live dead ???

sigh......SIGH......
the first day of the second sementer was really really really SIGH!!!!
OKAYS...i was totally late to the first lecture...
then, i got my new timetable but....
my teacher are all SIGH....not really good ones.....all will jz make me sleep in class!!!

my expectations fail....
the whole uni seems like a dead tree which is totally lack of water and sunshine....it is jz too too bored n quiet.....actually, i was backed with a cheerful and excited heart....and hope so much that some of the boring teacher will not teach me....but the results was totally opposite....sigh.....

yea....all of us were like live dead zombies walking in the rain with chilly wind....no energy at all!!!
Hey guys....where was the strong energy you all used to have??? where was it gone?? WHERE??
Hmmmp.....i am a living entity with dead soul now.....no more excitement, no more laughters, no more yellings, no more '' byebyesssss'' to be heard from friends, no more '' How are you??'' to be asked, no more expectations.....it is jz too DEAD!!!

i was listening to the topic of '' seminar presentation'' the whole day.....n i felt stress!!!! There are 2 main assignments for english ''research essay'' n '' seminar presentation''....sigh.....STRESS!!! n i felt that the foundation building seems like haunted house ey, it is so quiet n all the tutors are missing....so scary....i was waiting outside one of the room alone...n it is the last room of the whole roll....hmm....so scary ey.....i miss those noisy sounds which everyone always waiting n chatting.....i miss the walking sounds of each n everyone....i miss the door opening sound which always jz too hard n loud....i miss i miss i miss everything!!!!

raining....
with an umbrella.....
walking on the quiet pace....
pushing by the strong wind.....

each step....
with a pair of inactive legs....
walking in the loneliness precisely....
strong wind broke the only umbrella....

accompaniments.....
with an expecting heart......
walking n walking still no ones.....
wind destroys the weak body cruelly....

physically....
with a strong immunity initially.....
walking with strong body which defeated all.....
yet, all turn to be weaker n weaker as days passes....

days by days....
praying with a sincere heart.....
yet, things turn another ways round....
i am not sure whether i am live or dead....
i am not sure whether when i can live....
or when will i die physically, spritually , mentally.....

live dead soul.......you are scary n torturing!!!!

my lil strong nephew....

hmmm, i felt that i am so useless when i saw how strong is my lil nephew who is only 3 years old...he had food poisoning last few days and being hospitalized for a night. We all are so worried about him coz he is so small in size. When the nurse wanted to pierce the needles into his small n skinny arms to get some blood n another one is to provide some glucose to him to make him alive, he didn't even cry...not even yelled or shouted....how strong he is???


i was standing by the bed to see what the nurse going to do to him. I even felt chilled when i saw the needles go into his fair flesh, i felt not good at all. Heart is pain when i saw the scene.....it's really cruel.....but no choice, to heal him from sickness, this is the only way u see....the only way...


i have a lots of thoughts after i saw the happening of whole incident....heart-striking but it's a good lesson which really inspired me....how useless am i who needs a 3 years old boy to teach me to be strong?? if he can make it....why can't i?? i should be strong as him....no shout, no tears, no blamings, no demands, no complaints, n no more making myself struggling till lost the pouching of heart and the living soul....



what dororthy said is truth.....why don't you try to let go as time flies??? you said you wanted to let go but your love tight your heart too tight till you can't see what is in front of you!!! This will only make yourselves struggle!!!! Pls try to do what you had told yourselves to....at least you tried....don't be fear!!! It's a good time for you to speak to the Lord, to close to Him, to lean on Him as much as you can and to love Him as He does!!!

There is a line between love and myself. Do i step both my feet on the love side or the side of myself??? or vice versa?? Do i jz tickled my toes on the love side but more to myself?? hmmm....i think i am the one who step both my feets on the love side and totally forget how to love myself more...it's the wrong way i know....it should not be like that...i should love myself more rather than give too much but nothing in return and end with strugglings.....i should be strong....should be cheerful....should be brave.....should LOVE MYSELF as God loves me so much!!! keepppppp theeeeeee faithhhhhhh my girl!!!

after the whole incident, my lil nephew still hang his lovely smile on his face although i know he is in pain. Yet, he jz smile.....a strong smile which inspired me so much to forget the pain n the past to continue life each day and to run towards the end with strong willpower n faith!!!

See.....how strong he is.....i can also be....it's only the matter i am willing or reluctant to really really put it down from heart...not sayings only but really do it....really go through the tough times to wait upon the sweet ones to appear or approach to me one day!!!

God always use different ways to push me up, to remind me and to mend me by his potter hands.....once i regreted that my tears fall in front of him as he asked for the chances, once i blamed myself when i spoke harsh words although my intention is good, once i let the matters be anyways as it will turn to, once i carried all the sins on my own shoudlers and once my heart stop pouching as it was tired of loving and more.....yet, i realized that i learnt a lots from love...love is more than a feeling, it's commitment which needs loyalty, responsibility n trust!!! I am learning to be more mature after mourning......n i am WILLING to be!!!

hmmm......need to go back to nz by tomorrow!!! mummy asked '' are you afraid??'' i was stunned by her asking actually but i replied ''No, i am not!!!''....HAHA...It's jz words to let her feel less worries.....Actually...i did feel afraid.....maybe there might be lesser n lesser supports from ppl but maybe this is the time God wants me to be closer n closer to Him each day.....hmmm....shooooooo all the insecure thoughts n feelings.........haha........i want to survive even though no ones by myside but You will always be there i know!!!

