不想。。

不想知道，

不想理会，

不想去看，

不想去听，

不想面对，

不想在乎，

不想说话，

不想埋怨，

不想去想，

不想那样，

不想假装，

不想微笑，

不想哭泣，

我不想让自己受伤，

我不想让自己觉得很烦，

我不想让自己再有希望，

我不想让自己再次失望，

因为我没办法承担，心没办法愈合，身体没力量接受，所以我什么都不想

若不在乎了，就不要假装在乎，

若不想懂了，就不要勉强去懂，

若不想听了，就不要强迫去听，

若认为不重要了，就彻彻底底的丢掉，不要再去捡回，然后再丢，

因为被丢的那一个被伤得好重，心被踩了又踩，

沉重的脚力也许会让一个人永远都爬不起来，

累了，伤得太重了，害怕了，我不是铁打的，我也会受伤，我也会害怕，

也许，一个人就好。。。。。。。

SHOUT..........

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..............

i hide all my pains n hurts in my heart........

not even want to tell........no one are willing to hear......

so......i kept on acting as a happy and cheerful girl.......

now.......... i am

extremely tired........exhausted............fatigue........

everyday rush here n there for lectures and tutorials......

every week carry kgs of gloceries up the mountain......

my injured left leg are fighting with my determination right now.....

i want to move on and move on.......my dear leg.....

pls don't stop me from moving on.....

group research, labs test, labs experiment, all the upcoming tests,

epidemiology essay and research, giving out questionnaires, supermarket, church and service.......all of them are waiting for me to accomplish....

my dear left leg, u did really made me pain when i was walking to school these 2 days....

i am so afraid the incident will be happened again as before.....

~the experience of unable to stand up and walk......

~the experience of being treated in a weird and scary chinese tradisional ways....

~the experience of being sent into the CT scan which seems like a submarine for almost 2

hours.....

now....no one can help me anymore.....neither helping me to carry my begs and goods nor sup porting me when i am moving here and there....sigh..........

so, my dear legs, u don't how much i need you both now! pls......pls........don't stop functioning ok??

lost sheep.....

lost my way to the new church (ELIM CHURCH) in the still of the night....i was walking from front to end of the same street -albany st many times.....kept on looking on my map and the landmark.....sigh......i walked to the end of the road....a crossroads upon me....i was standing there for a few minutes....hmmm...thinking and finding which road i had to take...helpless....there were so dark and what i could see was only trees and the cars passed-by...i could not see the road sign anymore although i did really try to see....not even a living creature walking or standing on the road....it was scary indeed.....

''who can i ask for help??'' i asked myself...or just gave up.....sigh......i told God''i was so excited to go to the new church....i pleased so much to go......pls direct me to the right way to reach ur temple.....pls don't let me stuck on the intersection.....there is 4 ways....which i should go to???''.......without any responses from God, i chose to go back from where i was.....all in a sudden, my friend--stef called me and asked me where am i anxiously....'' i was lost stef.....i was lost....i didn't even know where was i.....here was so cold n dark......no lights....no people.....nothings except trees.....''....she told me to walk back from where i was...someone would be waiting for me to take me there......hahaha...i was relieved....

i did walk back from where i was.-the central library.There is a guy there, he came forward me to ask....''are you the jane who is mentioned by stef??''
'' YUP, of course i am...now who are you pls??'' i asked
'' i am the one who is waiting for you.....one of stef's friend who named joel..'' he said
'' let's go girl....we are late.....let's walk and chat!!!''

finally, we reached.......hehehehehe.........i reached......i burst into tears....i was so happy that i didn't give up......hahahaha...now even more friends and laughters as well.....i appreciate Him who is the leader who never fails his promises to me....God is the one who leads the lost sheep to the right way.....

reality vs faith....

someone told me.......reality and faith cant be balanced or we cant even find a balance between them...once i lose my faith towards God....no matter how much i prayed and how hard i prayed....i cant even see the results or efficiency....so i am lost!!!

once i lose hope on people...
once i was too emotional till my loved ones left me.....
once i was blaming too much on what i had....
once i could not accustom to all those sudden changes....
once i got hurt so badly and deeply....
once i hate promises from people.....
once i wish to runaway from everything.....
once i wish i can be backed....
once i totally depressed and defeated by reality....
even till i lose my real self......lose who i am actually....

yup.....undeniably, prayer is not magic.......cant be all achieved and gained in one day or even one month or years.....reality entirely defeated my faith towards Him.......cling on Him to me is such a difficult stuff......yet, now........i am the one who got the chances to choose.....someone told me '' You are stronger than what you think....even stronger than me....''.....suspiciously, i was wondering..''am i?? am i my dear bro??'' hahaha.....growing.....i am growing each day.....i choose to believe in Him even though i lose everything.....i choose to have faith on Him which may defeat the reality.....i am still searching the real self back.....haha.....there is so many people who love me......God always place lovely people in my life to help me find the way out of lost...or to push me to walk forward the journey......so i appreciated Him......halleluyah.......cling on Him girl.....don't let go.....Hold Him tight....

