear covered my heart entirely....
WHO will be the ONE who will build me up and won't tear me down???

God, i need you so much now!!! carry me through this pls as no one else will do....

who can define expectations??

hmmm....only blog again....my loyal friend....

who can define expectations??
why expectations always lead to failures??
why you know that will be a failure and you still hold tight on ur expectations??
what do you expect me to be??
why my heart so fragile??
why ignorance is a bliss sometimes??
why ppl will walk away from you whenever they wish to??
why my innocence always believe though i know you will leave??
why can't be simple??
why want to build me up then tear me down??

i can't understand....isn't me believe ppl too easily?? yes i guess.....so there are always disappointments and hurts...

learn to be mature...to be real....to be independent.....is jz too difficult!!!

let it go....

Hmm.....i supposed to accomplish my seminar presentation by tonight....but, i did blogging again...

Today, i realized everything had changed even human's heart....
Finally, i realized that relationship is jz a need....a need of we both yet it's not love tho....
I didn't have disappointments after finishing the ''Hi-Bye'' process...i jz felt so relieved coz i did it!!!

LET IT GO...
something which is not mine n yours,
something which is jz a need n comfort,
something which is all in the rush,
something which sincerity is fake,

LET IT GO...
something which we did wrong..
something which cause hurts....
something which is no return paid...
something which is impossible...

previously, i thought ''let it go'' is jz a phrase which is extremely hard to turn it to action, yet, experience is the best teacher to teach us the way we should do to stop ourselves from suffering. What a relief ?! ''LET IT GO'' is jz need a heart with willingness and forgiveness...once you decided to let go, u must have a fixed heart. To have a fixed heart means to have our mind made up so that we are not going to change it.

A steadfast heart....
everything changed....
you n her or the 'she'....
not my matters anymore...
perhaps a ''Hi-Bye'' is a surplus...
yet ''friendly'' is my nature...
if felt annoying...jz ignored....
i can able to take it...
as i already did my part as a friend...

A steadfast heart....
i jz want to be determined...
stay positive and happy...
walk in the peace of God...

''sometimes, what i need is jz a listening ears which can bear my grumbling esp when the moment ''i am not alright''........n that's all....''

rolling my tiring eyes...listening to the songs....and it's time to continue my assignment....hmmm....GO!! gO!! Go!!!

Who will u fight for?? n who will fight for u after all??

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

p/s : Is love worth to fight for?? then who will u fight for?? n who will fight for u after all??

my ans : Only Him ---The Above One

没感情

如果人是没感情的动物，那会不会过得更好呢？
因为没感情，所以不懂受伤的感觉，
因为没感情，所以不懂想念的心情，
因为没感情，所以不懂爱人的滋味，
因为没感情，所以不懂被爱的美好，
因为没感情，所以不懂关心的重要，
因为没感情，所以不会为他人担心，
因为没感情，所以不会为他人哭泣，
因会没感情，所以不懂什么是幸福，

没感情，让人心疼，同时，让人觉得可怕。。。。

haha...my musing....what if a person who is without feelings?? how he/she going to live normally?? hmmm...i wonder...is creepy though!!! But, to me, everyone is trying so hard to hide n keep their feelings n relationship coz they don't want ppl who care about them to worry..are we keep on growing to be strong each day?? or we had already grown so much??

No matter what happened.....we jz choose to be brave instead of weak....aren't we growing???

p/s : i miss him....but i know he want me to be brave.....

swallow...

blog ah blog....
i know you are the only one willing to hear my grumbling!!!
n now u are the on who are free to hear....

i don't know why my tears jz keep on falling....it's jz like waterfall...non-stopping...
sigh....seminar presentation is coming so soon....i didn't really prepare well....n i have no confidence at all...or it can be said that i don't have any mood to either study or prepare it well....jz randomly let the time flies and i even hope the time passes faster n faster each day...

me...escaping?? avoiding?? scare of?? fear of?? masked myself?? poker face?? too emo n drama?? i can't even really figure out my feelings or mood now!!! It can be described with jz a word ''NUMB''.....
i jz unable to feel anything.....jz numb towards everyday life....how come i become like this??
my life was already so dramatic.....why it couldn't be simple a lil bit?? as simple always goes good!!

hmmm......challenges, expectations, fear, and discourage bring me down!!! yea....undeniably, i am someone who loves to grumble and GRUMBLE!!! But, it's so hard to have someone who i can really grumble with except God!!! He is the healer of everything....n He will walk me through fire...

Well, i don't know why i jz swallow everything that i wanna to speak out.....can't really be honest to ppl n myself...so can't be happy....so there comes a Poker Face!!!

A shoutout : ''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......I AM SO TIRED!!! God, give me a way to follow
you, give me miracles, give me courage, give me expectations that will never fails,
shoo away my tears, shoo away disappointments, shoo away everything that's not
belong to me!!! God, if is not belong to me, jz pls don't show me.......God, thank you
everything....and sorry....''

i'm not alright!! jz broken inside.......broken inside.........

is jz so down....

today i am jz so down....can't even give ppl a proper smile....can't even give myself a happy face...
hmmm...after schooling, i went to my flat next year to have a look of my bed and discuss things bout flat account. Sigh...i realized that i have to stay alone and is all alone in a house for a month. How sad??How disappointed?? How am i going to live through everyday?? hmm....it's scary!!!

