wondering.....

i sit down in front of the laptop today and listening to ''after the last tear falls'' for many many times. In meanwhile, my mind flashes back what i had done the whole day....it's sweet today!!!



okays....i am wondering about the lyric of this song....i am asking to myself '' is there love after the last tear falls???'' or '' isn't only somethings that we use to comfort ourselves???'' or '' isn't somethings that might only happen when miracles come???'' or '' where is the love???''



i know i got lots of ques...but isn't that every que has its solutions or answers???

To me....there is definitely NO!!!

coz love is somethings we wish so much but we don't have faith to get or to maintain it, love can be somethings which may inspire and encourage us to stay strong in each steps we are going to go through although we have to be alone, love can be somethings which brings you lots memories which u may remember the whole life, love can be somethings which teaches you to stand strong in every moments......

sometimes we might lost ''love'' but we gain more than that, isn't???
at least we know how to stand up after every heart brokens.....we know how to continue life without loved ones by side.....we know that we can do somethings tough by ourselves without begging for helps or aids....we know that we actually are someone who is so STRONG and AWESOME!!! Isn't somethings great???

how much i had changed??? how much i had grown??? how awesome am i???

less dependant?? more independent??? less complaint??? more appreciative???

''life might be tiring...you might be tired of life...but life can be beautiful....you can beautify your life with lots of sweet memories and loves!!! why don't you try??''

'' there is times i cry to myself....there is times i reject to cry...there is times i fear....there is times i told myself not to be afraid of.....there is times i scare about love.....there is times i protect myself from getting hurts....so my heart is fragile....once it breaks....it needs time to be mended...it needs genuine love to nurture my hope and faith towards LOVE!!!''

so....isn't there love after the last tear falls???

11....

hmm.......11 days to go to fly back.....to start the second sem.....
what i did in this holidays which had brought lots sweet memories???
hmmm....i guess is swimming today!!!
coz i did drink lots of flourine water when i swam.....maybe long time didnt swim i guess.....almost for years already....but it was fun indeed!!!
haha....hmmm.....

something we did not speak out didn't mean that we are not consider or pay attention of...
something we did not pour out didn't mean that we are not fear or scare of....
example 1 : when i swim today, i did drink lots of flourine water and water goes into ears, but i didn't say out or complaint....maybe i had grown up.....choose to appreciate and cherish the sweet moments i had rather than did much complaints and demands....
example 2 : i really want to cry because of fear of the upcoming next sem which i need to encounter it alone, but i didn't....not even a drop of tear fall....maybe i had became so strong till i am able to face everything by myself and i know Him is more than enough....and only Him will never ever leave me alone as He loves me!!!

thanks for the great hug.....thanks for the sweet moments.....thanks for everything....
me satisfied with what i have now......
me going to fight for what i want in the future......
me going to live for Him forever in my imperfect life......
me going to be cheerful in my last 11 days in msia....

'' He will mend the imperfect ones and lives to be better each day.....don't you wonder why don't He mend them into perfect ones like Him?? coz He is God, we are only human.....He is perfect but we might not....however we are SPECIAL in His eyes!!! and that's more than enough...don't you think so???"

(learnt to be cheerful.....learnt to be satisfied.....learnt to be appreciative.....learnt to stay strong each day....learnt to inspire n motivate someone i care....learnt to love n care in different ways....learnt to be mature day by day!!!)

For Myself....

Sigh....

finally, i found some time for myself to talk to my blog....cant able to sleep actually....

my ''pretending'' acts and skills are becoming more and more professional la!!!

not happy but have to act like i am very very happy and cheerful...

hmmm....that's not me okay???



