Happy mother's day!!! how much i wish to see her now... how much i wish to go for a dinner with her now.... how much i wish to hear her naggings now.... how much i wish to sleep with her now..... how much i wish i would be able to be with her now...
mum, those 10 things in the card which i sent to you are what you had nurtured me for years. The unfailing love, the uncountable efforts, the time, the strength and the incomprehensible cares that you had put in to my life are something which i can't be able to compensate. I am so honoured to be your child. I am so grateful that you had planted the God-given seed into my life and kept watering it to make sure that it will grow well, grow strong. I am so appreciate that you never ever give me up when i almost give up myself several times. I am so glad that you are always so understanding, accepting and forgiving. I am so blessed that i have a mum as you who i can talk to as a friend, hang out as a buddy, play with as peer.
Thanks for always and always make things possible. Thanks for always and always give me the best. Thanks for always and always sacrifice yours. Thanks for always and always be there for me when i so in need. Thanks for always and always smile for me even though i failed. Thanks for always and always proud of me albeit i'm not the best. Thanks for always and always love me.
Thank you for everything, mum. i will do my very best for you, i promise. thanks for making me someone who you can proud of today. :)
It's quite a bad day for me. these 2 sheets of tissues has reminded me about the old days backhome, when i am so down after getting my result, i will only go to you and cry like a baby, and you'll prepared a piece of tissue paper for me, only the second piece of the whole packet i would use, and only you know....
Hmm...was down today yet you're jz too far for me to cry to... again, i hide the sadness,frustration, coz i don't know who to cry to, indeed, i don't have one....
i remembered everytime after i cried, you will definitely go through my mistakes with me, then start to remind me what i did wrongly, and which part is my big weaknesses, then ask me to be careful for next time...
Now, i don't even know what i did wrongly, what i suppose to focus on, what i should do more to improve, what to do?? i don't understand!!!
sighhh....i found it so hard to be really crawl out from my comfort zone, no more guardian angel, no more free tutor, no more soulmate, no more second piece of tissue paper, no more.....
too emo?? i don't think so... jz when you really don't know what to do, how to do, you will explode. jz when you don't have someone who can understand you and willing to listen to you, you will definitely boom!!!
fuiyo!!!! nz suddenly becoming so cold, weather is freezing, wind is chilly, and i can't feel my sense of touch, -3degree in the early morning, forcibly to be dragged up from bed, shivering inside out, 3 layers of blankets can't win the day, sighhhhhh..... health deteriorating, flatmates say i look pale, he keeps asking 'are you sure you are okay??'' n i say ''YES!!! I'M!!! I AM JZ TOO COLD!!!''
OH, it tears me up, i tried to hold on, but it's too cold.... i can't feel anything, not even have appetite for food. :(
After a long and tough week, I was entirely exhausted inside out, I realized that when you want to hold tight on something that you love so badly, when you are trying so hard to get over the pain and the past, when you are doing your very best to stop killing your heart, when you are expecting maybe,just maybe the past could be retrieved, when you are still hoping he still will care and think about, when you are doing what you can to avoid yourself to see,think,care, when you are so afraid of losing everything that you have, when you are searching maybe there's someone who can understand you, when you are hiding your sorrow but hanging a fake smile to face the world,
you will so tired, exhausted, wear out, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and the HEART.
After i had read cheng yee's blog bout 'pain' that he is having, everyone do have the pain-- something you don't want to reveal, He used 9 years, 9!!! to forget, to let go, to put down, i asked myself ''how long you have to take then??'' People can take jz within a month to find a new one, to have a new life, to get over it, to start again. Then, why can't you jz do the same?? WHY CAN'T YOU?? WHY IT'S STILL ACHING??? STILL BE HAUNTED EVERY DAY AND NIGHT??
Nothing i can actually do to stop killing my heart, so i surrender all to Him, today, when i reach out my hand during worship, i feel that i touch His hands, the pair of hands which i am searching and longing for so long, i can feel he is holding me tightly, he speaks to me, ''stop searching, stop killing yourself with the past, the pain, pass it all to me, i will take the wheel.''
suffering children are safe in Your arms, There is none like You, No one else can touch my heart as You do....