Going to miss Malaysia so much so much!!! Going to miss you guys here so much so much!!! Going to spend my last day in Malaysia this year (2009)!!! Going to run Run RUN towards the end STRONG!!!!

累了的心。。。

我的心累了，真的好累了，
充满爱的心突然失去了跳动，
眼神失去了爱的光芒和火花，
行动也失去了活泼的灵魂，

我的心累了，真的累得停了，
付出的永远都没结果，
只会付出的我尽了全力，
但又有谁会爱惜与珍惜？？

我的心累了，爱得好累了，
你似乎不明白，似乎不知道，
我在你面前笑，但你不懂，
在你转身离开后，
我的眼泪不知觉得掉了。

我不是你想像得那么勇敢，
我也需要爱和鼓励与关怀，
我害怕听到你和她的一切，
我的心没有办法承担，
我爱得还累，心好累，
真的好累。。。。

(Finally, i realized how different we are, how different the world we are in n how hard to get through those differences......yea, i am tired, so do my heart, somebody love me pls come to me to awake me from everything, to heal me from the tiredness, to push me up, to slap me if you want to pls hold my hand to walk through....)

i listened to ''Healer'' by hillsongs for many times.....tears fall....but i still trust in You as You walk me through the fire!!!

5 and is ONLY 5...

hmmm...left only 5 days in msia in year 2009....
how was the holidays like??? sad because of loss?? happy because there is pure love from friends n family??

me choose the ''HAPPY'' ending!!!
yoyoyo.....i realized that how daddy love me in various today!!! i give all of my time to daddy today...it was really joyful to have a daddy like this!!!

flashed back to yesterday night.......
my whole family were eating dinner together....out of sudden, i told them ''i want to eat roti canai n i have only 5 days left n it was only 5 in msia year 2009!!!'' . I knew i was funny to say like that but i wanted to be happy and enjoy to the fullest in these 5 days although there was sad incidents happened in previous days. Then, i was telling stories about how funny n interesting was my 4 months nz life n nobody could be able to imagine or experience as there were hard times but there were happy moments though. Not every moment is hard or tough, it only depends on how you look at them..how was your point of views towards those times...To be honest, i learnt a lots of things n knowlegdes which cannot be taught neither in school nor books. Tears fell many times during hard times but they made me grow each day....i learnt to view from different perpectives....so to me '' every ''tiredness'' or ''hardships'' , there is a beautiful lesson or purpose behind!!!''

to cut the story short,
This morning, after i had waken up, i saw a piece of roti canai on a plate in kitchen....aaawwww....how great is daddy's love??? i smiled to the roti canai and ate it with heart of gratefullness!!!

then, daddy brought me to see dentist...hmmm....to wash my teeth la!!! Daddy said '' well, it cost me rm 40 to wash ur teeth...hmmm....hmmm....what u shud do then??''
i was like '' what?? what are you trying to hint me my dear daddy?? suddenly, there was a click on my mind.....a phase ''thank you, i love you dad!!!'' came out of my mouth....HAHAHA....'' i was not used to say that....but i did say it with heart of gratefullness also!!!!

In the evening....daddy brought me n sis to go yumcha.....it was really a sweet moment indeed!!! having tea with my daddy is something cool!!! coz i can eat a lots without paying a cent!!!
HAHAHA....Having daddy by side...there are good food to eat man!!! hehe..

To sum up a day, it was a sweet one!!! i didn't think bout any sad things, didn't show out my sad expressions, didn't wish to be sad anymore and jz wanna to enjoy in the last 5!!!

''gorgor told me '' Do as much as you can in the days u left!!!'' . YUPE!!! 5 and ONLY 5....me going to wait for my dear liwen n siong to be backed!!! n had a lunch with Jit!!! n packing things in order not to be embarassed in airport again!!! n spend time with Daddy n Mummy!!! n give hugsss to my dear friends!!! ''

after the last 5, me going to start a new adventure with those loves from u all....n the FOREVER LOVE from Him!!! stay strong my girl!!!

a day full of love....

hmmm....


this saturday is a day which is full of LOVE....


from the very early morning, i supposed to go to mountain climbing with a friend but i cant able to find him and i was totally lost man!!! But, he did fetch me for breakfast...thx my bro....happy to have a great chat with you...HAHAHA...


then...somethings happened but sweet!!! hmmm....SECRETTTT!!!!

but, totally touched by the song ''sometimes when we touch'' by Dan Hill...it's exactly how i feel now...i did break down and cry which is somethings unexpectedly happened, but i felt disappointed indeed after i saw something....but what can i blame for??? who can i blame then??? why should i blame??? i cry because i fear...jz fear....i did not want to speak out but tears fall....and it keeps on falling with internal pains which i scare of....i don't know what to do but i told myself not to cry anymore...n this is the last time for the rest of the life....you worth to have a better one...don't you???