So many ppl to meet....so many things to do....so many advices and nags from ppl....

me is really tired to hear those things.....but still have to smile and listen, smile to face ppl, smile to say '' I am so good!!!'' and smile to give responses when ppl asked!!!

well, i want to have some time to take a deep and long breath.....i want to have some fun with somethings that will excite me...i want to play CANDLES as you all did as i always see hopes with lots candles lit with small beams of lights which are so beautiful so nice....but, i didn't have the chance though....

well, need to act like a mature person, talk in mature ways, explains in mature thoughts, smile in mature styles and even laugh in mature patterns.....me is tired to do this!!!!



don't you ever know i want to find back the childhood life??? play candles with friends....eat mooncakes....talk ghost stories.....have a lovely walk in the middle of night with small beam of lights and sing together too!!!! kays....i know....i imagine too much...there is too much.....



However, i still give thanks to what i have....what i had learnt and gained....HAHAHA.....still wish to laugh out loud though...wish to hug someone to cry though....wish to take away the masked face though....wish to shoo away the fake happiness though.....if can, give me jz ONE day to do what i really wish to....for myself to really experience the ''childhood'' life.....it may be childish but at least i am happy right??? HAHAHA ( p/s stop imagine!!!)



hmmm.....i listened to the song ''healer'' by hillsongs for almost 30 times.....

i cried to myself and surrender to You as



''You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease''



so i trust in You....

whether how bad the condition might be......how tough the life is.....how unhappy i am.....how lonely i will be....how fear filled my heart without peace and calm....

i still trust in You for the rest of my life......as You loves me and there is LOVE!!!

time to go.....

yea......2 more hours to go to airport and begin my journey back home!! hmmm.....
i am trying to ask myself '' girl, are you ready to be backed??? are you??'' , i did scare and fear.....
but, i really have no ideas why there is no peace in my heart when the time is nearer and nearer....i felt like blogging coz no ones to talk and share with or i don't how to pour it out in words......so i can feel the good and bad thoughts are fighting with each other right now.....isn't something cool???

how can i really describe the mixture of complicated feelings to be backed this time??? i kinda have a little bit of excitement yet a feeling of chicken-hearted outweights it. Can anyone tell me why??? why there is no peace in heart??? it's so strange!!! even me, myself can't able to find out the reasons......fear?? stress?? nervous??

yea....what can really attract and comfort me now is the FOOD in my hometown.....HAHAHAHA!!!! n my warm bed and toilets too!!! n mummy, daddy n sis as well!!! really wish to have a good chat with them as i always used to......esp my sis.....HEHEHE!!!
wish to play piano that i long time didn't touch with.......hehehehe.....n wish to see my very cute nephew who always sing to me!!! (yupe!!! i am comforting myself with my very great imaginations now!!!)

fear to face reality??? fear to hear lots and lots of advices??? fear to be nagged and nagged??? fear to be criticized??? fear to make decisions or accept the changings??? fear to encounter with ppl?? hmmmmmm.........don't be so pressurized girl!!!!! be happy...and refreshed from the holidays coz things may get tougher and tougher as time goes....no ones going to accompany the next sem.....everyone is leaving soon.....sigh!!! ( history of loneliness might be displayed again!!! me don't want to face if it is possible!!!)

hmmmm.....stop thinking......shoo you the negative thoughts which my emo-ness and depression may arise!!!

p.s be good with dad and mum....show how much you had grown.....
p.s eat all FOOD you miss so much!!!
p.s don't be so stressed!!!
p.s be strong to face the horrible and lonely next sem after the brief holidays!!!
p.s GO TO BED NOW AND STOP THINKING!!!

(peace....peace.....p.s come to my heart now!!! i need you to calm me down......)

After The Last Tear Falls

yea....it's a very meaningful and inspiring song which i was deeply touched when i heard it in the Elim cafe service 4.....HAHAHAHA.....enjoy it!!!

remember '' everything, every moments, everytime, every incidents, every heartbrokens, every pains and hurts, every sufferings and struggles, every disappointments, every rejections, every failures,every ups and downs......AFTER THE LAST TEAR FALL....THERE IS L0V3 !!!''