I felt like crying.....coz i really don't know how to live without ppl staying with me....how tough it will be?? i don't want to neither think nor imagine. It will make me feel worst though...n is so worst. Tears drop....n it's jz drop due to my fear n timidness. I realized that i need to contact the landlord myself to ask for permission to stay on Jan next year and get the key of course. n I have to call the power company to allow the electricity to run during the whole month as well as the internet. n Then, i need to do flat account with kim n learn to use internet banking n trademe to get all my stuff for flat next year. sighhhhhh.....is jz too complicated!!!

hmmm...i find it so hard to tell mummy n daddy coz they will be super worried u see...is jz too sigh...how am i going to open my mouth to tell?? how ?? it's so hard as they will be really really worried. In order not to let them worry, i can only bear through the whole month. i am wondering '' how much i have to grow within that month?? can i stand it?? or i will jz collasped?''
Can somebody tell me how am i going to live through that month?? DON'T TELL ME TO BE STRONG!!! as i know i am not!!!

'' Where are You now that i am crying again?? Where are You now that i hurting?? where are You now that i need You my friend?? Where are You now that i searching?? Why do You seemed to be so far away?? Why is it always crying?? Why am i trying to hiding?? When will it be the way that you dream?? How should i firm in the meantime?? When will my faith be above n no war?? When will i not have to hold anymore?? ''

I am broken.....hope see......failure......tell me.....answer....but i don't understand!!!
You said your mans are broken hearts too, You said your love can arrive.
I am tired of this!!!

God.....pls come to me.....i know You will carry me thourgh the fire!!!!

I am broken....

只是想。。。

谁说我不害怕?
我害怕了，真的。。。
害怕上英文，
害怕找不到资料，
害怕没准备好，
害怕我不会做，
害怕做不好，
害怕一间家只有自己，
害怕一个人时想起你，
害怕失去所以不期望，
害怕跟你说多你不理，
害怕我并没有那么坚强，
害怕自己不小心哭泣，
害怕脸上失去笑容，
害怕受伤所以不想爱，
害怕太过明感你离开，
害怕，全都害怕，

所以能多坚强就多坚强，
能多勇敢就多勇敢，
能笑多久就笑多久，

但现在的自己就只是想哭泣。。。。

'' u jz know how depressed and in distress ppl around u r, n u jz know i should be happy instead of depressed....u will comfort ppl around u who is in distress but u will never ever bother me when i am the one who is in distress...n i jz know that u will leave me or not even want to bother me when i am emo....coz u said ''being emotional will draw ppl around u away...so do you!! '' hmm....so....see....r u satisfied now with who i am?? a happy n strong girl who will never ever cry ?? do u really think that u can control ppl emotion by jz say so?? do you have the right to do so?? do you ever be considerate enough to think for ppl in her/his position?? isn't he / she want to be emotional?? or they are really frustrated with somethings?? or they jz feel discouraged due to certain reasons??

'' i am avoiding hope to protect myself against being hurt.....is not the right action i know, yet at least i can feel better.....n u will never ever understand!!!''

Pick It Up...Pick him up.....

I was listening to my sis cousin conversation with her friend about the flat to stay next year. To cut the story short, Lastly, they both decided to rent a 6 rooms flat to stay. Her friend knows my bro cousin, oscar well though as we all are from the same state of msia, Johor. Hmmmm...However, due to his hatred towards my bro cousin, he doesn't even mention to stay with him next year as he knows my bro cousin is finding flat for next year u see...i was so angry but i did keep quiet and calm.....but the monster inside was frustrating and burning with anger....yet, i controlled my irritability finally as i heard a calling from God ''JANE, CONTROL IT!!! JZ BEAR....WILL BE FINE...OKAY??''

Then, when i was surfing internet, accidentally i wished so much to listen to Planetshaker songs. I chose a song which on titled ''Pick It Up'' as these 3 words hit my heart strongly as if God wanted me to know sometime or a message. Hmm....yea....last but not the least, i knew what God was trying to hint me......''Pick Him Up my girl!!!''

Him=my bro cousin, oscar, he is someone who is not that bad actually, jz naughty, want attentions from ppl and stubborn sometimes as i think maybe he lacks of insecurity and some love from peers as no ones willing to approach to him, not even will lend him a hand when problems come. It's so sad to hear about it as ignorance is not a bliss yet maybe hostility!!!

To me, i adore n love him. I was struggling whether to help or not to as some conflicts did happen btwn us previously. However, i decided to help and try my very best to help as he is the only bro cousin i have here and i am the only blood-related relative here. ''If even me give up on him, who else will be approachable enough to go near to him to either care for him or help him ?? WHO?? '' As God will not give up anyone of us even the beggar on the roadside, why don't human being just give him a chance to be alived ???

Pick him up from the darkness and evil with God's strenght and mercy. By god's grace, i hope i can make it. Don't step aside from him, go into the world of the rotten apples as they will have their uses....don't they?? Give him a chance to become a better one.....believe him as support....care about him by speaking to his life....don't close the doors for him as you dont have the right to do so!!!

''An ugly caterpillar will turn into a colourful butterfly one day if you don't kill it and give it a chance to be alived....so does a rotten apple!!!''