DECISION

HAIZ.....
is it so hard for me to make my own decision??
you all are not in my situation....how can you all make a decision for me??
am i being too rash?? or irrational??
i am not!!! i jz want to live better....live like a proper human being....not robot...
you can abandon me....i don't even care!!! coz i can and He is there for me....not you!!!
when she asked me '' don't you feel any dissapointment when he never want to notice your existence?? i said'' NO!!! I AM NOT!!!'' i had became a girl who is so tough....i cant imagine!!
when i saw from the email from my aunt to my cousin....she said'' i hate her emational and randomness...she can lose two years...but you cant!!!''

ooo...mummy...i thought i will cry....yet i didn't....not even want to....coz i was always being hurt and abandoned....still, i am so strong to move on....strive hard...waiting for miracles and light in the darkness..

LOSE....i will not lose...i don't even want to lose!!! it is my obligation to accomplish my mission....
''Believe me.....i will still move on....coz He is always there for me to rely and cry on.....''

when

''when i prepare and learnt to love everything......your selfishness hurts me deeply....it's so realistic now.......yet i cant involve the past i had before......''

where got ppl like that??

pls stop asking me those foolish question before i get to be mad and angry....so frustrated la!!!

can you be able to imagine someone who got 10A in spm not even know what is being sold in supermarket??? haiz......i seems like being inspected and checked by her as a murderer!!! i got my priority ok.....stop asking me what am i doing in the morning ,afternoon and night of weekends....what am i doing in church ( i really want to ask her back what is she doing in temple)...how much money i used in a day....what am i doing after school....where you put your laptop and passport....is it safe to put them in house...what your sister intends to do in future....how big is your house in johor....which supermarket i go....what is being sold in supermarket....how to eat my breakfast,lunch and dinner (aiyo...use mouth la!!!).......what time i sleep and wake up...if i moved out from homestay, how much i use a day (i haven't move out,how i know my dear)......a lot more silly questions....almost 50 questions per day.....i am going to be mad!!! sorry to say about that!!! because something for me is my secret...my life not yours ok???

pls give me so oxygen to breathe....pls give me my freedom back....pls shut your mouth before my patience breaks my limits...pls...i am begging you now...

我不是我

从前爱笑，爱闹，爱玩的自己，
从前是别人的开心果的自己，
从前那么活泼，任性的自己，
从前那么爱说爱笑的自己，
从前只要跌倒了就会喊痛，
累了就会大哭，饿了就会叫，
无助了都会求救，病了都会吃药，
样样都不缺的何韵欣，
现在，我就好像变了个人似的，
我每天都冷到双手失去了滋觉还不放弃的往前走，
每天都被热水烫着洗澡还坚持着告诉自己没什么，
每天都在学校被大风吹到快要没有呼吸还勇敢地迈进，
连续几天搭错巴士，下错站，不懂路还告诉自己别哭，不要怕，
对再美味的食物失去了兴趣，对同学从未给予微笑，
对学校从未有过期待和好感，对未来我很压力，
我多么努力地去明白他们的语言，
我多么努力地让自己快乐，
我多么努力地让自己去爱上它，
我不再是从前那个爱笑就笑，爱哭就哭的自己了，
因为我连痛都不知道是什么了，好像吃药麻痹了，
我讨厌这个爱逞强，像铁一样冷淡的自己，
全世界都在说‘这是好机会，别放弃！’
当我背着一大堆的东西走在斜坡上，
当我被大风大雪几乎要吹倒时，
当我手脚冷到痛和没有直觉时，
突然间，我好想倒下，好想放开
因为这机会让我觉得好累，好不快乐，
我就好像被你们推到了可怕的边缘，
等一道光线..........可是它会出现吗？？

''god, where are you pls?? where is the JANE who got feelings?? where is the light from the darkness??''

give it back to me!!!

Pls............pls.............pls.........give it back to me!!! pls don't take it away again!!!
somebody pls tell me how to reject??? i want my laptop back!!!!!

Should i be so kind to lend him mine???
but how to say ''no'' in such things??
i really want to use it!!!
pls don't take it away!!!

tiredness....

My new life and journey in new zealand makes me extremely tired than f6 in kluang....

Everyday, when i have to go for dinner with my foster parents and the korean, i have to think what topic we suppose to chat together otherwise we might be so quiet and strict, it is a tiring things...

In the morning, i have to make breakfast for myself, have to take bath with th super hot water which may burnt my skin and have to walk a very long distance to taka bus to school....although i haven't go to school yet, but when i imagine. i start to feel tired and terrible...

When the time is 6pm, i had to go to the kitchen to serve dinner...n knock the door of the korean guy for dinner....then after we have our dinner, me and the korean must wash the dishes....but he always wash for me....hehehehe...

