like a porcupine

after the last smile,
after they left,
my tears fall,
they jz keep on falling without brake,
i felt like crumble in these days,
physically n mentally totally broke down....
n i had a research essay to pass up on the 5th..
but, i had never started yet..
helpless....jz so faze n fearful...
i wonder how am i gonna to submit it....sigh..

flatting by myself,
isn't that easy,
i don't know how to open n use the electric stove,
i used two days to clean the whole house,
from sweeping, vacuuming, wiping the kitchen, washing plates n cups,washing the toilet, cleaning my room, arranging my stuffs, fixing the bookshelf (it's really tough), buying groceries from supermarket, washing all the bedlinens n clothes n etc...
i was crumbled after those cleaning tasks....
ohhh...mummy!!! where r u??
i cried to myself n only myself...
i lied to mum n dad ''i'm okay although all by myself''...
i smiled in front of peers, cousins n family...
i never ever dare to ask for help (unless i really can't do it)
i never ever complaint or grumble to others...
i jz hiding all my internal fears n matters precisely n carefully....
coz i don't know who are going to listen to me??
who can i tell?? or who care??
Only HIM, The big papa up there...
n this faithful blog...

2009,
i had been tried so hard to step into ppl life....
i had been learnt so hard to practice their cultures n languages (i don't good at eng)
n the ways they speak n chat n of course their interests..
i had been in masked face for so long time..
i had been expecting too much from ppl n lastly came to only disappointments...
i had been done my best to greet my good friends in my hometown but no one will greet me instead, not even a simple ''how are u?''.....
i had been learnt to be independent n mature in whatever i do...
i had been trying my best to please everyone..n to hang out..

Yet,
who's willing to step into my life??
who's willing to understand the real me??
who's willing to jz ''say hello'' to me from hometown n not forsake me??
who's willing to support me n hear from me??
who's willing to make me grow in everything??

I don't know...i really don't...
i don't have the security i used to have....
i don't have the trust to ppl who may be hurted me one day...
i don't have the faith in whatever i do although i really want to do it well...
i don't have the hope in almost everything....

I am like a porcupine...
full of sharp thorns...
to protect, to fight, to cover up...
only left a little bit pride...
after casting off the gorgeous look...
loneliness n helplessness, aren't they pathetic??
i don't know...

I am like a porcupine...
protect myself by losing trust on ppl..
acts as a hypocrite..
masked with courage...
not easily look through by ppl...
i thought i am strong n is stronger than i think....
yet, i am not...

The firmness of a porcupine is only an illusion or gloss.....so do i..

我承认我没那么坚强，不过是一而再地逞强，小心把情绪收藏，刺猬的坚强全都是假象....哭吧...