love.....cherish......

thanks the love from all who really concern and love me.....i will move on....i appreciate u all very much !!! love you all too!!! 狼狈的人生我不要了！！！ 我会努力好好过的！谢谢你们的爱。。

最美的祝福。。。

i walked alone to the school auditorium tonight.......raining at that moment too!!!
i was rushing to a talk and drama on title '' dream note'' which was presented by christian fellowship of uni of otago....the night scenery of the school was so nice and romantic as well....i slow down my pace to admire the beautiful and breathtaking scenery....i love it...this is the only thing i love about my school....haha.....i sang ''blessed the be your name'' while i was walking to the destination.....at least the song was accompanied me in the journey....

Finally, i reached the auditorium.....wow....so many ppl there....i respect the kiwis who don't know to speak chinese attended the show....really amazing and cool!!! they love God so much!!!
the drama was nice and interesting...it was so meaningful......love it!!!

ok.....this was the time i confessed myself to Lord again.....当大家都在唱着‘这一生最美的祝福’时，牧师在呼召，他说‘今晚谁愿意把心和生命交给上帝的请站起来。’my fingers held tight to my palm....my body was shivering.....my tears was falling as well......my heart was struggling...should i stand up???should i??? i was so scared....dono why.....at last, there came big strenght pushed me to stand up ....i want to give my heart n life to Lord....i want.....i want to go back to His embrace again.....

God is always waiting for me to say ''i am willing to turn back to You!'' Tonight, i am willing to give my heart and life back to Him.....Blessed be Your Name!!!!

heart....

my second attempt of bio experiment is the dissection of sheep's heart and lungs.....God is really God....what a sudden injuries and hurts i had experienced was exposed when i was walking into the zoology building....i supposed to be excited....don't you think so?? yet, i was not...sigh....don't think too much ok??

next, stewart demostrated the steps of dissecting its lungs and heart.....a big plate of heart and lungs made me confused.....yet i didn't feel disgusting or sickening.....so just do it!!!! Now my turn to dissect after a brief demo....i was murmuring to myself: where was your excitement of disssecting??? where was your satisfaction of being so brave again??? i lose those....neither excitement nor satisfaction.at that moment, what i felt is just only pain.....each cut i did, each touching and squeezing i did and each steps i took made my heart bleeding as well....it uttered anguished cries....so do mine....i felt so sorry for it....coz being cut and stabbed by a knife or even small scissor is a suffering and a unbearably painful one....heartache....

Once again.....my little soul was being hurt deeply.....calm down...calm down.....i am trying hard to accustom to ignorance.....yet ignorance seems like a curse of human race....asscociate with apathy and selfishness....'' refugees in antearoa New Zealand'' is the topic of my next english essay test.....once again, God is really God....i really want to be a refugees who can run away from everything....especially being driven out from pessimism and sentimental pains.....

are you ready???

老爸从小就对我说：



‘人的尽头就是神的开始！！！’今天的我深深体会到这句话的意思。

虽然满身伤痛，何韵欣，你准备好了吗？？？ 上帝要开始了！！！

加油！！！



From young, my dad kept on reminding me:



''The end of one's life is the beginning of God!!!'' At that moment, i don't really understand why.....Now, i deeply experience it.....although it's so painful...although my heart ripped into pieces.....yet i still want to ask myself '' Jane, are you ready??? God 's work is prepared to start now!!!!!''

let Him....

still waiting for the sun rises...
still waiting for morning to come....
still waiting for flowers blossom....
still waiting for the passion i had before....
still waiting for an overwhelming sense of lose disappear...
still waiting for my cognitive dissonance to be solved...
still waiting for a chance to laugh like a innocent child...
still waiting for tiredness and sadness fades....
still waiting for depression and isolation gone....
still waiting for the cheerfulness recurs....
still waiting for breather that may come soon...

in the midst of all these...
i believe that my survival needs Him....
in my heart.....my soul.....my life....
let Him take tomorrow the plans i made...
let Him take the music that would never played....
all the broken dreams and everythings...
just take it away.....like i never had yesterday....

let Him take the future that would never know....
let Him take the places i said i will to go....
all the broken hearts and everythings....
just take it away.....like i never had yesterday....
all take it away.....like i never had yesterday...

red bean soup....

i went to the university christian youth fellowship today....
we stay till almost 11pm for supper....hahaha...quite happy......at least someone comes to talk and chat with me....we watched a indonesia movie today in the youth centre......the movie is about how a muslim become a christian...quite a touching movie.....HAHAHA....i am so proud that i can understand the language coz most of them cant....after the movie, we had been divided into small groups to share our ''hurts or depression'' during our growth....unexpectedly, i was asked to share my experience....i told them '' now, i am encountering depression!!!'' ......i lose my reliance..maybe i was being pampered too much by my mum & dad and even some friends......sigh......consequently, i had been trying so hard to adapt and love.....yet i believe He will me there for me to reach out.....yes, He is!!!