There is quite a lots of rules too!!! Firstly, i cant take my bath after 10pm and before 6am. Then, i can only take my shower for 10 mins(i cant even adjust the water temperature coz it takes almost 10 mins to adjust it). Next, must go for dinner together at 6 pm and do some preparation together. Then, must close the curtain when 5 pm and open it again in the morning. Furthermore, must switch off the light and heater before i sleep and wheni left home. Do not open loud music after 10pm. Before i sleep, i must heat up my wheat bag to warm my body. Do not get drunk and smoke. Do not bring guys into ur room during the night......and a lot more!!!

I am soooooooo tired to hear and do that!!! I cant even complaint to my parents coz my uncle will scold me. I am so frustrated la!!! I asked myself '' Isn't that my life....why you don't allow me to say anything??? I cant even have a person to say to no matter how hard is my life now!!! I bear and bear !!! That is not me!! I can talk a lot in my house....now i can only say '' i am fine!!'' I cried and cried to myself....''

My body and mind is so tired!!! I don't even want to move!!! n my foster parents dislike christian....so they seems like not really like me...when they asked me '' Jane, what types of songs u love to play the most with piano???'', i answered excitedly '' church songs''....They kept quiet for a while and asked my cousin the same question....but she answered '' i didn't play church songs but i prefer to play classical songs''.....they were so excited to hear that and straight away asked her to play a song for them...i was so disappointed!!! '' Isn't that's any problems with church songs?? Isn't that the church songs are not nice to hear???''....i really don't know the reasons...

I prayed '' God, i am so tired u know? my body is going to separate to many pieces...i am so sad and dissapointed!!! i need help...yet no one comes to me....i need someone to say to...but i got scolded!! I am not really like the chinese church i went today...but my uncle said just go la!!! I am soooooo tired!!! I cant even make my decision myself....always have to listen and obey!! I really want to be a bad girl if i can.....god...even my foster parents seem like unfair to me..coz i am a christian...i nearly lose my faith...and no people adore, appreciate and treasure me!!! i am just a 18 years old girl....entertaining makes me soooooooooo tired god....pls take away everything...it's so suffering!!! amen.''

'' Therefore we do not lose heart.Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day'' (2 corinthians 4:16).....this describes my life now!!!

you better stop it!!!!!

someone tells me ''YOU BETTER STOP IT!!!''
i cried...it's hurting.....seems like a deep cut into my heart....
so painful...til i lost the feeling....i don't even know how to smile...
i am begging.....pls stop saying that......i cant take it....sorry!!!

oh man!!! i am a normal person....i have feeling !!! i got feeling !!! i got mood !!!
not only you will feel worse....so do I !!!

''old uncle............thanks for making me laugh and smile in the early morning...that's miracle.....i smile with tears....old uncle............that's painful!!! terribly painful!!! you told me you know the feeling......you told me if you are leaving you also will not feel excited at all....you told me you were so sorry for me........you told me that i will not be kicked away by ppl......you told me that things will turn out to be great there.......you told me you will teach me guitar when i am back for holidays.....you told me being sticky is quite ok......you told me you will be there for me......you told me after 70 years we might meet in heaven......old uncle.......i don't really know you....but thanks for such great encouragement....it's make me alive!!! thanks....old uncle....''

the fellow who asked me ''YOU BETTER STOP IT!!!''....i forgive you....''我不是真的要你回来，只是害怕一个人看海''.........i know i cant give you what you need...but i hope you will search for what you really need.....i am learning to grow up....i hope you too!!! i will stop it as you wish....but i will never stop praying for you....that's the only thing i can do!!!

can i ??

so many people wishing me '' ALL THE BEST!!!'', ''YOU CAN DO IT!!!'' , ''JIAYOU!!!'' , ''I BELIEVE THAT U CAN!!!'' and ''JUST GO!!!''....
actually, i dislike to hear that because i am the one who experience and walk through it....how you all know i can.....how??? i don't even have the faith....i am so afraid....

i shouted :'' CAN I???''

MISSION...

i have a great mission to accomplish in my next 5 years....woohoo

the mission is :
~become a better person
~become a better daughter
~become a better sister
~become a better women
~become a better future wife
~become a better friend
~become a better christian as well

i hope after the next 5 years, i will be able to:
~say''I LOVE YOU'' to my mom & dad
~say''SORRY'' to my mom & dad
~be a humble as well as confident girl
~help the people who need my help
~grow up mentally and spiritually...not physically
~love God more and more everyday
~bring the''precious paper'' back to glorify His
name & let my mom & dad proud of me
~take care myself and others as well
~become a lovely girl who loves to smile

in future, i want to:
~tell my son ,daughter and grandchild about my experience and the proud
histories i had
~love and serve God till i die
~love my mom and dad
~love my future husband...be a great parents as well
~be volunteers to help the people who need help
~have a wonderful real life

7 days before i leave........that's the great MISSION i have to accomplish it........pls pray for me....thx.....