EXAM...EXtraordinary Adorations as Medicine....

hmmm......yupe....
i am really stressed out during exam with terrible and horrible flu, sneeze, mild fever, and cough with lil phelgm....
But, even though how unwell my physical body is, my heart is full of appreciations and motivations and loves too!!!

yea.....firstly, i really want to thank dorothy, my dear sis who always give me the best encouragements and her prayers are really really work....and her hugsss and patience ears which always hear my problems and troubles........

Next, i also want to give my gratefulness to Gorgor cyrus who never ever leave me during my exam and when i was so sick...he really really act as my real family here.....ask me to sleep every night as my dad always do......ask me to take medicine and rest as my mum always do....check on me everyday by asking me ''how are you??'' or '' are you feel better today??'' ...he is really my gorgor....HAHA..

Then, i want to thank ginny jie who gives me a small cute pin with a very useful verse from bible which really motivates a lots. Hmmm...and Jen jie who give a row of oreo biscuit as snack and food during exam....HAHA.....she don't want me to starve with hunger during exam maybe....but i am touched though coz it's so sudden and random...

Nah.....isn't these all mean that i didn't loss but i gained a lots?? isn't these all the remedies which God gave to make me to survive through each day??

yea....Gor asked '' start to love us leh??'' i answered with happiness '' YUPE!!! LOVE YOU GUYS MUCH!!!''

Now....i know what is true love, what can make my empty heart to fill full, what can cure me from those pains and hurts, what can make me to stop my depression and emoness, what can fulfill my loneliness and so on....

yea.....i almost fully cured because i realize that even tough how sad and depressed i am, there is something which we cannot change it although how hard we try for it.....may be it is giving up but not letting go because i still want someone to be happy with his life....and live as a living human with soul everyday...it's love but it's just a care from a friend...me...grow up already!!! can able to do things without your help....can stand strong to face the challenges......can stop expect the care from you....HAHA.....i can do it all by now already!!! awesome isn't??

yea.......时间在走，人也在变，我变得不再害怕寂寞，不再会有任何期待，不再为你哭泣，我还是会想起，还是会想念，还是会感到有遗憾，但这一切似乎都升华了。。。我把我们的回忆放在心里，再也没有厌恨，再也没有埋怨，回忆是美的，是快乐的，所以我感激！！！

alone.........

eewwwwwwwwwwww.......
i stayed in the lib the whole day......
alone in the lib with lots of ppl i dont know.....
yea......i striving so hard to step into ppl life....and care for them.....
but...nothing in return to me....
who care about me???

yup...
i sick.....terribly sick....
sneeze and sneeze non stopping......
not dare to see doc coz too expensive.....
not dare to take medicine coz it will make me dizzy.....
not dare to sleep well coz will think on how to strive through tomorrow.....
not dare to expect coz it will jz disppointed me....
not dare to go lifegroup coz scare i spread the sickness to ppl......

i had already become so strong....strong till no tears to fall anymore....
but i am tired....tired of the life like this.....tired of lots and lots of pressure....
tired of searching the faith, love and hopes....
tired of hurting myself because of him.....
tired of knocking the door again....as no want reply
tired of being myself.....a little one who needs to stand strong....

when i am so weak.....You are so strong.....
when i am so down....You are the only one who knows....
when i am so tired...You are the one who i want to sing to.....
when i am so lost....You are the one who i seek for....
when i am alone....You are the only one who holds my hand....

i love this song so much ''Glorified''
''Lord , i come into your holy place,
stand in awe on your cleansing grace,
who am i that you will care for me,
i glorified, the one who died for me.
glorified..........glorified.......
let your name be lifted up
and glorified,
let the earth tremble at your name,
let your name be lifted up and glorified,

To your hands i commit my life,
day by day as a living sacrifices,
who am i that you will care for me,
i glorified the one who died for me,
glorified..........glorified.......
let your name be lifted up
and glorified,
let the earth tremble at your name,
let your name be lifted up and glorified.....''

i sing this song everytime i am so depressed and sicked........coz in the midst of suffering, i want to glorify Him though....Once i praise Him.....Once my strenght is renewed......