then....i have a group of lovely friends who adore and love me so much......they sing to me and all are guys....are the 4 cool guys in my f5 class.....i was touched by each of them.....
~p/s weichong....thx for the courage that you be able to pour out ur lovely and deep voice to sing to me....i was touched really!!!
~p/s jensen.......thanks for your funny expressions and voice and acts which will make me laugh out loud everytime....i know u really cherish the friendship we have....i know you really love me as good sister....thx you!!!
~p/s kokwei.....ohhh...i love your cute voice while you are singing...hahaha...thx you kok wei....everytime make me feel comfort...everytime let me laugh and smile....jane really appreciate lots....really the genuinely love among peers..
~p/s guosheng (siffu).....aawwww.....i realized that you miss me so much from every songs you sing to me....aaaawwww....it's so sweet....really....i don't know that u reallly love me so much man!!! siffu...pls live and strive hard everyday.....this is what u told me b4....i hope u will also...thx siffu.....really really love n miss the moments we had b4...i know ur surrounding will be quiet n boring without my voice which always disturb u....hahahaha....

lastly...p/s i love you guys!!! really!!! not because the songs u all sang for an hours....but because the heart you all have to me....a pure love among peers n each n others....how lucky am i to have u all in my life??? how great the love is ???

i believe after the last tear fall.....there is L.O.V.E.....

''you all know i am not that strong....so you all give the greatest encouragements to stay strong every moments.....yea....i am not that strong....heart is fragile...i am tired.....tired of love...tired of expectations....tired of pressure...but, i know that behind every ''tired'' , there is a beautiful flaws---an imperfect but beautiful one!!!''

wondering.....

i sit down in front of the laptop today and listening to ''after the last tear falls'' for many many times. In meanwhile, my mind flashes back what i had done the whole day....it's sweet today!!!



okays....i am wondering about the lyric of this song....i am asking to myself '' is there love after the last tear falls???'' or '' isn't only somethings that we use to comfort ourselves???'' or '' isn't somethings that might only happen when miracles come???'' or '' where is the love???''



i know i got lots of ques...but isn't that every que has its solutions or answers???

To me....there is definitely NO!!!

coz love is somethings we wish so much but we don't have faith to get or to maintain it, love can be somethings which may inspire and encourage us to stay strong in each steps we are going to go through although we have to be alone, love can be somethings which brings you lots memories which u may remember the whole life, love can be somethings which teaches you to stand strong in every moments......

sometimes we might lost ''love'' but we gain more than that, isn't???
at least we know how to stand up after every heart brokens.....we know how to continue life without loved ones by side.....we know that we can do somethings tough by ourselves without begging for helps or aids....we know that we actually are someone who is so STRONG and AWESOME!!! Isn't somethings great???

how much i had changed??? how much i had grown??? how awesome am i???

less dependant?? more independent??? less complaint??? more appreciative???

''life might be tiring...you might be tired of life...but life can be beautiful....you can beautify your life with lots of sweet memories and loves!!! why don't you try??''

'' there is times i cry to myself....there is times i reject to cry...there is times i fear....there is times i told myself not to be afraid of.....there is times i scare about love.....there is times i protect myself from getting hurts....so my heart is fragile....once it breaks....it needs time to be mended...it needs genuine love to nurture my hope and faith towards LOVE!!!''

so....isn't there love after the last tear falls???

11....

hmm.......11 days to go to fly back.....to start the second sem.....
what i did in this holidays which had brought lots sweet memories???
hmmm....i guess is swimming today!!!
coz i did drink lots of flourine water when i swam.....maybe long time didnt swim i guess.....almost for years already....but it was fun indeed!!!
haha....hmmm.....

something we did not speak out didn't mean that we are not consider or pay attention of...
something we did not pour out didn't mean that we are not fear or scare of....
example 1 : when i swim today, i did drink lots of flourine water and water goes into ears, but i didn't say out or complaint....maybe i had grown up.....choose to appreciate and cherish the sweet moments i had rather than did much complaints and demands....
example 2 : i really want to cry because of fear of the upcoming next sem which i need to encounter it alone, but i didn't....not even a drop of tear fall....maybe i had became so strong till i am able to face everything by myself and i know Him is more than enough....and only Him will never ever leave me alone as He loves me!!!

thanks for the great hug.....thanks for the sweet moments.....thanks for everything....
me satisfied with what i have now......
me going to fight for what i want in the future......
me going to live for Him forever in my imperfect life......
me going to be cheerful in my last 11 days in msia....

'' He will mend the imperfect ones and lives to be better each day.....don't you wonder why don't He mend them into perfect ones like Him?? coz He is God, we are only human.....He is perfect but we might not....however we are SPECIAL in His eyes!!! and that's more than enough...don't you think so???"

(learnt to be cheerful.....learnt to be satisfied.....learnt to be appreciative.....learnt to stay strong each day....learnt to inspire n motivate someone i care....learnt to love n care in different ways....learnt to be mature day by day!!!)