UMAT....UMAT....UMAT test....i lost the first chance to take the exam.......so....i just got one and the only chance.....i want to pass it!!! i will improve my english to help me to pass it!!! at least got something i want to strive hard on.....hehehe.....

yeah!!! '''Red Bean Soup'''.....u don't know how much i miss you......thx for aunt rongmei for the great red bean soup for supper....it did really make me felt at home and warmth.....i appreciated it so much!!! Actually, i am so down today.....coz i forgot to bring my lab coat...i was so afraid that they might chase me out of the lab....hooooooo....luckily they didn't.....i was rushing to finish all the experiments....coz there is a lab exit test....i had already tried my best to do the test....hoooooooo.......ohhh, forgot to tell that i drank 3 bowls of soup.....heeheeeheeeheeeee.......

'''my strenght renewed because of You, my Lord!''

right here waiting for you

moving out made me so tired......
so many things to buy and organize..
i went to the warehouse after school...
to buy some household stuffs....
i bought a rack to hang my clothes and
another small rack to dry my clothes....
n some plates, cups, spoons.knife,forks,bowl, etc.....
i supposed to walk back home from the warehouse.....
but how i couldn't able to carry all the things that i bought??
so helpless....raining at that moment....n i only left 15 bucks in my wallet.....
sigh....i stood outside the warehouse to wait.....
i didn't know what i am waiting for....i need help...
yet nobody came.........felt discouraged....upset....useless...

suddenly, i heard a sound....
''girl, you had enough money to call a taxi....why don't you try??''
when i turned around....i saw there is no one standing near to me...
who was that??? is He God??
i think He is.....i praised....i was grateful...
i was so afraid 15 bucks is not enough...
yet....God showed me that '' girl, it is more than enough!!!''
ok......now....i finally reached home......started arranging my stuff....
i needed to fix the rack i bought....hooooooooo....
how can a girl fix such a big and heavy rack???
i prayed again to God.....
no choice already......still needed to fix it anyway....
when i was fixing it, i felt that God is with me....
He seemed like using his hands to fix it for me....

Thanks God......i was so little.....
i was so tired....i was so hungry as well.....
yet You are always there for me...
i was not waiting for a miracle...
instead i was waiting for You...
You always say.....
'' girl, take a rest and know I am God...I am right here waiting for you to reach out to me...''

价值

我的价值好像被人家踩到脚底下，
没有了利用价值就不用去珍惜吗？？？

doctor....where r u??

A SHOUT OUT :

Doctor, where are you all??? the sick patients need you.....why you all don't work in the weekends??生病了，还是要从街头走到街尾，医生你们在哪里？？why still need to fill in a lots of form to do appointment??? what a stupid rule is that??

changing, growing

today, i did my first dissection on rat...i thought i will be the first one go out of the class and give up...yet i was not afraid...i was so calm....and it did make me felt excited!!! How can i be so brave??? i was wondering too!!! before that i was so afraid of animal, esp dogs...now i can be able to dissect a rat....cool!!! my first attempt was a successful one.....did really enjoyed!!!
some ppl may think that dissection is a cruel stuff....
but, it made me feel alive again after losing hope....at least feel better a bit....

a big change in my life is also a big growth to me......now, loneliness is also a blissful blessing to me.....trained me to be such a brave and strong girl....hahaha.....i choose to let myself to live more happier rather than kept on complaining and blaming.....maybe the world has becoming cold and no love, yet there are so many people strive hard to wake up early in the morning, waiting for bus in a cold and rainy whether, walk to school or work and etc.....i should be like them....keep on moving on....i knew it was tiring without resting....yet it may be a way to make me feel better...because once i stopped to rest...i would start to imagine all those discouraged things....

so, i am a lucky person to have the chance to study abroad.....i must cherish it actually.....jane, throw away those worst feeling in your mind and heart.....alone may be a great thing...u must think this way.....even a blind person can walk here and there with his only stick in his hand.....even a girl who had difficulty in walking can carry a huge bag and climbing up the steep road.....why cant you make it??? a stick, a strong determination, a belief may let someone to stay alive......有时候一个人也可以.....

give and take away...

LOST.....i had lost my hope on ppl......even on my loved ones......
sorry for giving so much pressure and making a lots of troubles.....
maybe i should keep quiet rather than saying too much....as ''why you still ask for help and care and even compassion when nobody can or willing to???''....i shouldn't ask for more as ''who cares?? who knows?? who understand?? ''.....haiz......must be satisfied.....at least i being adored by a bus driver....

jane...pls awake la!!! don't ask for more as it will just become a burden to ppl only....keep silence....although u don't like to act...but sometimes u have to....lost......made me feel that i am not worthy and being cherished or loved....yet...God, thx for everything and forgive me....i know i am worthy in your eyes....that's more than enough...